Relationship Advice by Mark Webb, LMFT

Have you and your spouse stopped talking to each other? Do you constantly argue and bicker? Have you stopped trusting each other with your feelings and inner most thoughts? Here are 10 techniques on how to fall back in love with your spouse:

“Thinking of you keeps me awake. Dreaming of you keeps me asleep. Being with you keeps me alive.” ~ Author Unknown 1. Be An Active Listener. Brendan Francis is quoted as saying that “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.” I believe this goes both ways. It is rare to find a truly active listener. If you want to convey the message that you love your partner, then develop great listening skills. Lean slightly forward to show interest. Uncross your arms to show openness to what they are saying. Maintain a kind and thoughtful eye contact to let them know that you are engaged and trying to understanding. Pretty simple stuff, but very few do these. 2. Show Public Affection. I don’t mean big smooches but I do encourage holding hands and putting your arm around your partner. Be unashamed of your love for your partner. 3. Stand By Them In Support. Never allow anyone to speak badly of your partner. Be their biggest cheerleader and their ride or die advocate. (I know some of you are concerned if you are involved with someone who has narcissistic personality traits. Use common sense if you are involved with an emotional vampire.) 4. Text Them Sweet Messages. It takes seconds to make your partner feel special. I particularly like Bitmojis as opposed to emojis. These make the messages more playful and personal. Go to your app store on your phone if you don’t know what I’m talking about. 5. Put Your Phone Down. This has become a common complaint in my office. I truly appreciate the power of a cellphone but don’t let your cellphone become a wedge between you and your partner. 6. Take Time To Ask Them How They Are Doing Then Really Listen To Them. This sounds simple enough but it is so easy to get caught up in the routine of your day that you forget to really connect with your partner. Be specific versus general. Ask “How is your project going with the ABC account?” instead of always asking, “How was your day?” This shows that you care about what is going on in their life. 7. Make Time For Them. Let your partner know that you care about them and want to spend time with them. Never treat your partner as an afterthought or an obligation. A healthy relationship gives each person room to pursue their interests while also creating time for each other. “A life lived in love will never be dull.” ~ Leo Buscaglia 8. Be There In The Tough Times. Elizabeth Gilbert said “I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than depression and I am braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.” Reread this quote and vow to be this kind of partner. 9. Do Extra And Unexpected Acts Of Kindness. I remember early in my relationship with my wife when we were dating; She came over to my home and put up and fully decorated a Christmas tree for me to share with my kids. Wow! Strive to follow her example and look for ways to make powerful statements of love. 10. Always Do These Basics. Be appreciative enough to say, “Thank you.” Be vulnerable enough to say, “I’m sorry.” And deep enough to say, “I love you.” 11. Practice My 80/20 Rule. As long as your partner is doing right 80% of the time; let 20% slide. Don’t be a nitpicker or a faultfinder. 12. Do Something They Like To Do. Francis David said “We need not think alike to love alike.” Be willing to go outside of your comfort zone for the sake of your partner. Be willing to travel to new places and do new activities. You most likely will enjoy a richer level of connection with your partner as well as develop a larger comfort zone by simply saying “yes” to new things. 13. Do Your Best Not To Be Argumentative. Be careful not to allow room for the storing up of resentment. Be slow to become defensive or hostile. Strive to demonstrate a sense of approachability and a patient willingness to understand. 14. Appreciate Their Quirks. Make a conscious effort to like the things that make them special and unique. “To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed.” ~ Valerie Lombardo

"Recognize These 11 Destructive Habits Hurting Your Joy!"

1) Take A Minute To Regroup. Before you take on the tasks at the end of your day, take a few minutes to calm yourself. This can help you change mental gears so that you don’t continue into your evening with a stressed out or agitated mood. Whether you live alone, married or married with children, you want to be able to enjoy your evenings and prepare for hopefully, a better day tomorrow. 2) Give Yourself A Pep Talk. When you use language such as, “This has been a horrible day” or “I am exhausted” you aren’t helping clear your mind. That language will only make things worse. Instead, tell yourself things like, “I’m fine”, “I have boundless energy”, “Keep pressing on” or “I’ve got this.” 3) Listen to Something Funny Or Watch A Funny Video. Laughter is always good medicine. It is very easy to find comedy nowadays thanks to the power of the internet. Go to websites like YouTube, Spotify, Pandora and similar websites and type in the word comedy. 4) Take A Shower Or Get A Bath. This will help improve your mood by physically cleaning up and getting into a fresh change of clothes and it psychologically helps by washing off the stress of the day. 5) Take A Different Way Home. As you pull out of the parking lot of your place of employment, decide to turn in a different direction as a twist to your predictable route. This helps break you out of the predictable trance of routine and forces your brain to increase its level of awareness and alertness. 6) Figure Out What You Could Do Different Next Time. I suggest you develop some questions to ask yourself after a bad day such as, “What can I do tomorrow to ensure a better day?” “What can I learn from today’s experience?” or “How I can have a better attitude about _______ (my job, my relationship, my life, etc.). 7) Eat A Good Meal. You are what you eat so eat something that nourishes your mind and body. Comfort food usually ends up being regret food. 8) Exercise Or Go For A Walk. If you already do these then you know the power of physical activity. People who don’t exercise know this is good advice but are quick to ignore this commonsense and helpful guidance. I suggest if you aren’t accustomed to physical activity, please try this for 10 days and see what happens. You can always quit, but why don’t you give exercise a fair chance. Motion creates emotion. If you want to feel better, simply get moving and your emotions will automatically lift. 9) Listen To Music. Music calms the savage beast. Music can have a significant impact on how you are feeling and is easy to tap into. Some genres can bring you up in mood and others can calm you down immediately. 10) Think Of Things You Are Grateful For. Whenever you get to thinking that your life is awful, it is a good idea to remember all of the blessings you have around. Even if you don’t like your job; at least you have one. 11) Phone A Friend. A good conversation or a quick venting session can be very beneficial to changing your mood. Listening to your friend’s troubles or concerns can also help change your focus from your problems to theirs. 12) Plan Out Your Tomorrow. If you mismanaged your time or resources today then creating a better plan for tomorrow can give you some peace of mind. 13) Go Out With Friends. Getting out of your normal routine can restore you to your fullest. Call up some of your buddies and try to coordinate dinner plans. A good movie can always help you escape some of your stress from a “bad day”. 14) Do Something For Someone Else. One of the best ways to take your mind off your troubles is to seek out someone who could use some of your help. Unfortunately, it is not very hard to find someone in need of help. Just look around. 15) Best Job I’ve Ever Had. At the end of the World War II movie “Fury” starring Brad Pitt, his group of tank soldiers are nearly defeated in spirit as they still have to face an incredible battle ahead and one of the soldiers says, “Best job I’ve ever had!” Then another one says it. Then another; until they all join in. It quickly turns their attitude around. I always recommend a positive affirmation over a complaint or negative outlook. Speak life and hope into your world. Best Of Wishes!

Set Goals Big Enough To Challenge Yourself