Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

… Or for more information on his Best Selling Book “How To Be A Great Partner” visit http://www.howtobeagreatpartner.com/

1. Remember that it is an adjustment to being together. Give it time. Working out the questions of who is going to do what and how should it be done can cause conflict. Questions like, ” Who is going to pay the bills?” “Who is going to clean the bathrooms?” “Which church are we going to attend?” must be answered. Don’t let these adjustment challenges come between you and the one you love.
2. Embrace your spouse’s differences versus criticizing them or trying to change them. Be your spouse’s biggest fan. Stay away from stereotypes that your partner won’t be able to fulfill. You will break their spirit if you expect them to be just like your mom, your dad, or someone else you admire. Be appreciative of your spouse. It takes time for a marriage to mature.
3. Fortify your commitment to each other. Never threaten divorce. You’ll probably think about it at some point in your marriage but don’t ever say it. (This does not apply to situations that involve abuse.) Threatening divorce will dilute the commitment between you. Your message needs to be, “I’m Here For You No Matter What.”
4. Don’t let friends, parents, or in-laws interfere with your marriage. You are inviting trouble if you do. Be quick to set limits with people who try and interfere with your marriage. By not speaking up you will be setting yourselves up to have your marriage undermined. You and your spouse need to establish your own expectations for your marriage.
5. Try not to go to bed angry. Staying connected to each other is more important. However, if you catch yourselves in a situation in which emotions are too high, you may have to back off and readdress the matter at a later time. Conflict if handled properly can be productive. Promise to fight fairly and do the right thing even if you don’t feel like it.

Keep These Points In Mind At Times Of Conflict

* Don’t Yell
* Don’t Out Talk Them
* Don’t Use Profanity
* Don’t Interrupt
* Don’t Name Call
* Don’t Dismiss Their Ideas As Stupid
* Don’t throw all of your problems into the conflict.
* Don’t Forget That You Love Each Other.
* Try and stick to the subject at hand.

6. Get away with each other about every 6 to 8 weeks. This means by yourselves. No friends, no parents, and no children. I know this is easier said than done but it doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. It can be a simple day trip to a near-by town or state park. So near-by or far away, just go. My Marriage and Family Therapy Professor at Valdosta State University, Dr. John Curtis, used to teach us that this is one of the best ways to keep your marriage fresh and alive.

If you are a newlywed, practice these principles. If you’ve been married for a while, recommit yourself to these principles. Strive To Have A Wonderful Marriage.

Best Of Wishes,
Mark Webb

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

The courtship process is crucial.  It gives you and your partner an opportunity to sort out if you are suitable for each other.  A couple of questions you can use to decide if a potential partner is right for you are:

a) Would I want to have a child with this person?
b) Would I be willing to spend my life with this person if they never changed from the way they are now?

Choosing the right partner needs to center around finding a person with good character.  Remember, beauty fades and a charming personality won’t pay the bills.  As a rule of thumb, don’t date anyone you know you wouldn’t want to marry because you never know whom you’ll fall in love with.

Scarlet O’Hara, in Gone with the Wind said, “I can’t think about that now.  I’ll go crazy if I do.  I’ll think about it tomorrow.”  It’s this kind of thinking that gets you into all sorts of trouble.  Pay attention to your instincts.  Warning!! Where there is smoke, there is usually fire.  Here are some of the common things to watch out for:

·        Someone who wants everything now.
·        A fiery temper.
·        Being too picky.
·        Your family doesn’t like him or her.
·        Wanting someone to take care of them.
·        They mistreat other people.
·        They are not over a past love.
·        Any kind of “holic”.
·        People who are mentally and/or emotionally unavailable.
·        Someone who holds grudges.
·        They don’t listen.
·        They don’t call to say they are running late.
·        They have an “it doesn’t matter” attitude.
·        One wants children and the other doesn’t.
·        Incompatible spiritual beliefs.

Few couples, if any, are completely united when the marriage vows are spoken.  The real union develops in the work of the years to come.  When a man and woman marry, they become One.  The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.  Couples need to learn how to make room for their differences and to allow them to peacefully co-exist.  When a couple is strongly connected, all problems become manageable.  When a couple isn’t connected, the smallest challenges seem insurmountable.

If you wait until you are ready for marriage, you never will be.  Marriage is on the job training.  Here are some strategies for becoming Mr. or Mrs. Right.

·        Be kind no matter what.
·        Listen, and then comment if necessary.
·        Commit yourself to your partner.
·        Be respectful.
·        Be quick to apologize and forgive.
·        Remember all holidays and anniversaries
·        Say, “Thank you” and “I love you” often.
·        Decide to be a Great Partner
·        Make your partner’s happiness a priority.

Here is a living example of a Right Couple:

Winston Churchill once attended a formal banquet in which the distinguished guests were asked the question, “If you could not be who you are, who would you like to be?”

Everyone was curious as to how Churchill would answer.  When his turn finally came, he stood and said, “If I could not be who I am, I would most like to be” and he paused to take his wife’s hand  “Lady Churchill’s second husband.”

People with dissatisfying relationships expect a great one to magically show up.  Couples with a great relationship look for ways to make it satisfying.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

The holiday season is now upon us. Often the holiday blues come along with the Christmas cheer. We all have the blues at one time or another but the blues are especially common during the Christmas season. It is also common for the blues to progress into a severe depression during this time of year.

What is the difference between the blues and a severe depression? Depression is a persistent disturbance in mood in which feelings of sadness, loneliness, disappointment and hopelessness are usually common. Some of the symptoms are:

1. A significant increase or decrease in appetite.

2. A change in sleeping habits.

3. Feelings of restlessness or being slowed down.

4. Loss of energy or fatigue.

5. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt.

6. Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities.

7. Poor concentration or inability to make decisions.

8. Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

The most obvious indicator is when a person starts making comments suggesting suicidal thoughts, such as “Life has lost its meaning for me.” “Nobody needs me anymore.” “My family would be better off without me.” No indicator of suicide should be taken lightly.

Depression can hit anyone. It is common among all levels of society. We all have difficulty coping with things at some time or another, so how can we avoid the blues? Some suggestions for avoiding the holiday blues are:

Concentrate on the positive aspects of ourselves, others and the situations we face.

Ask for help from family and friends – let our needs be known.

Look for activities for involvement –charitable work is an excellent choice.

Visit friends, family and those less fortunate.

Eat right and get enough rest.

Allow time for fun and relaxation.

Be patient with yourself and with others.

Manage your time and tasks.

Talk about thoughts and feelings with others.

Be open and honest with yourself and with others.

How can we help our loved ones who are suffering with depression? This is a common struggle for those involved. Some helpful suggestions are:

1. Be a good listener. Allow the depressed person to unload his/her thoughts and feelings without making judgments.

2. Look for opportunities to give genuine praise.

3. Be sincerely interested and understanding.

4. Do not constantly correct the depressed person. She/He is already struggling with enough guilt.

5. Make supportive comments such as, “We love you.” “You look a lot better today.” And “I don’t fully understand but I would like to help.”

6. Spend time with the depressed person and encourage him/her to get involved in activities.

Support may also mean helping the depressed person to find proper professional help. A good rule of thumb is that if depression persists over a period of more than one month and/or involves intense symptoms, professional intervention should be considered. Even though it is often frightening to seek professional help, depression should not go untreated. When it gets to the point where something has to change, I can help you make the changes!!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!!

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

25 Strategies For Preventing Holiday Headaches With Your Family

The tension of a lifetime can emerge during a holiday visit with family.  There is something about family gatherings that can transform even the most confident man or woman into a helpless child, and usually thoughtful people into petty bickerers.  If you are stressing out about spending holidays with your family, here are some strategies that can keep you from getting sucked into family conflicts.

1.     Invite a friend or two to participate in family gatherings.  Behavior almost always improves in the presence of outsiders.

2.     Consider having family events in a neutral place such as a restaurant or a resort.  Reserve these places early.

3.     If specific family members get on your nerves, come up with a strategy to deal with the situation when it occurs.

4.     Develop your sense of humor.  Most things can be amusing if you don’t take them too seriously.

5.     Everybody tends to stay up later during holiday visits.  Tiredness tends to ensure bickering and short temperedness.  This is true for children and adults.  Get plenty of rest.

6.     Don’t take responsibility for everyone else’s happiness.  It’s okay to simplify, ask for help and change the way things have been done in the past.

7.     Avoid the need to criticize or to tell someone how things “Should be done”.  Remember, you have two ears and one mouth.  Listen more, talk less.

8.     If your momma asks you to go to church with her, go.  You love her and it will make her happy.

9.     If your family tends to have intense debates about religion or politics, you might want to declare a truce.  Typically, days can be spent preparing for the big meal and this well thought out event can quickly be ruined over a useless debate.

10. Make sure everyone knows what is going on; where, when and with whom.

11. Expect the unexpected.  Be prepared for the unplanned events that always seem to occur at family get togethers.  Be flexible.  Remember you didn’t pick your family and they didn’t pick you either.

12. Be mindful of the things you have instead of the things you don’t have.  Gratitude will keep you more focused on peace and harmony.

13. Lead by example.  When family members see you avoid petty conflicts, they will more likely follow your lead.

14. Brace yourself for teenagers.  Keep these strategies in mind:

a.      Avoid power struggles

b.     Expect some limit testing

c.     Focus more on listening than on demanding to be heard.

d.     Take a time out yourself when you feel the need.

e.      Establish curfews, expectations, guidelines ahead of time.

15. If family members prefer to remain home alone for their own personal reasons, respect their wishes and don’t pressure them into uncomfortable social situations.

16. You must accept the fact that it may not be possible to have a house full of relatives who get along.  It may be better to have a smaller gathering comprised of family and friends who interact well together than a larger group that doesn’t get along.

17. Don’t aim for perfection.  Unrealistic demands you place on yourself is a recipe for frustration and disaster.

18. If your family gathering is too much stress to bear, consider not going.

19. Leave your baggage at the door.  You don’t have to resolve unfinished family business during this holiday visit.  I suggest you plan to do it at another time if you feel the need.

20. Avoid too much downtime.  You are setting yourself up for conflicts if you allow your guests to get bored.  Plan group activities.  Go to a movie or local attraction.  Ride around and look at Christmas lights or play a game of football.

21. Make sure you spend quality time with your spouse and your children.  They are your priority, not your parents or siblings.

22. Don’t try to diet.  This is usually a dumb idea.  Moderation in food and alcohol is a better idea.  Make a plan and then do your best to stick to it.

23. Have realistic expectations and “go with the flow”.  It also helps if you can remember to breathe.

24. If a family member is not able to attend the holiday festivities, arrange a phone call or make a videotape of them event and mail it to them.

25. Keep family visits short.  Consider staying in a motel.  Remember the words of Benjamin Franklin, “Fish and company both stink after 3 days”.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Excerpt from Video and Articles: “Stay away from negative thoughts and statements like, I hate this!  This is driving me crazy! I cant stand this!  These types of statements are like throwing gasoline on a fire.  You are making it much more intense.  Replace these with positive declarations such as I can handle this. This is not that big of a deal.  I have unshakable peace of mind.  Nothing bothers me.  Your thoughts will direct your emotions.  Choose positive thoughts that help you keep your peace. ”

Let Mark Guide you into a Positive Attitude, for more information check out http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com/2009/12/starting-off-with-a-positive-attitude/

Your Best Self…
…Will Build A Better Relationship

The greatest gift you can give to somebody is your own personal development.  Stop waiting for the “some day” that never seems to come.  Stop waiting for people and circumstances to change.  Instead change what you can, yourself. Don’t settle for less than you can be.  Strive to be your best self.  When you take better care of yourself, everybody wins.  You will be a better partner and for that matter, a better parent, a better friend, and a better citizen.  Everybody benefits from your personal development.
This may sound a little odd but always work harder on yourself than you do your job.  You can change the word “job” to any other area of responsibility such as your marriage or your children.  I’m not telling you to go to work tomorrow and put your feet up on your desk with your hands behind your head.  If you do, then your supervisor will firmly ask you, “What do you think you’re doing?”  I don’t think your boss will appreciate it if you respond, “I’m just taking care of myself today.”  What I am telling you to do is to take better care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Self-responsibility is the goal here, not selfishness.  You are not trying to be first but rather the best that you can be.  You are taking care of yourself for the people that you love.  It’s like the pregnant mother who quits smoking for the sake of her unborn child.  Or the grandfather who starts an exercise and nutrition program because he wants to watch his grandchildren grow up.  By taking better care of us, others will benefit.  This can also be compared to keeping your car tuned up.  The tune-ups will get you better mileage and the engine will last much longer.
Your decision to improve is the starting point.  Decide to take charge of your life TODAY!  Decide to separate yourself from the crowd that only makes excuses for why they aren’t living life to the fullest.  Their excuses are based on fear.  You must conquer your fears.  If you listen to your fears, you will never know your truest potential.  Your fears will act as roadblocks that keep you from experiencing all of the good things that life has to offer.  Fear can fill your mind with thoughts that will hold you back.  These thoughts may be such as, “I can’t”, “It’s been tried before”, “It’s too hard” and “I’m not good enough”.  It doesn’t take much of this before you no longer trust your instincts.  All of us have been through trials of many kinds.  It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get back up.  Your past doesn’t predict your future.  Don’t be afraid to live.  I challenge you to respond positively, not negatively, to the things that happen to you.
When it looks like you’ve exhausted all of the possibilities, remember this “You Haven’t”!  Don’t wish for less problems, wish for more skills.  Surround yourself with people and resources that have the answers for self-improvement.  If you have a weakness, you need to be strong enough to admit it and then get some help to correct it.  Commit yourself to at least fifteen to thirty minutes per day of study for self-improvement.  This can be reading, listening to a tape, or watching a program but make sure you get your time in.  You can miss a meal but don’t miss this time of study.  Focus on topics that promote spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental growth.  Life will become much easier as you become better equipped to handle its challenges.
What could you do with your life if you really decide to?  How do you want to be remembered?  Stay away from the dead end street of comparing yourself to others.  Doing your best is more important than being the best.  Choose to make the most of each and every day.  By building a solid foundation of self-improvement you will have so much more to offer to the ones you love.  When you are your best self everybody wins.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Do You Have Trouble Keeping Your Mouth Shut When You Are Angry?

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”  If you answered yes to the title question I am sure you have realized the truth in this quote by Ambrose Bierce.  In order to gain control over your tongue you must be determined to see things differently.  People who lose their temper tend to view life in a negative and judgmental way.  You have the ability to direct your mind away from angry and upset feelings.  You need to realize that you can have peace of mind instead of conflict.
This article will cover a variety of mindsets and behaviors that will teach you how to keep your mouth shut when you are angry.

1. Be quick to listen and slow to speak.  Remember that you have two ears and only one mouth.  Use them in this proportion.  It’s better to be a good listener than to be a good speaker.  Listen carefully to what the other person has to say.  Take your time before giving them an answer.
2. Don’t be double minded.  You can’t have peace of mind and conflict at the same time.  Be clearly focused on the outcome that you want.  (Example: “I want to go to bed tonight feeling close to my partner.”).
3. You can’t be right and be married.  You have to decide “Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?”  Trying to be right will destroy the connection between you.  Instead, strive to do the right thing.
4. Don’t jump to conclusions.  Slow down and think through the situation.
5. Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head.  I often hear people say, “I cannot keep from saying the thoughts I have.”  You can and you must.
6. As I was writing this, my daughter reminded me of Thumper’s quote in the movie, “Bambi”.  “If you can’t say something nice…don’t say nothing at all.”  This is always good advice.
7. Don’t overreact to criticism.  Beneath the criticism is an underlying message.  Criticism is a smoke screen for deeper feelings.  I compare criticism to cheese on a mousetrap.  What happens when the mouse takes the cheese?  He gets his tail caught in the trap.  That’s what happens when you take the bait of criticism.  Don’t take the bait.  Listen for the underlying message.
8. Stay away from negative thoughts and statements like, “I hate this!”  “This is driving me crazy!” “I can’t stand this!”  These types of statements are like throwing gasoline on a fire.  You are making it much more intense.  Replace these with positive declarations such as “I can handle this.” “This is not that big of a deal.”  “I have unshakeable peace of mind.”  “Nothing bothers me.”  Your thoughts will direct your emotions.  Choose positive thoughts that help you keep your peace.
9. If someone uses absolute terms like “always”, “never”, “everybody”, and “nobody”; don’t take them literally.  These are emotional terms.  If your wife says “You never take me anywhere.”  and you know that’s not true; don’t take it as a personal attack.  Try and hear her underlying request that she needs to know she is special and she wants to spend some time with you.
10. Don’t overreact and don’t give advice too quickly.  This only trains people not to be open with you.
11. Don’t try to get in the last word.  It’s not worth the damage you could do by trying to win or be heard.
12. If you are angry repeat this scripture based verse in your head, “In all things be self controlled.”  Say it over and over so that you don’t get derailed into an argument.
13. There is life and death in the spoken word.  Make sure your words build people up versus tearing them down.
14. Remember to breathe.  Stick with the basics.  When you are upset, take a few deep breaths.
15. Strive to use an approach that promotes honor and respect.  This can make the difference between a twenty minute argument and a 3 day war.
16. Realize that your anger most likely is not going to help solve the problem and may actually make the matter worse.
17. Calmness will help you get to the heart of the matter.  This leads to conflict resolution.  Trying to be right or show your might will lead to conflict.
18. Staying connected is more important than making your point.

The only one who is responsible for the way your life works out is you.  You cannot change the past, but you can take responsibility for your future.  All it takes is a decision.  Decide to live a life of discipline rather than one of regret.  Remember that discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons.  Develop the power of a tamed tongue.

Best of Wishes,

Mark Webb

Creating realistic expectations can be quite challenging because most of us want the memories to be perfect.  It becomes difficult to enjoy time with family and friends when you have too many responsibilities and not enough time.  I suggest that you think on paper.  Make to-do lists.  Focus on the activities that will bring the desired result.  Understand what makes the holiday season special for you. What kind of experiences do you want to create this year? Remember that everything does not have to be perfect.  Once you have clarity on this, things will fall into place much easier.

Recognize and accept your own limitations.  Plan ahead and create a budget. Don’t confuse being busy with accomplishment.  Learn from your past mistakes.  Better yet, learn from other people’s mistakes.  Lack of planning ultimately leads to failure.  The holiday films that we all enjoy don’t show you the crew of staff behind the scenes who set up everything to look perfect.  Be wise in your approaches.

Here are some examples:

• Save yourself a few hours by ordering a cake instead of baking it yourself.
• Allow a cleaning person or crew to come in once a year during the holiday season to clean your home.
• Avoid the crowded stores; shop from the Internet or from catalogs.  These companies can ship the gifts for you.
• If you are having an informal get-together use nice, sturdy, and disposable plates and utensils.  Save the china for the more formal events.
• Most guests are willing to bring a side dish or appetizer.  Let them help.
• Designate a children’s room for play and one for eating.  Decorate with an inexpensive tablecloth.  Place a few drop cloths under the children’s seats to save wear and tear on your carpet.  This can reduce lots of stress.
• Gather your family, order a couple of pizzas and have a decorating party.  Create some family traditions.
• If you have a crowd coming over or people with small children, you can decrease your anxiety by putting up the breakable treasures.
• Buy a few disposable cameras and place them throughout the house.  Tell your guests to take pictures as they see fit.  This will keep you from being solely responsible for getting the holiday memories and you may finally get in some of the pictures.

Brace yourself for the upcoming stress of the holidays.  Watch out for increased irritability, decreased sleep or feeling overwhelmed.  Give yourself enough time so that you don’t have to rush.  Don’t let your mouth overload your back.  Learn to say “No”.  Some simple but powerful advice is:  Remember to breathe.  By the way, you should expect to feel down right after entertaining and after Christmas Day.

If you are going to be a guest at someone’s home, you may want to consider these suggestions:

• Don’t stay too long.  You may want to shorten the length of the visit instead of wearing out your welcome.
• Discipline your own children.  If Little Johnny goes wild, then Little Johnny’s parents need to be the ones who handle it – no one else.  This keeps toes from getting stepped on.
• Set differences aside.  Don’t try to resolve past issues at this time.
• It may be wise to make separate accommodations as a hotel rather than staying at a relative’s home.
• Be helpful to the host.

It is totally normal after being in situations that place you under peak emotional demands that your body and mind will need to regroup.  Make sure you get plenty of extra rest.

Helen Keller once said, “The only real blind person at Christmas time is he who has not Christmas in his heart.”  Christmas is a state of mind.  Enjoy the holiday season.  There is more to it than baking and entertaining.  Make sure they are full of fun and laughter. Create happy feelings and memories.  Look at the holidays through the eyes of a child.

The three stages of a man’s life:

• He believes in Santa Claus.
• He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
• He is Santa Claus.

What should you do if you are having a hard time with the holidays

If you and your family are dealing with loss or separation, discuss how you are feeling.  Acknowledging how you feel will reduce emotional stress.  Holding feelings inside creates tension and depression.  Symptoms to watch out for are:

• Depressed Mood
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Low Energy Level
• Restlessness
• Sleep and/or Appetite Disturbance
• Feelings of Worthlessness
• Feelings of Hopelessness and/or Helplessness

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).

Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com

or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com