How To Get Your Husband To Help More Around The House Without Nagging Him To Death

Are you tired of playing out this same scenario?  Men, there is nothing worse than a tired woman who is facing a house full of chores, especially when she sees you laying on the couch watching television with no intention to help whatsoever.

Ladies,   do you realize that you probably have it better than your mama did?  Researchers have discovered that men today do four to five times more household chores than their fathers did.  Still, when you compare between men and women, men do a lot less.

Points That Husbands Should Consider:

1) Husbands, by involving yourself in the housework, you tell your wife that the housework is important and valuable to keeping the home comfortable.  This indirectly tells her, she is also important and valuable.

2) You set a good example for your children.

3) Do the chores with a positive attitude.  She would rather not have your help than listen to you grumble the whole time.

4) Make the housework part of your together time.  As you do the chores you can also talk about how your days went.

5) Every wife appreciates your help, especially if you do it without her having to ask you.

6) Is this how you would treat a date or your best friend?  If you don’t think the chores are your responsibility, then do them out of the love you feel for your wife.  This will give her an opportunity to relax with you afterwards which will most likely lay the groundwork for more romantic endeavors.

7) When she divorces you for not helping her; you’ll be doing all of it by yourself.  You should really think about this one.

1) Ask Him.  I know you’re thinking, “I shouldn’t have to.  It’s his house too!”  I agree.  If you want to get this train rolling then I suggest you ask him and do so in a loving manner.  Explain in a calm manner how your predicament of doing the housework is negatively impacting you.

2) Don’t Give Him A List.  Men tend to reject lists unless they made the list themselves.  If you stack too many requests on a guy too soon you will be doomed to fail with this transformation.

3) Play Music That He Likes.  Music calms the savage beast.  Turn it up.  You could find a ballgame on the radio as an alternative.

4) Don’t Play Games.  Some “experts” suggest that you let the housework go.  The premise is that a cleaning strike will show him how valuable you are.  However this will backfire.  Your husband will step over and walk around the point you are trying to make.

5) Don’t Nag.  The more you nag, the less he will do.  A contest of wills between the two of you will only produce strife and frustration.

6) Don’t Demand He Do It Now.  Standing over him yelling “Do it now!” won’t help.  Backing off will give him a greater sense of self control which is more conducive with how men operate.

7) Focus On What He Does, Not On What He Doesn’t Do.  How would you like it if your husband pointed out your flaws and never noticed your good qualities?  You would grow to resent him.  It’s the same with men and housework.

8) Are Your Expectations Too High?  Be careful not to over-critique his work.  Don’t dismiss him in an angry huff if he doesn’t do the job just the way you want.  He will respond from then on with, “It’s never good enough for you so why don’t you do it yourself.”

9) Teach Him.  You might be surprised to learn that your husband was never taught how to use a mop or operate the washing machine.  Even if he does know how he may not do it the way you would like.  Don’t get aggravated, teach him how.  Most husbands want to please their wife.

10)Consider Marriage Counseling.  If nothing seems to be working, therapy may uncover the root cause of the problem.

11)Increase Your Appreciation.  Give him the words of thank you that you probably aren’t getting yourself.  Positive reinforcement works well on encouraging repeat performance.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his websites at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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The 10 Most Powerful Secrets for Creating A Magical Relationship That Will Last A Lifetime! ~ By Mark Webb

Secret #1

Decide To Be Great!

Great relationships do not just happen.  They are the result of bold decisions.  It took me years to realize why some relationships succeed while others fail.  Individual after individual cited.

“I don’t know why she left me.  I was a good husband.”

“I don’t know why he left me for another woman.  I was a good wife.”

Eventually I realized that the difference was in the label.  Good only gets poor results and poor results are not enough to carry a relationship, let alone make it satisfying.  You have to decide to be GREAT because a great partner will do many things that a good partner will not.  By making this distinction you will set a better course for yourself and thus you will get the kind of relationship that you have always wanted.

Learning to put the needs of your partner first is the core of becoming great.  Many people struggle with this because of selfish patterns of desire.

In order to be a great partner you must put your partner first in all things.

Partner focused relationships center on the bigger picture, which is connectedness.  The level of closeness shared will be in proportion to the sacrifices made.  If you want to be at the center of your relationship and have everything be about you, then this e-course is not for you.  I am only looking for the men and women who are tired of playing games and are looking for true results.  If this is you, then welcome.  I can show you a better way.

Loneliness is the consequence of self-centeredness.  Time after time, I see people insist on having their own way until their partner leaves them in total disgust and complete resentment.  Selfishness never works.  This is a hard lesson for most of us to learn and some never do.  Most people do not even realize that they have tendencies that are in fact selfish.  By the time you finish this e-course that will be eliminated from your conduct.  Your partner will look at you with eyes of respect and will feel safe in your presence.  Trust will no longer be such a key issue and love will abound.

Is it ever too late to learn how to become a great partner?  The answer is never.  Are you willing to do whatever it takes?  Most say yes but their actions say no.

Persistence is the key to achieve the transformation to greatness.

Anyone can utilize the techniques and concepts that are outlined in this e-course regardless of past experience or lack thereof.  If you are a person with a sincere heart and honest efforts, you will achieve the status of greatness.  It will be a result of your willingness to risk and your persistence to stay with it even when it seems that you are not getting anywhere.

Human nature is to want results fast and easy.  Consistent application of these principles and skills will come over time.  I designed most of the subjects in this e-course to give you fast results because I know how desperate some of you may be and how impatient the rest of you are.  Therefore, I have developed a solid program that will get you results regardless of your commitments.  Even with this said, some of you would give up at the first sign of trouble and move onto another book with another approach.  This book will work for you.  The foundations of this e-course are timeless and you will not fail as long as you stick with it.  So if it is hard, then do it hard because isn’t your partner worth it?  Of course, they are, so stick with the decision to be Great and the willingness to do whatever it takes.

Secret #2

Don’t Worry About Fairness

The goal of a relationship is not to think alike but to think together.  How would you like to have an eternal sense of belonging with your partner?  This is possible and needs to be a focal point in your daily pursuit of becoming a great partner.  Remember, it is all about connection.  Do not worry about issues that are not helpful or productive.  Fairness is one such issue.

When you revert to old patterns, like worrying about what is fair, you prevent connection from happening.  Insistence on having your way is a no-win approach.  It breeds anger.  The anger grows into resentment.  The resentment comes out as rudeness.  Rudeness in any form will destroy your sense of connection to your partner.

Approaches such as “I will if you will” do not work.  You should not expect your partner to do things you are not willing to do.  This is an approach of the weak, not the great.  A stalemate is the result.  Needs go unmet.  No one is happy.

I am asking you to be willing to take the risk of uncertainty.  I expect you to focus on the fulfillment of your partner’s needs regardless of whether or not they reciprocate.  This may sound crazy but I am trying to teach you the skills of the great and this is one of them.

Does your partner have double standards?  The answer is yes.  Even if they will not admit it.  Everybody has double standards.  They can be quite aggravating to live with.  You have to deal with your partner pointing out things you are doing wrong.  All the while, you know that they do the very same type of thing.  You can try to point the double standards out to your partner.  Nevertheless, they only argue that it is not the same.  They can justify it every time.  You never win the argument.  It will only lead to discouragement and doubt about your partner and the future of the relationship.

Take the higher ground.  Do not point out their double standards.

Great partners don’t want to be right.  Great partners want to do the right thing.

This is why you want to keep quiet even when you spot a double standard.  Remember, you have them too.

I want you to accept your partner as they are.  Accept their double standards.  Unconditional love is the goal here.  Too many relationships fall to the wayside because of unnecessary quarrels over what is fair and unfair.  It is very hard to agree on issues of fairness even if a third party intervenes and decides for the two of you, there will still be hurt feelings on somebody’s part.  Hurt feelings produce distance.  It gives a feeling that I have lost again. How is this going to make a couple feel more connected?  It won’t.  So, stay away from being right and focus more on what is right for your relationship.

Shallow victories are all you will ever have if you choose to condemn your partner.  It is very tempting to retaliate when you have been attacked or felt offended.  Set yourself apart from others.  Realize that it is pointless to argue over who is right or wrong.

Love seeks compromise.  Deep connection comes when both you and your partner are willing to compromise.  I am asking you to take the risk of being willing to relinquish your right for fairness.  I am asking you to have faith in not only yourself but in your partner as well.  This kind of action may sound like you are taking a gamble.  You may not like the uncertainty of this.

Remember, you are striving towards greatness and this move leads you to unconditional acceptance of your partner.  Doesn’t that sound like love to you?

Vow to always be respectful of your partner.  This bestows dignity to you and your partner.  A partner who is noble brings honor to the relationship.  Refuse to pursue your old ways of worrying about fairness.  Focus instead on commitments that will enhance your relationship.

Commit to become a great partner and to have an everlasting connection with your mate.

Commit to stick with these goals no matter what.  By keeping your promises, you build confidence in yourself and in the relationship.  Your partner will trust you.  You will trust in yourself because you will have learned that your word is in fact solid.  If you can have integrity in an intimate relationship, you can have it anywhere.

Secret #3

You Can’t Be Right And Be Together

Immaturity is the reason why people have to be right.  Being opinionated and argumentative is not part of the criteria for greatness.  Have you ever considered the cost of this childish behavior?  If you practice defensive styles of communication in your relationship, you will eventually wear out the love between you.  People who exercise arrogant tactics hang onto a false sense of self.  They ultimately end up alone because they drive away those who attempt to love them.  It is also a very exhaustive role because it is quite energy draining when you try to be strong and on guard all of the time.  Another cost involved is that your partner cannot put any faith in what you say because it is so one-sided.

Keeping score with what your partner does wrong often seems to make sense to the person wronged.  If you are doing this, stop.  If you are considering this, do not.  Keeping score promotes resentment and causes the focus of the relationship to shift towards revenge or some other form of bitterness.  So, if you are keeping a journal of infractions, get rid of it.  I had rather you focus instead on what is the better way to handle you.  Being right makes you a loser.

Doing the right thing makes you a winner.  Doing the right thing always brings victory.  This leads to greatness.

Another angle on this discussion is the faultfinder.  There is no glory in being a faultfinder.  Anyone can find something wrong with any individual but why would you want to do this towards someone you supposedly love.  This negative trait must be eliminated.  It is shallow in nature.  No one likes to be criticized.  Criticism is another annoying behavior that will break your partner’s spirit.  Faultfinding is verbal abuse.  If you have been critical of your partner then stop immediately, apologize, and vow never to do it again.

Shallow victories are all you will ever obtain if you live the life of a faultfinder.  It is easy to be caught up in this habit because there are so many negative things in our world.  You could virtually find something wrong with anything.  Every person you meet and every place you go can be criticized.  There is no glory in being a faultfinder.  Once again, this habit promotes a false sense of importance.  It will close your partner’s spirit and they will grow to resent you.

Great partners learn to build up positive qualities.  They make their partner feel safe and accepted.

Harsh tonality can also indicate rightness and superiority but if you frighten your partner, you will only create distance between you.  A loud or harsh tone often triggers old childhood or adolescent feelings of helplessness.  If your partner grew up in an emotionally challenged environment, watch the tone of your voice.  Thirty eight percent of communication is your tone of voice.  Make sure that your tone of voice reflects love and respectfulness.  Do not hide behind the excuse that you could not help it, you were angry.  Your reaction could be training your partner to be afraid of you.  Is that the reaction you want them to have?  I doubt it.  You know that you want them to trust you.

“She never said a word but her eyes said, I hate you.”  That is the problem with a mean stare.  Many people hide behind comments like “I didn’t hit them” or “I didn’t say a word” but remember that looks can kill.  This look will kill the relationship if you try to intimidate your partner with hateful looks or stares.  The biggest price you will pay is that you will become less connected as a couple.  A secondary price is that you will think less of yourself over time and you can bet that they will think less of you as well.  You cannot gain respect by being disrespectful.

Passive partners usually do not realize that their pouting behavior can also destroy a relationship.  When they compare themselves to people who are aggressive, they think that they are more appropriate and they are, but they are not being clear with their thoughts and feelings.  They keep the thoughts to themselves and bitterness begins to grow.  They feel that they cannot be themselves or they will face some negative consequence from their partner.  Sometimes this is based on past relationships so they slowly but surely build a wall of resentment.  Their partner does not realize it and believes everything is okay.  All the while, the passive partner is cussing them under their breath.

Hardness of heart is the result if you choose the path of holding a grudge.  The act of not forgiving an infraction will dissolve the glue that holds your relationship together.  Many people take a righteous position because they feel justified in their anger and hurt.  Moreover, they are justified but regardless, the price you personally pay is too high.  The spirit of who you are as an individual will forever be negatively impacted.  Your character will also be underdeveloped.  Being unable to forgive will stunt your growth in terms of your potential in relationships and in life.

Incompatibility is often the complaint that fuels frustration in a relationship.  Most relationships are not compatible.  Most start out as opposites that bring a sense of completeness over time.  On the front end of a relationship there is usually a sense that maybe we have made a mistake.  Maybe we should not be together.  You are not necessarily expected to be compatible.  A common pattern that reflects this is the distancer/pursuer relationship.  This has to do with how they each handle conflict.  One becomes distant or withdrawn during times of conflict and the other partner cannot let the matter go until it is resolved.  This feels like a formula for disaster but when you learn that doing the right thing is better than being right, you find compatibility.

Family upbringing has a lot to do with how you handle conflict.  In some families, the worst thing you can do if a disagreement occurs is to walk away.  You should stay there and hash it out until the matter is resolved.  In other families, the worst thing you can do if a disagreement occurs is to continue to argue.  You should part company until you have had time to cool off and think things through.  You then come back together as a couple and resolve the issue.  Interestingly enough, these two different type backgrounds usually come together in relationships.  So which one is right?  You can make a good case for either one because they both have merit to them.  Both have pluses and minuses.

Bill and Lisa have a pattern that reflects the distancer/pursuer relationship.  It goes like this.  An argument begins one morning in the kitchen before Bill goes to work.  He wants to have the matter resolved so he is not distracted by this while at work.  Lisa becomes anxious at Bill’s insistence that the matter be straightened out, so she leaves the room.

Bill‘s response is “Oh no you don’t” and he pursues her to the next room.

Each time, Bill tries to make his point or may even try to apologize but Lisa feels smothered by Bill’s pressure.  She goes from room to room with Bill hot on her trail.  She eventually says something mean or cold that causes Bill to either throw his hands up in aggravation or he retreats with a sad hopelessness.  A day or two passes and Lisa is now ready to face the issue.  She has had enough time to process her thoughts and feelings on the matter.  She approaches Bill, only to get a cold shoulder from him.

He responds by pouting, “Oh no, you had your chance two days ago.”

He now sulks in his righteous hurt until she apologizes enough to draw him back into the relationship.  The pattern will likely repeat as the next conflict or potential conflict arises.

Getting in the last word is a commonly held belief of victory.  Maybe it is a victory but the victory is a shallow one.  There is no real victory with bossy behaviors.  Suppose you get into an argument with your partner and you really let them have it.  Maybe you crush them by bringing up their most vulnerable subject.  You bring them to tears.  You win.  You win the argument.  You hurt them more than they hurt you.  You go to bed angry but so what?  Well I’ll tell you what.  You have hurt your partner and now they cannot trust you.  If you continually strive to get the last word in, you will ultimately live a life of solitude because the distrust of you by your partner will end the relationship.  Therefore, in other words, the one who gets the last word usually loses the most.

Challenges against your efforts to stay close to your partner will always exist.  You will often feel uncertain about the future of your relationship.  You may never see eye to eye with your partner on particular issues.  However, you can learn to stay connected during the tough times.  A committed relationship requires a promise to stick together during the thick and the thin.  Your commitment to the relationship and to do the right thing even if your partner is not playing by the same rules is crucial.  Focus on the union between you.

Lift your relationship to a level of greatness by being kind instead of trying to be right.

Doing the right thing (kindness) is always going to bring love and honor to the relationship.  Acts of kindness, even when hurt or angry, are more important.  You will feel a much deeper level of satisfaction when you demonstrate love towards your partner.  Remind yourself, “How would a great partner act at a time like this?”  This will help in moments of uncertainty.  Always strive towards kindness.

All problems can be solved if both partners are willing to stay connected.  They may not always agree but connection is possible.  This ability to stay connected even in the heat of disagreement is a skill that you will master over time.

Commit yourself that no matter what happens between you, “I’ll ride the storm out and be here for my partner.

My partner is worth it no matter how difficult this moment may be.”

Stay focused on the bigger picture, which is seeing the relationship lasting forever.

Secret#4

Always Honor Your Partner

Remember all holidays and anniversaries.  If you want to truly honor your partner, remember the dates that are important to them and that memorialize your relationship.  Men are particularly bad at this but can learn to not only remember the dates but to acknowledge them as well.  The number of men who will not acknowledge Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthdays and wedding anniversaries always surprises me.  These guys just do not get it.  They are causing long-term damage through the repetitious hurting of their woman’s heart.  These dates are very important.  You can rationalize it any way you want by complaining about the commercialization of America.  You may be able to win the debate but you will lose your woman.  Step up and honor your woman.

Here are some suggestions just for the men.  When your woman has a doctor’s appointment concerning the possibility of any serious type of news, such as a follow up for an abnormal pap smear, abnormal mammogram or any other abnormal results, then you need to offer to go with her to these appointments.  This also includes prenatal exams throughout any pregnancy.  Some of the prenatal visits must be attended.  These include the first ultrasound, the ultrasound around the 16^th week that reveals the sex of the child, and all Lamaze classes.

Women generally do not expect their man to attend or ask about attending routine physical exams, mammograms or pap smears.  They do expect your active involvement throughout the pregnancy and delivery of your child.  You must attend without asking or being asked, any kind of surgical procedures and pre-operational visits.  Let her know that you care and that you are there for her.

Another way you can honor your woman is by remembering the dates of the painful memories of her life.  Women tend to be very good at remembering dates.  You need to learn to be as diligent.  Do not make excuses.  These painful dates may be times such as the date of a miscarriage and the expected due date of that baby.  In addition, dates involving loved ones who have passed.  This may be the date of a death, birthdays, anniversaries and holidays.  You don’t want to draw too much attention to these times but you need to be aware of them and that any moodiness on her part may be related to those dates and those memories.  Let her know that you care and are there for her.

Train yourself to love your partner as God loves them.  By this, I am referring to the unconditional aspect of God’s love.  He loves us no matter what.  He sees our goodness.  His love is inexhaustible.  He never stops loving us.  Even when our behavior is negative and our attitude is lousy.

It is possible to love someone that way.  Challenging, yes, but possible.  You should strive to love your partner this very same way, no matter what.  Just remember that this will be a lifelong process for you.  Over time, you will grow better and better at it.  Eventually you will be able to be consistent in your thoughts and actions of love.

I have typically observed that it is easier for us as parents to exercise the practice of unconditional love.  Having children proves to be an excellent instructional arena for the development of this method of loving someone else.  If you have children, think of the countless examples of how you have demonstrated unconditional love towards them.  For that matter, think of the even more examples of how they have unconditionally loved you.  Children are great teachers of the basics.  Now think of how you can transfer some of these same examples onto the person that you honor as your partner.

Here is another example for the men, particularly the men with children.  Always greet your partner first.  If you want her to adore you, develop this habit.  Who generally gets to you first when you arrive home?  The children, right?  They are so excited to see you.  Most men greet the children first, but do not do this.  Always greet your partner first.  In addition, here is a little inside information for you guys; she typically hides when you get home.  She wants you to be interested enough or care enough to come find her.  Do not stop and read the mail.  Do not sit in the recliner.  Go find her.

Instead of stopping to hug the children, say to them, “Ya’ll help me find Momma.”

They gladly help and you rush to where your woman is.  Greet her with enthusiasm.  Then greet the children.  The reason behind this relates to a matter of developing respect from your children for their mother.  In most homes, the father can tell the children to do something and the children will do it.  However, the mother can tell the children to do the same thing and the children give her a hard time about it.  This helps squash this behavior.

When you greet your children first, then your partner, you are giving them the message that they are more important.  They believe that daddy holds them in greater esteem than he does their momma.  Thus, they do not have to do what she says.  However, when you greet their momma first, then they see that you hold her in greater esteem and they had better do what she says.  Someone will greet them first when they reach adulthood but for now, honor their momma. The love and respect that you show towards her will come back to you multiplied.

Differences will exist between you and your partner.

Great partners respect what is important to their partner, even if they don’t understand why or don’t appreciate it.

If it is important to them then honor it.  I know you are probably thinking about all exceptions to this suggestion and you may be right.  I am referring to the hobbies and interests of your partner such as racing, hunting, foreign films and scrap booking.

Secret #5

The Language You Use Will Determine Your Relationship’s Destiny

A stormy relationship can be forecast when you observe the repetitious language from either partner.  Pessimistic descriptions of your partner or the relationship will predict unhappiness.  Both partners will suffer if you neglect to use language to your advantage.  When I use the word language, I am referring to the spoken word as well as thoughts that may never be spoken.  You may say to yourself that there is nothing wrong with just thinking negative thoughts.  This is a common mistake that many people make.  Repetitious thoughts of a negative nature can do as much damage as negative statements.

I like the children’s rhyme: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”  It is a rhyme of empowerment but I believe words can do a lot of harm.

You must watch what you say or think if you hope to ever transform into a great partner.

Aaron and Stacey had only been married a year when I met them.  A once passionate relationship had deteriorated into a cold, hateful one.  Multiple arguments throughout each day led to threats of divorce.  Separation soon followed.  A conversation with Aaron gave way to a revealing statement.  “I thought to myself the moment I married her, what have I done?”  Aaron disclosed that he has said, “What have I done?” every day over the past year.

“What have I done?” implies a mistake of colossal proportion.  They had an argument that they could not recover from and soon divorced.

A positive attitude is crucially important.  You must learn to watchdog the thoughts that circulate through your head.  You must also restrain yourself from speaking words that are not healthy or productive.  If you want to deliver yourself from the chains of unhappiness, it will be necessary that you cut yourself off from negative spoken and unspoken words.

“I didn’t mean it.  I was just angry. Please forgive me.”  Carelessness of your words will do horrible damage to the relationship.  Sometimes people say things that are unforgivable.  When you are hurting or are scared, it is tempting to want to verbally retaliate.  Do not allow yourself to cross this line.  If your response is, “I can’t help it. The words just come out before I realize what I’m doing” you must redirect yourself through the power of decision.  You must make a clear decision that you are going to break this habit.  You must decide that you will work with this until you conquer it.

Just as words, spoken or unspoken, can destroy a relationship, they can also build a great one.

Inspire yourself and your partner by using language, which fills your heart and mind with love and respect.  Deliberately speak words of love to your partner and of your partner.  Do this regardless of how they may act.  You want to train yourself to be unconditional in your love of your partner, especially in the unseen areas, of your thoughts.  This is where the true discipline must be developed.  Will you love in your thoughts even in the times of hurt and aggravation?

A common situation of how negative expectations undermine the future of a relationship is seen in the following example.  A couple comes into my office for marital therapy.  The wife tells me that this is her second marriage.  She describes that her first husband ran around on her and she went through a painful divorce.  She initially swore off men.  Nevertheless, through some time and loneliness, she meets another man.  He is a nice man so she marries him.  But she is so afraid that her new husband is going to do what the first husband did, that she is doing things like:  calling him 20 times a day at work.  She says it is just to say hello but it is obvious through her line of questioning that she is checking up on him.  If he ever looks at another woman or worse yet speaks to one, she responds with “What are you doing?” “What are you up to?”  She displays ongoing jealous, possessive, insecure behavior.  They end up in my office and she does not understand why her husband wants out of the marriage.

I know you can respond with “Well, he didn’t leave her for another woman like she expected.”  That is true, but the outcome will be the same.  She is going to be alone again if she does not change her negative focus.

Renewing your attitude every morning is vital.  I have heard preachers say that you should declare, “Today I serve you Lord.”  I have heard motivational speakers say that you should affirm, “I’m going to be positive in all things today.”  It is essential that you give yourself direction each morning.  Do not just wait and see how your day ends up.  Set a course for yourself.  This will ensure you victory in the things that you pursue.  You are seeking to become a great partner, so for our purpose, you want to affirm something about your relationship.  I recommend that you say an affirmation out loud or at least write it down each and every morning, even if you don’t feel like it or you’re too busy.  Each morning I assert, “I have a Wonderful, Christ-Centered Marriage with Dorraine!”

A college professor once asked our clinical psychology class, “What is the definition of intelligence?”  His answer was, “It is the ability to speak to the person you are speaking with.”  That has always stuck with me.  I must learn to adapt my communication to the style of the person I’m speaking with.  You are setting yourself up to have miscommunications if you expect others to adjust to your style.  You must speak with them on their terms.  This will certainly force you to adjust but the rewards are well worth it.  You are doing this anyway.  I am just asking you to consciously do this towards your partner.  You speak differently to your coworkers than you do your supervisor.  You speak differently to your pastor than you do your best friend.  Learn to adjust for your partner.

How does this apply to your partner?  By learning to grasp your partner’s language and speaking to them on their terms, you show them a tremendous amount of love.  What a show of respect, to adjust your style of communication to better suit their style.

Secret #6

Be Singularly Focused In Terms of What You Want In Your Relationship

Beware of the danger of being double-minded about your relationship.  You will never achieve a great relationship if you do not learn how to singularly focus your desires.  You must be clear about what it is that you truly want.  This does not mean kind of want, but what is the precise goal you have for your relationship.  You must keep your mind on the things that you want and off the things you do not want.  Napoleon Hill, world-renowned success philosopher, calls this “Definiteness of Purpose”.  Without this focus, you are dead in the water.  Be singularly focused.

My family once lived in a home that had a huge backyard with lots of grass.  I used to dislike having to water this vast yard because it involved regularly marching into the wet grass and mowing the sprinkler.  Not a big hassle, but one just the same.

Then one day while shopping at a department store I found a splitter hose nozzle.  This little piece of hardware can run two hoses with sprinklers of a single spigot.  I quickly bought the nozzle and an additional hose with sprinkler.  I immediately hooked them up when I arrived home.  I turned the spigot on full blast and do you know what happened?  The two sprinklers together watered less than the one sprinkler by itself.  The second nozzle had reduced the water pressure.

I was disappointed but it later served to help me understand this principle of being singularly focused.  I often meet couples that fall into this trap of being double-minded or what is commonly referred to as relationship ambivalence.

Let me give you some examples.  A man may bounce between his desires of wanting to be single and his love for his wife.  A woman may think about leaving her husband every time they get into an argument.  The possibilities of examples can go on and on but each one reflects indecision.

Individuals can live in this land of indecision for years.  You have seen them.  They are the couples that sit together at restaurants and barely utter a word to each other.  You cannot tell yourself that you love your partner and at the same time secretly hold thoughts of wanting a divorce or of thinking of someone else.  A relationship cannot thrive at such a level.

Great relationships must be fed large portions of love not meager scraps of indecision.

People who split their energy within their relationship will suffer as much as the relationship itself.  Over time, they experience a slow death of their spirit.  They lose touch with whom they are and what they have to offer.

I remember an episode from “Happy Days” in which Richie Cunningham asked the Fonz about the mirrors on his motorcycle.  Richie pointed out to the Fonz that the mirrors were supposed to be facing the traffic behind him not on himself.

The Fonz responded with his classic, “Heeeey, why do I want to see where I’ve already been?”

Can you imagine driving your car and only using the rearview mirror to guide you?  How far do you think you would get?  Not very far.  Your focus is supposed to be through the windshield towards the direction that you want to go.  The rearview mirror serves a purpose but it is for glancing into.  Your primary focus is in the direction of where you are headed.

This is another illustration of being singularly focused.

You must keep the majority of your focus on becoming a great partner.  You must see a great relationship ahead for you and your partner.

You may see many sights along the way but keep your mind on your ultimate destination of greatness.

What is most important to you in your relationship with your partner?  This needs to be thought out in specific detail.  It is better to be more specific because it gives your mind a better understanding of where you are headed.  The clearer the image in your mind the faster you will arrive at this desired location.  Remember, double-mindedness will prevent you from ever completing your trip.  You cannot have two destinations that are polar opposite to each other.

What can you do today to make your relationship better?  Spend some time thinking about this before you read on.  After you come up with an idea, do something about it.  Whether it is big or small, follow through.

IN THIS SPACE JOT DOWN SPECIFIC WAYS YOU CAN MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP BETTER:

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Additional to the dangers of being double-minded, I want you to watch out for the practice of plate spinning.  Have you ever seen the circus act that involves a person spinning multiple plates on thin sticks?  They may have nine sticks spinning with nine plates all at one time.  When one starts to wobble, the performer rushes to it and gives it enough spins to keep it going for a while.  Then another plate starts to wobble so the performer is off again.  This could be an endless procedure of frantically bolting from plate to plate.

Beware of plate spinning in your own life.  A relationship can suffer because it is just one plate among many that you may be spinning.

It only gets time and energy when it starts to wobble.  Wobbling in a relationship usually means things like complaining, nagging or threats of divorce.  Your relationship gets plenty of attention as long as it is unsteady.  However, just as soon as it starts spinning strong, you rush off to the next wobbling plate, which may be your education, career, or hobby.

This sets your partner to have to regularly fuss and complain in order to get the attention needed.  After awhile, you do not want to put any energy into spinning the relationship plate.  Your partner eventually does not care if you do or do not put your energy into this relationship.

You must set a clear goal that your relationship will stand on its own.  That it will not be just another plate in your busy life with multiple tasks and responsibilities.  Your relationship is your priority.  It must not be equated to the same level of interest and respect of your education, your career, and especially not your hobby.

How long will it take to transform into a great partner?  The transformation can be rather instantaneous if your efforts are sincere.  The hard part is sticking with this goal even if it seems you are not getting the desired results.

If your partner has a put wall between the two of you, it may take a while for them to believe you have really placed them first, before your hobbies and friends.  Decide to stick with this process no matter what.  You can usually prove the fact that you have transformed within a six to nine month period.  You must be consistent.  You must stay focused.

Secret #7

Be Quick To Say And Do These Transforming Strategies

Certain things just have to be said.  These things are essential for the making of a great relationship.  Surprisingly, some people refuse to say them.  It is as if they see that behavior as a sign of weakness.  It becomes a matter of pride.  If you struggle with some of the things in this chapter, then force yourself to get over it.  Whatever your explanation, drop it.  It is not worth the time or the effort.

Let us start with a basic one that most people can agree with.

“Thank you”.

That’s right, “Thank you”.

You can show appreciation and respect through these simple but powerful words.  You may respond that “Thank you” is just common sense but you would be amazed at how a lot of partners never get to hear them.  Do you thank your partner after they cook you a meal, take out the trash, cut the grass or clean the house?  I hope your answer is “Yes” to this question.

Your partner needs to know that they are appreciated.  Most partners are great at this during the early stages of a relationship but once the couple is settled in, these words seem to vanish.  Do not take your partner for granted.  Do not say, “thank you” only for the big things or things that only you consider to be worthy.  Give words of thankfulness freely and generously.

Let us step it up a notch with the words, “I love you.”  Once again, I hope this is something you say all of the time.  If not, why?  If you love your partner and you do not tell them, you are killing the relationship.  Your partner may tell you that they do not need to hear that you love them but tell them anyway.

Some people are just too hardcore when it comes to saying these words of devotion.  I cannot count the number of people I have spoken with in a therapeutic environment who are deprived of these words.  Their partner refuses to say these words as if they reflect weakness.  It is usually a reflection of their fear of opening themselves up to the possibility of getting hurt.  They want their actions to speak instead.  If this has been you, I want you to stop feeding your fears and start intentionally feeding your partner with the words, “I love you.”

Do not come back with the argument that after a while the words become meaningless.  That will only be true if you let it be true.  Do not let the words be empty ones but rather words that mirror how you truly feel about your partner.

Now we are going to push even deeper.  If you are not already saying this, I want you to master the ability of apologizing.

If you want to be a great partner, you must learn to say, “I’m sorry”.

Most people strive to gain supremacy by arguing their intentions or by trying to convince their partner that they did not do anything wrong in the first place.

Do not try to argue or defend because you are only teaching your partner that it is a waste of their time to try to tell you anything.  After a while they will shut you out of their heart altogether.  They figure, what is the point?  You are just going to have it your way anyway.

It takes a great man or woman to admit when they are wrong and to apologize if their partner has been hurt.

Some common responses to this are that you did not mean to hurt them.

“They are just too sensitive or they are always getting their feelings hurt.”

“I can’t say anything to them without them getting upset.”

You can argue until you are blue in the face and the bottom line is that your partner will still feel hurt.  Regardless as to whether or not you meant to hurt the, apologize.  Saying, “I’m sorry” can move mountains of upset feelings.

A great partner strives to be the first to sincerely apologize.

They do this even if they feel hurt as well.  It does not matter to a great partner who started it or who acted the worst.  A great partner focuses on doing the best thing for the relationship.  If an apology is the best thing, then apologize.

Let me push you even deeper.  A great partner is quick to forgive.  If you have been hurt or wronged by your partner, I want you to forgive them.

I know this is a debatable subject.  Generally, as a rule though, I want you to forgive them.  You may feel justified in your position of unforgiveness.  This is a dead-end street for the relationship.  If you have unforgiveness then the relationship has nowhere to go.  If the relationship cannot grow then it will die.

Perhaps the actions of your partner were unforgivable.  I will let you determine which ones fit this category.  If this is the case, I want you to consider the possibility of forgiving them.  I am not saying that what they did was not wrong but rather can you get past this infraction?  Can you let go of your hurt and resentment so that the relationship can have a better future?

It is of grave importance that you do not wrap yourself in an armor of unforgiveness.  You do not want to imprison yourself from ever having a chance at a great relationship.  If you say, “I’ll never forgive them no matter what!” then you just threw away the key.  You have just sentenced yourself to a lifetime of unhappiness.

Couples who are happy are always smiling.  This sounds obvious.  What does it say about the couples who are not smiling?  If you are not smiling what message are you giving your partner?  I have always heard that a friend is someone whose face lights up when you enter a room.  What does your face tell your partner?  Do not come back with “Well, you should see the look on my partner’s face.”  We are not talking about their face; we are talking about yours.  Do not take this advice to extremes.  I do not expect a painted on fake smile.  I want the love you have for your partner to be easily seen by the expression on your face.  Great partners smile when their partner enters the room.  Let your smile show passion and enthusiasm.

So how do people in love look?  Why do they look that way?  Do they have to make themselves do this?  They are focusing their minds on being in love and as a result, they whistle and sing all the day through.

Quality or quantity of time often comes up in discussions about relationships.

Deciding which is more important will depend on the needs of your partner.  I find that your partner will generally fluctuate between the two.  Do not try to lock it into a set decision.  Sometimes your partner just needs to know you care and maybe a quick dinner.  Other times, they may need the support of your presence or for you to hold them for a while.  Let your partner decide which is most important and realize that it is subject to change.

Secret #8

Develop An Attitude Of Service Towards Your Partner

“I need her to acknowledge what I’m doing.” Jeff agonized.

He went on to say, “I need her to show me some appreciation.”

This is a common complaint in relationships, “The Unmet Need”.  It can be a destroyer to the relationship.  An unmet need is very spirit breaking to the one in lack.  Arguing, nagging, compromising as well as complaining are ways people try to get needs met.

“My partner only cares about themselves.  My needs are always getting neglected and I’m tired of it.”

Does this sound familiar to you?  You have tried everything to no avail.  You have had thoughts of leaving your partner and starting over with someone new.  All hope is fading away.

I have an approach that you probably have not tried.  It is not necessarily the easiest one but I bet it works a lot better than what you have already attempted.  It may even sound a bit crazy to you at first but if you’ll give this approach a fair chance I think that you’ll be pleased with the final result.

I first became aware of this approach out of my own anguish.  I used to regularly to through spells in which I felt like my wife did not appreciate all of my hard work.  This usually came to a head out of my feelings of fatigue and subsequent irritability.  In actuality, she did appreciate me but when I would be tired, her appreciation could not fill my Grand Canyon sized need.  The consequence typically was me ranting about my unmet need.  I could really get on my soapbox and preach up a storm on how bad I had it and how selfish she was.  I felt awful and acted the same.  My behavior would lead to an argument between us.  Afterwards, we would both feel hurt and alone.

This pattern went on until I realized what the truth was.  The truth was that I was doing an exceptional job.  I knew it and God knew it.  In actuality, my wife knew it as well but for whatever reason, I could not hear her appreciation.  I finally realized that my awareness and acknowledgment of my effort was enough.  Doing an exceptional job is enough within itself.  I did not really need outside appreciation.  I still like to get my wife’s regard but my levels of joy and fulfillment are no longer based on this.  I now know that many of the things that I thought I needed, I really do not need.  Saying that another way, you may think you need it, but you do not.

I told you this was a difficult approach but stay with me.  By learning to give up your need versus fighting for it, you can gain freedom from it.  Many self-help experts may disagree with this but this approach is one that promotes empowerment of who you are.  Most approaches for need fulfillment set the partners up to feel dissatisfied.  When you compromise you can feel a sense of losing a piece of yourself that would not have been lost if your partner was not so stubborn and selfish.  Giving up your right to have your need met liberates you from dissatisfaction.  You think you need it but you do not.  I am asking you to be bigger than your need.  I want you to learn how to live without it.  I know this seems like a lot to ask.  It is quite hard sometimes when I over extend myself for too long I still struggle with it to some degree.  The discipline to deny this need gets easier over time.

This is based on the spiritual concept of “dying to self”.  You are learning to give up or “die” to the need for the sake of someone else.  Fighting for your right to have your need met promotes selfishness.  Having to have things your way will never foster love.  It only builds resentment and aggravation.  Your partner could never meet all of your needs anyway.  It is not fair to expect them to meet all your needs.

I had a major breakthrough as a husband during a bible study on marriage.  The instructor was referencing the book of Ephesians in the New Testament.  In the fifth chapter verse 22, the apostle Paul tells wives to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord.  Most men like the sound of that.

“If only she’d do what I tell her” is a common statement I hear from men. The apostle Paul goes on to tell husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church.  After this verse was referenced, someone in the class mentioned that Christ died for the church.  In an instant, I had a revelation.  I was to put my wife’s needs ahead of my own. I realize that the focus did not need to be on my fulfillment but rather on hers.

Can you imagine the message that this gives your partner when you demonstrate a selfless discipline to prioritize their need?  This drives home the point that they are special to you.

It tells them you are willing to sacrifice in order for their happiness and best interest.  This is truly a sign of greatness.

Giving your partner this message will create a breakthrough in your relationship like you cannot imagine.

If you and your partner do not have children, I suggest that both of you strive to put the needs of your partner ahead of your own.  I say it this way because children change everything.  Men, you must always put the needs of your woman first.

Men often respond by saying, “Well then, she should put my needs first also.”

I know that sounds right but from the countless therapy sessions I have experienced; women are not able to do this, especially if there are children involved.  Mothers will usually put the needs of her children above everything else.

After the children, a mother may put her career or herself next, and then her man may come up fourth on the list.  This may not sound fair but remember, it is not about fairness.  It is about doing the right thing.  Accept the difference in the ranking system.  If you do, your woman will meet your needs tenfold.  Most men make their woman feel guilty for not being able to place them first.  When you are okay with a ranking of fourth on her list, she will go out of her way to make certain you are wonderfully happy.

Challenge me on this one.  You have an opportunity here to set yourself apart from the general population.  I cannot fully explain how splendid it will be when you can distinguish yourself as a great partner.  We live in a world where there are not enough men of honor.  Men have lost the understanding of what it means to be noble.  Do not let this happen to you.  The generations to come need role models of how to love; and how to love boldly.

Be valiant in how you embrace your role as a great partner.

The rewards will be well worth it.

“But aren’t I setting myself up to be a doormat?”

“What if she takes advantage of me?”

Frequently asked questions like this must be asked.  Women have similar questions about the drawbacks to setting their needs aside for their partner.  If you worry about things like this, you apparently doubt your partner’s character.

That may lead to a completely different set of questions.  Perhaps you need to reflect back to a previous concept.  Do you remember the one where you measured the percentage of how great your partner really is?  If the percentage is generally high then stop worrying if your partner will run over you.  Trust in them.  Trust in these concepts and techniques.  Your doubt only impedes your ability to become a great partner.

Humble yourself to the position of becoming a servant to your partner.  This does not mean reduce yourself to a doormat but rather lift yourself up by making sure your partner’s needs are met.  Attending to their needs is an opportunity to show your tremendous love for them.  Some people will not understand but your partner will adore you.  Do not try to please the naysayers.  They usually have lousy relationships.  Their partners cuss them under their breath.

Some men may laughingly question your manliness.  They mistakenly believe that the woman should wait on the man.  They worry too much about what their fellow man thinks of them.  They should be more concerned about the opinion their woman holds of them.  I find that I get more respect from those around me because of my attitude of service to my wife.

Develop an attitude of service to your partner.  Why should I do this you might ask?  You do this for what you become in the process.  Most people miss this hidden benefit.  The experience of being a servant to your partner makes you great.

Your greatness will lift you spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

You become someone that you can be proud of.  You will be known for your kindness and generosity.

Secret #9

Focus On Your Partner’s Positive Qualities

Magnify your partner’s positive qualities and minimize the ones that are less desirable.  What percentage of your partner is great?  I hope that your answers fall into the 75% to 90% range or perhaps even higher.  Most people report that the overwhelming majority of their partner is great.  I describe my wife as the total package.  She has it all.  She is smart, beautiful, hardworking and kind.  How do you describe your partner’s positive qualities?  I encourage you to describe them in a grand style.  Far too often, I hear people depict their partner in a manner that minimizes their positive qualities and magnifies the less pleasing ones.  This is a common trap many couples fall into.  Stay away from this one because you can magnify your partner’s unwanted characteristics to such a proportion that you will not be able to see their great attributes.

She Was Afraid To Tell Him

Rebecca could not tell Matthew how handsome she thought he was.  She worried that if she said it too often he would feel conceited and look for more compliments from other women.

The opposite was true.  When Rebecca built up her husband with compliments about how attracted she was to his body, he turned on the energy, passion and fire, lighting him up with eyes only for her.

Conversely, when Rebecca’s friend, Laura refused to tell her husband Jerry how she felt about him physically, he turned to others to fill that need.

Build up your man; he will come back for more.

Catastrophe will be inevitable if you magnify the negative qualities.  Actually, figure out the percentage of your partner that drives you crazy.  What does it come to?  5%, 10%, 15%?  Most people lose sight of the 85% to 95% of their partner’s positive qualities because they put too much weight on the negative percentage.  No one is scoring a 100%.  But to find a partner who is 85% or above, now that’s a keeper.  Remember, you are not always the easiest person to be around either.

Great partners weigh things out in a realistic fashion.

Losing sight of your partner’s positive qualities is a common destroyer in relationships.  It generally shows up once you have settled down.  Just as you have gotten comfortable with each other, you start getting annoyed with certain mannerisms.  This obstacle is typical but must be overcome.  If you do not stop magnifying your partner’s negative traits, there may be no turning back for your relationship.  So, if you are doing this, cease!  Practice minimizing their negative attributes and learn to cherish the positive ones.

I will never forget the time I ran into a former client of mine at a local fast food restaurant.  He and his wife had come to me for therapy after years of his dominating demeanor.  He defiantly swore he would never change.  I noticed him before he recognized me.  He sat at a booth by himself.  He looked despondent.  He stared off into space as he absently picked at his meal.  He spoke to me so I approached him.

He sadly stated, “I was such a fool.”  You could hear the sorrow in his voice as he told me how his former wife had left him.  It was obvious he would have done things a lot differently if only he had the chance to do it all over again.  Do not let this happen to you.

So, what are you supposed to do about the things you do not like in your partner?  I suggest that you forfeit your right to point out their negative traits.  Instead, strive to change your perception of the negative qualities altogether.  Adopt an attitude of unconditional acceptance.  Be happy that the overwhelming majority of their mannerisms are positive.  By directing your thoughts in this way, you are altering the destiny of your relationship.

“But you don’t know how bad it can be”, responds the angry partner.

Women, what if he is stubborn?  Learn to appreciate his ability to stick with things.  Love him for his determination and perseverance.

Men, what if she is aggravatingly passive?  Learn to admire her ability to stay calm, to think things through, and to be a peaceful stabilizer to the relationship.

Any negative trait can be reframed into a positive quality.  You just have to step back and look at your partner from an angle of love and acceptance.  Often your partner’s negative behaviors can be traced back to the impact of your behavior on them.  It becomes one of those old questions, which came first, the chicken or the egg.

An example is the husband who is a workaholic and the overspending wife.

When did her overspending behavior begin?  Was it before or after his workaholic lifestyle?  Did it begin because he was too busy to notice her?  Was it due to his lack of attention to her needs?  On the other hand, did his workaholic habits develop because of her inconsiderate spending of money that he did not have?

Be very careful about how you label your situation with your partner.  If you grab hold of the negative interpretation, you may be dooming the future of the relationship.  Instead, focus on loving your partner for who they are and for the positive qualities that they bring with them.  With this past example, he needs to focus more on meeting her emotional desires.  She must sacrifice her spending habits to help him get out from under the financial pressures that prevent him from plugging into the relationship.

Secret #10

Use The Power Of Your Hard-Headedness

The biggest undermining factor in relationships is threatening the future of that relationship.  Why would you put the deepest part of yourself into something that may not last?  You wouldn’t.  You need to think about this if you are ever tempted to say to your partner, “I want a divorce” or “Pack your stuff and get out of here”.  It is common for couples to have arguments, doubts, and fears but do not threaten the future of the relationship in the heat of an emotional state.  You always have the option to end a relationship.  If you do choose to leave, let the decision be a clearly thought out, rational decision.

The foundational trust between you and your partner is destroyed when you threaten to end the relationship but you really did not mean it because you were mad now.  The connection between the two of you dissolves.  The scenario typically goes like this.  An argument or disagreement occurs.  Your partner gets upset and says that they want out of the relationship.  They later apologize and say that they did not mean it.  , you remember how serious they sounded at the time. “I think they really meant it,” you tell yourself, so you drop your level of trust to about 70%, just in case they were serious, so you will not be devastated.

Time goes on and your partner realizes that you are only in the relationship at 70% involvement.  Your partner, in turn, decreases their level of trust to about 60%.  Some more time goes by.  You get frustrated by your partner’s mere 60% effort and you are even more aware that the relationship is dying so you now drop your level of trust to 40% involvement.  Your partner’s next move is to drop to 30%.  The next thing you know, your relationship is operating at a 20% level of trust with no chance of love to survive.

Halfhearted attempts cannot revive the initial level of trust and passion.  Halfhearted attempts will inevitably lead to failure.  Do not fall into the degrading approach of “At least I tried”.  This weak response will get you some pity from friends and family but it will not restore the relationship.  The people who apply the “At Least I Tried Approach” may skim through a book on relationships and ask a few people for advice.  When these efforts do not appear fruitful, they quit trying.  This does not sound like a very sincere attempt, does it?

Another halfhearted approach is a “Full Throttle Attempt That Sputters”.  These people will initially appear quite genuine but it will be just a matter of time that you will see they held the wrong motive.  They do not really want to change; they just want to give the illusion that they have changed so you will plug back into the relationship.  These people will skim more books, ask more advice, and may even go to therapy.  Watch out!

Trust your instincts because they are only after what they want.  What is in your best interest is not usually their main interest.

An “Approach of Determination” is the one that gets the best results.  It is not foolproof but it is not halfhearted either.

An “Approach of Determination” focuses on transformation, a transformation of you becoming a great partner.

A stick-to-it-ness that you are willing to do whatever it takes to become an ideal partner for the person you love.  You must refuse to quit no matter how hard it gets and how little response you receive from your partner on the front end.  This transformation can be a very discouraging process in the initial and even middle stages.  That is why you must be willing to do whatever it takes.  If it is hard then do it hard, but stick to it!

Push yourself beyond your comfort zone.  Be willing to go further than you ever have before.  Think of the people who make the halfhearted attempts and how they lose or have empty relationships.  Commit yourself not to fall into these weak traps.

As a therapist, I like working with hardheaded individuals.  I know this sounds crazy and I will admit it is somewhat tough on the front end.  Nevertheless, you know how once a hardheaded person makes their mind up you can hardly tell them anything or change their mind.  This is why I like working with these hardheaded (determined) individuals.  If you can get them to commit to becoming a great partner, they will not sway from the course.  They will stick with the transformation until they get it.  They seek the skills and go through the experiences necessary to build the emotional muscles needed to become a great partner.

Insufficient commitment and effort will never work.  Please note the word, never.  People who are not willing to push beyond their present comfort zone never become great partners.  You may be better than most but this isn’t enough.  Most of us fall into this trap.  You must focus your energy towards becoming a great partner.  Otherwise, you will be double-minded.  By this, I mean you will be split between the goal of becoming a great partner and the illusion of comparing yourself to the misdirected, good enough partners.

Forever is a word that your partner wants to hear from you, that you are totally committed to them, no matter what.  Through the good times and the bad times.  Through the thick and the thin.  Your partner desires to feel as if they are a priority to you.

Knowing that you have done all you can to become a great partner and to please your partner brings peace of mind to your relationship.  I believe that if a relationship does not work out for whatever reason, you need to know that you did your best and gave it your all.  It is hard to live with the truth that you only made a halfhearted attempt.  After a series of failed relationships, you start to realize that the common denominator in these relationships was you.  This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy of thinking that you are doomed from ever having a great relationship.  We are going to elaborate on this in the next chapter.

The time may come when you feel like giving up.  You will think that you will never achieve the ability to fully transform.  You will question whether it is worth all of this effort.  You might not see any result.  It is at this time that you must learn to redirect yourself by saying “giving up is not an option”.  People get lost in the sea of relationship ambivalence without the clarity of focus.  A “Never Give Up Attitude” is required or you and your relationship will get derailed every time you have an argument or go through a hard time.

Decide now that you will not discourage yourself by trying to find a way out during the tough times.  Doubt is the destroyer you must watch out for.

I want you to have big and bold expectations for yourself.  I want you to set high standards for yourself.  On the flip side, I want you to set realistic expectations for your partner.  Do not hold them to the exact high standards that you are setting for yourself.  Be patient with them.  Allow them to make occasional mistakes.  Then allow them some more.  Realize that you are not necessarily a cakewalk to be involved with either.  However, you will be.

Your miracle will come.  Hold tightly to your “Approach of Determination”.

If you have enjoyed this special e-course, then you’ll love Mark Webb’s bestselling book, How To Be A Great Partner.  You can get your autographed copy at www.HowToBeAGreatPartner.com

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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How would you like to increase the odds in your favor that your marriage will be head and shoulders above the rest?  Now a days men and women, especially young people are skeptical about the possibility of having a great marriage.  So many couples seem to be unhappy.  Is there hope that a wonderful marriage can exist?  You can bet on it and here are 10 of the secrets for guaranteeing your success.

(1)    Accept and Embrace Your Partner’s Differences.
A common dilemma for couples is to try and change their partner.  Sure they may have annoying habits or mannerisms but as soon as you start criticizing them or trying to reform their wrongness, your partner will resist you.  They’ll become defensive and then it becomes a battle of wills.  It may take years to determine whose will is the strongest and the marriage may not be able to endure this challenge.  From my years of experience, the fastest way to change them is to accept and embrace their differences and they’ll give them up much faster.

(2)    Staying Connected Is More Important Than Being Right.
Memorize this statement:  “You Can’t Be Right and Be Married!”

You need to decide, which it is going to be.  The sooner you decide to be married, the happier the marriage will be.

(3)    You Get Out Of It What You Put Into It.
If you want the best that marriage can offer, then you need to put your best into it.  The amount of energy you give your marriage will determine the degree of passion and the length of the honeymoon.

(4)    Regularly Get Away From Your Daily Routine.
This doesn’t have to be a vacation.  It can equate to an afternoon in the park.  If one of you normally does the grocery shopping, then go together.  Look for simple ways to mix up the routine so the relationship doesn’t become dull.  Keep your partner on their toes, but in a positive way.

(5)    Convey Your Partner’s Importance To Them.
If you get this point right, you will score in a big way.  Hardly anyone gets this one right.  Make sure that your partner knows with absolute certainty that:
(a)    They Are Enough For You.  Let your partner know that you only have eyes for them.
(b)    That You Are Always There For Them.  It’s easy to be there for your partner when they are happy but a great spouse will be there even when their partner is moody or worse.

(6)    Fight Fairly.
Treat your spouse with respect even if you are angry or upset.  Strive to exemplify honor towards your mate even if they are not doing that in return.  Set an example.  Don’t use language you wouldn’t want your partner to hear.  Don’t pull up too many past grievances.  Don’t say things you cannot take back.  Don’t let your emotions get the best of you.

(7)    Make The Marriage The Priority.
Work is important and so are your children but be careful how you set your priorities.  Marriage cannot always be the priority but it should find itself at the top of the list most of the time.

(8)    Savor Every Day.
Don’t take your spouse for granted.  Tomorrow is not promised to anyone so always make the most of every moment with your spouse.  How would you treat your spouse today if you knew they were going to die at midnight?  I bet your day would be a lot different.  How would you look at them?  How would you hold them?  What would you say?  I wonder how your marriage will be if you exercise this discipline for the next 2 to 4 weeks.

(9)    Talk About Your Future Together.
Spend time sharing your goals and dreams for you as a couple.  This gives reassurance and hope to the marriage which in turn helps strengthen the sense of commitment.  Talk about places you would like to visit and things you would like to do together.

(10)    Believe In The “Fairy Tale” Aspects Of Love.
Life can be hard but do not let it make you hard.  Hold on to the belief of happy endings.  Believe in princes and princesses and the innocence of love.  Once you stop believing, you become jaded.  Once this happens, the magic of love will eventually die.  This may sound childish or illogical but this believing will keep your marriage forever young.

Having a great marriage is possible and your efforts will bring you many wonderful rewards.  You just have to make the decision to have a great marriage and then strive to be consistent with your efforts.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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It is a universal principle that adversity in life carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.  This principle is as certain as the law of gravity.  Most people are unaware of this fact and during the difficult times they only experience a sense of hopelessness and helplessness.  Everyone has known discouragement and fear but there is hope in knowing that there is a positive solution to every challenge you will ever face in life.

Remember back to those times in which you had problems and you were able to turn them around into advantages.  Every one of us has had such experiences.  When I first learned about the principle to look at problems as opportunities, I thought it was the craziest thing I had ever heard.  Fortunately, I had already learned that just because I disagreed with something, it does not mean that it is wrong.  So after chewing on this concept for a while I realized that all problems have a gift.  All problems are an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to better ourselves.

I find a lot of comfort from reading the stories in the Bible.  Each of these men and women experienced self doubt and discouragement.  The patients that I work with often exemplify the ability to turn obstacles into opportunities.  Those who gave this principle a worthy effort found the answers they needed to turn their lives around.  It is important that you keep your mind on the things that you want and off of the things that you do not want.

I once had a Sunday school teacher who used to say “Inside each of us we have two dogs running around, a negative dog and a positive dog.”  He would then ask, “If these two dogs were to get into a fight, which one would win?”  His answer was “The one you feed the most.”  Which one of your dogs are you feeding the most?  You and only you decide where you place your energy.  You must give yourself a focal point.  If you get off track, you must redirect yourself towards feeding your positive dog.

Stop wasting your time trying to blame someone else for your troubles.  This will only cause you to become stuck and frustrated.  I want to encourage you to stop using the word “problems”.  Instead, replace it with the words “challenges” or “opportunities”.  When you are in the middle of problems and you focus your attention on your problems, what do you get?  More problems.  Whatever you put your energy into, it grows, just like a plant will grow when the sun shines its energy onto it.

Life is constantly handling out cards.  Some of them you want, some of them you do not want, and a lot of them you never expected.  We are all dealt cards like these.  You do not always have a choice about which cards you are dealt but you always have a choice in how you play your cards.  A philosophy that is quite helpful is the mind set of: “It’s not what happens to me, it’s what I do about it.”  Your fears will shackle you down and create a feeling of being trapped and helpless.  Remember that you were meant to soar.

God has given you the ability you need to face and resolve the challenges of life.  He has supplied you with a mechanism within your brain called your reticular activating system.  The mechanism that helps you tune into the things which will then fill your mind.  Here is an example that has happened to most of us — Think back to the last time you purchased a car.  Before you bought the car you had not noticed many of them, but after you drove it off the lot you started noticing them all over the place.  This is because you had made the car a part of your life and as a result your brain started tuning into similar information.

How this mechanism applies to you and your problem solving strategies is simple.  If you believe that “Life stinks and then you die,” you will be led towards people, experiences, newspaper articles, etc. that validate this belief.  On the other hand, if you hold positive expectations for your life, you will be led towards people, experiences, books, etc. that will validate this belief.  It is all a matter of focus.  You create your own destiny.  Apply some faith to this universal certainty.  Pray for divine guidance.  With each victory from your use of this concept you will grow stronger and your path in life will bring a clarity of purpose.

Another point which enhances this solution oriented view of life is definiteness of purpose.  A tremendous amount of clarity comes from answer the question, “What do I want out of life?”  Knowing what you want places you in the right direction.  Vague answers will bring only vague results.  Be absolutely specific.  You will become more alert to opportunities around you.  You will have increased recognition of available resources.  Don’t be afraid to set big goals for yourself.  Remember that “It’s not what you have that counts, it’s what you do with what you have.”  Be willing to take life on.  Don’t be afraid to take positive risks.  You were born with all of the necessary abilities to succeed in life.  You are big enough to meet the challenges.  You are a masterpiece.  You are one of a kind.  Just because others may have tried and failed, it does not mean that you will fail.  Your uniqueness is often the key that makes the difference where others have failed before.  Do your best in all that you do.  Go the extra mile by being one of the few who looks at their problems as opportunities.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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As a therapist, I regularly counsel with men and women who are suffering with a broken heart.  They tearfully plead their sincerity.  Unfortunately, their fear often takes the lead of their focus and they switch to merely trying to figure out the formula or combination to get their partners to take them back again.  They would rather get their own way versus doing the right thing.  Be mature.  Be consistent.  Follow this advice.

• Don’t Rally the Troops.  This means don’t go around and talk with all of your partner’s friends, family, co-workers and worst of all, your religious leader.  Men are especially prone to do this.  This is a form of emotional manipulation based on guilt and shame and tends to only push your partner further away.
• Don’t Fish For Reassurance.  This no-no is a search for a ray of hope from the words “I love you too”.  Don’t bait your partner with the proclamation “I love you”.  This forces them to respond with “I love you too” which they don’t want to say.  They may not give any response, which really hurts.
• Don’t Repeatedly Ask Your Partner To Come Back To You.  Each time you ask you are usually setting your chances back for another week.
• Don’t Call.  Don’t Drive By.  Don’t Show Up At Their Work.  Exercise a lot of restraint.  This is very hard but it is crucial.
• Don’t Try To Figure This Out By Yourself.  Get a therapist or an equivalent to help you process your feelings and to develop the best approach.  Telling everyone the business of your relationship will only undermine your goal and most likely make you look stupid.
• Don’t Try To Be A Detective.  Snooping around is a violation of their personal space.  Don’t go through their dressers, their e-mail, or their car. Just because they aren’t feeling close to you doesn’t mean that there is someone else.
• Don’t Send Your Best Friend As Your Ambassador.  This approach works better than you going but you have to consider that you are only trying to gain leverage versus respecting their need for space and time.
• Don’t Try To Make Them Jealous.  If you do this you are playing games and not seriously making an effort to hear the needs of your partner.  You’re also playing with other people’s emotions.
• Don’t’ Talk Bad About Your Partner.  Saying negative things about your partner or trying to get people to side with you by telling your partner’s faults or private matters is unforgivable.
• Don’t Display Temper Tantrums.  A lot of people use aggression to get their way but this reinforces your partner’s notion of why they left in the first place.
• Don’t Use Children As Pawns.  Children are effective tools to play with your partner’s heart.  However, this does damage to the children and your partner will grow to hate you.  Stop trying to get your way and begin doing the right thing.
• Don’t Be Inconsistent.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com

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