I Challenge You to raise the Bar on Yourself! – Decide to be a Great Partner in your relationship, become so amazing that you inspire your partner and others!
Inspirational Relationship Advice from The Relationship Specialist, author Mark Webb, M.S., L.M.F.T.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

… Or for more information on his Best Selling Book “How To Be A Great Partner” visit http://www.howtobeagreatpartner.com/

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2011 Relationship Advice – Part #7 – Focus on Whats Great About Your Partner (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. give his famed Relationship guidance in this 12 part series. This is the 7th part of the series entitled “Be Singularly Focused On Your Relationship”, please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™. Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies” Ezine ($100 Value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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2011 Relationship Advice – Part #6 – Focus on Whats Great About Your Partner (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. give his famed Relationship guidance in this 12 part series. This is the 6th part of the series entitled “Focus on Whats Great About Your Partner”, please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™. Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies” Ezine ($100 Value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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Have you built walls around your heart in order to protect yourself?  It is rare that I will meet an adult who has not done so.  Most adults have a list of names of people who have hurt them.  Eventually they become some sort of island fortress.  They strive to not allow themselves to feel anything too strong for another person.  Perhaps the person you are involved with now is the one who pushed you to put the final brick in the wall.  If you have learned to shut your partner out of your heart, I want to challenge you to make another attempt at reconnecting with them.  Do not allow yourself to become lifeless.  It is a slow and painful death if you do.

Maybe the relationship got off track because you viewed it as serious business.  Too many people try so hard to prevent the mistakes their parents made that they regard a relationship as a task.  A relationship does not need to be seen as a task.  Instead, it should be viewed as something to be enjoyed.  You can kill the love between you rather quickly if you stop the enjoyment of your partner’s company.  I appreciate the notion that you do not want to repeat the dysfunctional aspects that your parents had in their relationship.  Perhaps your serious approach towards relationships is based on past failures of your own.  Whatever your reason, decide to enjoy your relationship.

Either of these guarded approaches can lead to falling out of love.  Unfortunately, the whole “falling out of love” thing is very common.  If this has happened to you, let me show you a way to reverse this process.

You will probably question, “What’s the use?”

It will seem that the relationship is over.  Do not fall for this lie.  Penetrate past the pain and the fears you may be feeling.

Decide now to do whatever it takes to make your partner happy.  Demand your best efforts from yourself.  The common response is to vacillate between a fair amount of effort and rare episodes of attention.  Instruct yourself to go the extra mile and then some.  Rigorous effort will deliver the ideal results.

“But I don’t know what to do!” you exclaim.

Yes, you do.  Reflect back to the things you used to do that made your partner happy.  What did you do?  I bet your were quite charming.  Your partner was probably enchanted by your wit and thoughtfulness.  Most, likely, you paid more attention to your appearance.  Pursue your partner with the same amount of enthusiasm and passion.

Many years ago, my wife approached me with some photographs taken when we began dating.  I immediately smiled.  You could easily see the passion between us.  We looked like two lions about to devour each other.

Soon the smile faded as I compared the photographs in my hands with those on the mantel.  Even though we appeared happy in the more recent pictures, they did not have the same degree of passion.  I felt sad as I realized how the years had whittled away the romantic intensity.

Lucky for me that I focus more on solutions than I do on obstacles.  I started thinking of how to restore the level of passion.  I knew I couldn’t make her look at me the same way as the earlier photographs but I knew I could make myself look at her the same way.  I spent some time recalling how I used to treat her.  I was charming, funny, encouraging.  I carried myself differently.  I held her more firmly.  I gladly went out of my way for her.  I decided to recapture this side of myself for the sake of my love for her.

Many times, I will run with an experiment like this without telling my wife what I am trying to do.  This time I told her.  She liked the idea and we both were able to recapture the passion.  In fact, we not only rekindled the chemistry between us, we took it to a magnificent dimension.

Discouragement by the lack of immediate results can derail even the most motivated of men and women.  Do not give up at signs of trouble.  You cannot expect instant reconnection.  This is a matter of consistency and patience.

You must be patient and consistent.  No room exists for negative behavior.  You have to show your partner a better offer.  Believe me; they do not want the same old stuff that closed them down in the first place.

Operate from the premise that “It is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one, than to have an opportunity and not be prepared.”

Turning a relationship towards greatness will require sacrifice.

If you are not willing to go beyond the extra mile then you really are not serious.  Your partner will see the lack of effort as well.  It cannot be hidden.  Talk is just talk unless it is backed up with action.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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2011 Relationship Advice – Part #5 – 80% to 100% Relationship Effort (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. give his famed Relationship guidance in this 12 part series. This Fifth part is entitled 80% to 100% Relationship Effort (do you put the effort needed into your relationship?), please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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2011 Relationship Advice – Part #4 – The 80/20 Rule (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. give his famed Relationship guidance in this 12 part series. This fourth part is entitled The 80/20 Rule, please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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2011 Relationship Advice – Part #3 – Mark Webb’s Therapy Approach (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. give his famed Relationship guidance in this 12 part series. This third part is entitled Mark Webb’s Therapy Approach, Mark discusses how his therapeutically approach differs from others, and why he believes it helps to excel his relationship clients.  Please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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2011 Relationship Advice – Part #2 – Battle Weary Couples (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. give his famed Relationship guidance in this 12 part series. This second part is entitled Battle Weary Couple, please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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2011 Relationship Advice – Part #1 – Back to the Baseline (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. gives his Relationship guidance in this 12 part series.  This first part is entitled Back to the Baseline, please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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There’s something about family get-togethers that can turn even the most confident senior executives into quiet underachievers, and seemingly “rational” individuals into petty bickerers. If you’re stressing out about meeting with family over the holidays, sure that your excited anticipation will turn into disappointed reality, there are some ways you can prevent such disappointment from happening.

The key is to discover the negative behavior patterns you’re repeating, and learn to create “new, productive familiars,” “Holiday hell can be avoided if we just stop repeating the familiar,”

The senior executive who oversees a staff of 100 in a Fortune 500 company and assumes an underachiever role in the presence of her family may not have received parental recognition of her leadership ability as a child, being overshadowed by the athletic prowess of her siblings. As a result, she now unconsciously assumes that same inferior role when in the company of her family, Shechtman explained.

Or, a normally rational person, known by friends and co-workers for his calm demeanor, even temperament and ability to put things in their proper perspective may find himself bickering over petty issues at the dinner table, determined to win his point, because he received minimal positive reinforcement from his parents as a youth and is still trying to win their approval.

“We all have a tendency to repeat the familiar,” Shechtman said. “We must learn how to recognize the familiar — attitudes from our childhoods that cause us to act in predictable and often destructive ways, and create new familiars that foster personal growth and positive relationships.”

“Families who get together just one or two days a year around the holidays and try to make up forthe other 364 days are likely to experience relationship stress,” “The drama of a lifetime of conflicts is often played out over the course of a three-hour meal and a holiday visit.”

Garrison suggests calling a truce in advance of holiday get-togethers. To foster a happier holiday season, he offered the following tips:

Become a good time manager; to avoid stress, allow extra time for all activities.

Schedule daily time alone.

Practice moderation in eating and drinking.

Suppress the need to instruct or criticize; listen more, talk less.

Have realistic expectations and learn to “go with the flow.”

Make a budget and stick to it.

Shop early at off-peak times; consider shopping by mail.

Many of us embark upon the the eternal quest to make sure all of our siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and in-laws get along during the holidays. While hope for a peaceful family get-together always springs eternal, it sadly isn’t always a realistic goal. Whether or not a circle of friends or an extended family can actually get along during the holidays should not be seen as a measuring stick for your own good intentions. There are a number of things you can do to help your loved ones get along during the holidays, but the remainder of the year is up to them.

One important point is to keep your holiday expectations realistic and flexible. While it would be nice to have the entire extended family under one roof for the holidays, you must accept the fact that it may not happen. If you can accept a less idealized plan for the upcoming holidays, then your positivity may rub off on the family members in attendance. When people can pick up on each other’s positive attitudes, they often get along during the holidays much better. It may be better to have a smaller group comprised of people who interact well together than a larger group of people who don’t.

If your goal is to see contentious relatives get along during the holidays, then you may have to play the role of negotiator or mediator. You may have to speak with each relative separately and try to get at the root cause of their conflict. Even an armed truce or an agreement to disagree may be enough to help sparring relatives get along during the holidays. If you can manage to get the two parties to speak face-to-face before the holiday reunion, it may clear the air even more. No one enjoys feeling ambushed during a holiday get-together.

You must understand that the holiday season can be a mixed bag of emotions for everyone. Some family members or friends may prefer to remain alone during the holidays for their own personal reasons. If you really want people to get along during the holidays, it pays to respect their wishes and not pressure them into uncomfortable social situations. If a family member is not able to attend a family event in person, other family members can still arrange for a family conference call, a live web chat, or a videotape of the event. It may be better to allow individuals to make their own decisions about holiday participation.

If you have a houseful of relatives and you fear the worst, avoid the dreaded downtime. Family members may already be stressed out from their own holiday rituals, so it pays to keep things light and friendly during family get-togethers. Conflicts often arise out of collective boredom, so in order to help everyone get along during the holidays, plan a series of group activities. After an early meal, the entire family could go to a movie or other local attraction. Some may want to volunteer a few hours at a charity food service or go on a shopping trip. At night, everyone could look at neighborhood Christmas lights and displays. The trick is to keep moving and keep talking.

Even if you are not planning an extended family event, it is still important that your immediate family get along during the holidays. Keep in mind that children may be working off sleep debts, so allow them time to rest and relax. Hold off on family trips or all-day entertainment until everyone in the family has had time to adjust to a vacation mindset. You may think of it as a trip to Grandma’s house, but your spouse or children may see it as 12 hours trapped in a car unless they get enough rest beforehand.

Above all else, if you want to have your friends, co-workers and family get along during the holidays, be sure to lead by example. Once people see you avoid petty conflicts at work or show honest affection towards your family, they are more likely to follow your lead.

The holidays are right around the corner, is your teen going to act like the perfect Christmas Angel? Of course not!

All special occasions, ie. holidays, family get togethers, and even family vacations, are the most opportune times for you teen to be at his worst. The reason for this has to do with your teens basic need to define himself. He is going to use these opportunities to define the family structure around him, therefore defining where he ‘fits’. He will do this by stirring up as much conflict as possible.

As the whirlwinds that your teen has started die down, he will pick up on his ‘piece’ in the ‘family puzzle’. It will greatly effect his Self-Esteem. So you want to do your best to resolve the conflicts as they rise, rather than have them fester. Here are a few good tips on how to resolve conflict:

• Use your active listening skills.
• Action plans on curfews and family guidelines help prevent many conflicts.
• Know the differences between natural and logical consequences and use them.
• Avoid power struggles by taking a time out when you feel the need.
• Expect non-compliance. Testing the limits is normal behavior for a teenager. When you get what you are expecting it causes less frustration

Ten years ago, on the day before Christmas, Ms. J’s brother was killed in a car crash. Do we take it as a given that every Christmas Ms. J needs to enter a period of mourning? November, December, and January—one-fourth of the year—are all months usually associated with “the holidays.” Statistically, one would expect one-fourth of life’s tragedies to occur during that time, forever linking the season with a potential for anniversary reactions.

Mr. G grew up in a family in which the father’s everyday alcoholic excesses, such as family fights and alcoholic outbursts, became accentuated during the holidays. These events appear to account for a seasonal increase in the incidence of Mr. G’s panic attacks during the holidays. Need this be repeated in his emotional experience year after year?

Ms. A always goes home for the holidays. She is 40 years old, is a successful lawyer, and has been married for ten years. She and her husband have chosen not to have children. Each Christmas they spend the holidays with their respective parents. Ms. A flies across the country to her hometown, excited about the prospect and bringing many gifts for her parents and her married sister’s family. Each year she returns in a state of despair. Her parents, as usual, have been absorbed and delighted by the antics of their grandchildren and uninterested in Ms. A’s career successes. Her sister, jealous of Ms. A’s independence and success, has made obliquely negative comments about the gifts she chose for the children.

A video replay of her childhood would reveal the same dynamics in progress. Ms. A’s parents were more interested in her sister, and her sister was quietly jealous of her achievements. Ms. A, in a supplicant mode, has tried with smiles, compliance, and gifts to make it all different. She has freed herself physically from the family situation by moving across the country, but during the holidays she returns. The old fantasies and wishes also return, and she regressively slides into the role of the hurt, ignored little girl she had left behind. Her parents and her sister may never be different, but in psychotherapy Ms. A can become aware of her wishes, fantasies, and conflicts about the past and be free to choose another path.

Mr. S’s reminiscences were filled with memories of eager anticipation, excitement about possible gifts, and a happy gathering of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. However, intermixed with these anticipations was a sense of foreboding. This foreboding was founded on the past unpredictability of his father, an alcoholic, which had always darkened the holiday scene. Sometimes the day would pass uneventfully. At other times his father’s violent outbursts would result in loved ones’ making a hurried departure to save the family embarrassment. The result was unexpressed tension as family members held their breath, feeling helpless to avoid an unpredictable disaster. What Mr. S came to understand in psychotherapy was that in his current life he need not continue to be held hostage to these automatic anxieties. As an adult he need not recreate the scenes of his childhood. If problems arose, he could choose to confront them. There need be no hiding of problems, no scurrying away to avoid the facts, no passive resignation or fear of his own suppressed rage. This was the manner in which his parents and family had dealt with the matter when he was a child, but Mr. S need not recreate this scenario in his adult life.

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Those who devote their expertise to working with patients who have lost loved ones recognize that the holiday season is a time of special vulnerability. At a time when the whole family normally gathers together, the absence, the empty place at the table, and the rearrangement of the seating pattern call explicit attention to the loss. The first holiday after the death of a spouse, a parent, or a child is a painful crisis, often accompanied by a degree of stunned disbelief. This was probably the case for many who lost family members in the tragic events of September 11. The second holiday season often carries a different set of emotional experiences. The stunned disbelief has faded, and reality has set in: the absence at the family table was not temporary but a permanent condition, requiring new reflections and reconfiguration of each person’s sense of “the family.”

A number of dynamics and interlocking forces contribute to the frequent occurrence of what some call the holiday blues. The holiday season reawakens the dreams, hopes, and longings of childhood as well as memories of early deprivations and affects that may have been repressed but that now reappear with renewed intensity. For many, like Ms. A, there is the fantasy that family conflicts will be put aside and holiday cheer will prevail. Even with the experience of past events to the contrary, there often persists the expectation that this year will be different. But unresolved issues of jealousy, sibling rivalry, envy, and an intensification of childhood wishes are often rekindled rather than dissolved by exhaustion, alcohol, exaggerated hopes, and the unfamiliar intensity of contact with family members.

1

Step One

Try to divide visiting time equally between your family and your spouse’s; if distance makes that impossible, alternate homes from year to year.

2

Step Two

Ease tensions arising from divorce, amicable or otherwise, by vowing to put the kids first, no matter what.

3

Step Three

Find out well in advance of the holidays when grandparents and other relatives want to see the kids, and schedule activities accordingly; you’ll avoid last-minute conflicts and hurt feelings.

4

Step Four

View ethnic or religious traditions of new family members as a way to make your celebrations richer and more meaningful, not as threats to your own beliefs. Create your own blend of favorite rituals.

5

Step Five

Invite a friend or two to family functions. Behavior almost always improves in the presence of outsiders.

6

Step Six

Hold gatherings in neutral territory. In a restaurant, a resort or a rented beach house, resentments over wealth, social standing, politics or religion will take a back seat to new surroundings.

7

Step Seven

Recognize that you can’t control anyone’s behavior but your own, and try to observe the actions of others without judging them.

8

Step Eight

Cultivate your sense of humor. Almost anything, even other people’s annoying habits, can be amusing if you don’t take them too seriously.

9

Step Nine

Get plenty of rest during the holiday period. Tiredness and fatigue can be a sure route to bickering and ill temper, in adults as well as kids.

10

Step Ten

Opt out of the extended-family gathering if the tension is too great to bear. Instead, spend the holidays at home with your immediate family or friends, or take a holiday trip.

Tips & Warnings

• If you’ll be traveling during the holidays, with or without family, make all arrangements far ahead of time. Prime spots such as ski resorts and warm-weather playgrounds can fill up as much as a year in advance.
• The same applies to local venues such as restaurants and clubs. The earlier you can book your family gathering space, the better chance you’ll have to get your first choice.

Surviving the Holidays
Dr. Jennifer Bruning Brown’s 10 Tips for a Joyful and Stress-Free Holiday Season

San Francisco — December 2, 2004 – Contrary to popular belief, for many, the holiday season is not a joyous, harmonious time. Instead, it is often a time of family conflicts, stress and loneliness. Many find it difficult keeping up with unrealistic demands and expectations of family, friends and social events at the holidays-in addition to their already demanding jobs and family responsibilities. Others become tense or anxious around family or they’re lonely and feel isolated from loved ones. This can all be a recipe for holiday stress, but with advance thought and preparation, you can make the holiday season a more positive experience for yourself and those around you.

Dr. Jennifer Bruning Brown, research psychologist for Tickle Inc., offers the following 10 tips to help you have a stress-free holiday. Dr. Brown, who received a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Stanford University, has extensive clinical training including the assessment and treatment of depression, eating disorders and relationship issues.

1.       Take time for yourself and your relationships. Although spending time with friends and family is essential, it’s also important to set aside time for yourself or with your significant other. Family and social demands during the holidays can make it easy to neglect your personal and relationship needs. Plan some time away from family, on your own or with a partner to do things you enjoy. If you’re single, make sure you don’t spend the entire holiday season with coupled family and friends.

2.       Focus on what’s really important. Decide which aspects of the holidays are most important to you. In other words, if it isn’t something you like, why are you still doing it? Focus on accomplishing what’s most important and let everything else go.

3.       Don’t aim for perfection. Year after year we’re bombarded with images of the idyllic holiday scene – family, friends, and festivities surrounded in a spirit of peace and goodwill for all. There’s no such thing as the perfect party, the perfect meal or the perfect way to spend the holidays. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment by placing unrealistic demands on yourself.

4.       Leave your baggage at the door. Often people feel they must resolve the unfinished family business over the holiday they haven’t been able to resolve in the previous year. With the added stress of the holidays, it’s not a good time to try to repair all of these relationships. Declare some kind of truce and focus on having a good time.

5.       Don’t try to diet. But don’t go crazy overeating or drinking. Know the holidays are stressful, the best thing for you is to do everything in moderation. The more you go to either extreme, the more stress you’ll feel. Establish a plan for your eating and drinking, and do your best to stick to it.

6.       Get rid of the guilt. Stop taking responsibility for everyone else’s happiness and decide to leave any feelings of guilt behind. It’s OK to cut back, ask for help, or simply change the way events or family traditions happen and still have a great time during the holidays.

7.       Plan ahead. Think about what usually causes you stress during the holidays and make some changes. Be proactive rather than reactive and take charge over the things you can control.

8.       Have a game plan. If specific family members get on your nerves, come up with a strategy to deal with the situation when it occurs.

• Try and find some humor in the situation–laughter often helps
• Try to take a step back and observe yourself and others behaviors from an outside perspective
• Practice good communication: express your feelings as clearly as possible without blaming

9.       Expect the unexpected. Be aware that unplanned events always occur, both good and bad. So prepare yourself and know that you may need to be flexible.

10.      Be grateful. Think about all the blessings you have in your life. Focusing on what you don’t have only encourages negative thoughts. Write down even the most seemingly insignificant things you’re grateful for and read the list every time you start to feel stressed or down.

Home For The Holidays? Tips For Preserving The Ties That Bind

Filed under Research on Monday, December 13, 2004.

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Family conflicts can be exacerbated under the stress of the holiday season, particularly on the heels of a divisive presidential election, but a University of Florida expert offers suggestions for setting aside differences and letting love rule during the holidays.

“Getting through family events requires a lot of flexibility and the ability to remember that, although you didn’t pick your family, they didn’t pick you either,” said UF psychologist Garret Evans. “In many families, even though they might argue over politics or lifestyles, when push comes to shove, they quickly rally to each other.”

According to a 2003 Gallup survey, 76 percent of American adults reported losing sleep between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve Day. A third of those cited family issues as the leading stressor contributing to their sleep loss.

All the stresses of the season, including preparing for travel, financing gifts and decorating the house, can make family get-togethers seem that much harder to deal with, said Evans, an associate professor in the clinical and health psychology department in the College of Public Health and Health Professions, and the family, youth and community sciences department in the Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences. Anxiety associated with balancing travel preparations, gift wrapping, and work and home responsibilities may be the real reason you’re loathing the family weekend, not the visit itself.

Dinner table clashes over politics, religion and other issues can arise when children grow up, experience life on their own and come to their own conclusions about the world, Evans said.

“It’s tough for parents to see their adult kids adopt their own values and beliefs,” he said. “Parents care about how their kids view them and they want to be seen as the end all, be all in their children’s eyes.”

Acknowledging that there are still a lot of raw nerves after the election, Evans recommends the topic be avoided altogether when differing views exist. Turning off the TV during the evening news helps to keep the subject from coming up and striking an agreement between family members to keep certain topics off limits works, too.

“I know families that have declared a public truce to not speak about politics,” Evans said.

Another sticky issue can be religion, especially since the holidays are very religious celebrations for many Americans, Evans said.

“I encourage flexibility. You haven’t been to church in three years and your mother wants you to go? Why not give it a shot? You love her, it will make her happy, the music is pretty good and you will have a chance to break out that old turtleneck sweater Aunt Heloise gave you four years ago,” he said.

To give everyone space during extended visits, Evans suggests scheduling an activity or two outside of the house for just you and your spouse or kids.

Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University sociologist, said he agrees that family stress is heightened at the holidays.

“This may be the only time of year that we are thrown together with our parents and siblings,” Pillemer said. “It’s helpful for everyone to acknowledge that being together again can re-activate family conflicts. Feelings of ambivalence are often common, as family members feel both strong feelings of attachment but also irritation as the time together continues.”

But some advance planning and mental preparation can cut down on conflicts.

“Above all, remind yourself of your common bonds with your family — the memories of bath time with your brother or sister or your child’s first word or baseball game,” Evans said. “We lose touch with these memories over time and distance. People often say that the most fun they have with their family is reminiscing and remembering the silly things. Most family members share more similarities than differences.”

Cut a Little Slack To Keep Family Joy

Make sure everyone knows what is going on; where, when, and with whom.”

“Expect less,” he adds. There are ways to reduce the stress and make the holidays more enjoyable for everyone. “The holidays cannot be perfect. Families are made up of people with many different personalities and many different expectations for the holidays. There are bound to be some conflicts.” Try to make plans flexible. “If everyone plans to go out to dinner, some may prefer a pizza or a hamburger rather than a formal meal at the best restaurant in town. Try to find a way to accommodate those differences,” Sporakowski suggests. “Everyone will be happier and more relaxed when they get back together again.”

“Newly marrieds or new parents often find themselves caught between the expectations of two sets of in-laws with two sets of holiday traditions,” Sporakowski notes. His advice is “Let them know you want to spend time with both, but you cannot eat “the big holiday dinner” twice within an hour-and-a-half. Suggest alternatives that will let everyone enjoy this new family, and, perhaps, start a new and creative holiday tradition.”

Some people may experience the opposite problem for the holidays: they are alone. “Ask someone to share your holiday,” Sporakowski says. “We did that at Thanksgiving, and it was great. There were five retired people in our neighborhood who could not visit their families. We asked them to dinner and ended up sharing a wonderful day.”

Those who may find the holidays the most difficult are those who have had a big personal loss during the year. “If you find yourself unable to cope, seek professional help. Two or three short visits to a counselor, therapist, or a member of the clergy can be very beneficial,” he says.

If the biggest stress of the holidays comes with the credit card bills, there are things that can be done. Sporakowski suggests that you admit that you owe more than you intended.

Plan your budget to get the extra bills paid off, contacting your creditors if you think you might miss a payment. However, do not take so much time to pay back the credit bills that you cannot enjoy the holidays next year. And try to start your planning early for next year.

“Most of all, try to be understanding. I think the phrase is ‘cut everyone a little slack,’” he says. “We all have our own quirks. Ignore some minor irritations from others and hope they will do the same with yours. A smile and a laugh may be the best stress relievers of all, and they are wonderful holiday gifts.”

The Holidays 2001:
Coping in this Year of Change & Uncertainty
Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS, FAAETS

Holidays in 2001
In the aftermath of the September 11 tragedy, we are a country and a world forever changed. For many the initial intense feelings of fear of other attacks and vulnerability to terrorism have abated in the months since. However, fears were again triggered by concerns about anthrax and calls for increased security to be alert for potential terrorist acts over the holiday season. Because of these events many people are still concerned about air travel security and are afraid to travel by planes. Some are afraid to use other modes of transportation, therefore many may be spending the holidays apart from their loved ones. We are also now a nation at war. For the first time in a long time those in the armed services are overseas supporting Operation Enduring Freedom during the holiday season. Military families will be separated from their loved ones and dealing with the uncertainty that having someone in the armed services during war-time brings.  In addition, many have been impacted by the slowing economy, the rising unemployment and multitude of layoffs, making this season one of financial hardship. Those isolated or estranged from friends and family can find this a season that intensifies the loneliness. Understandably, the 2001 holiday season will be very different; it is a season filled with uncertainty in a year of change.

For those who lost family, friends or colleagues in the September 11 event or those who have lost someone this year, facing the first holiday without that loved one can be very painful. Many people not directly affected by the tragedy e.g. losing a loved one, are dealing with different losses in the aftermath of September 11—loss of innocence, loss of life-style, loss of safety and security with the accompanying feelings of fear and increased vulnerability. The loss of innocence, the belief that people are fundamentally good, is perhaps one of the main reasons that this event has impacted so many people. Many of us are still struggling to make some sense of these changes that have occurred in our once peaceful world. Some may not feel like celebrating the holidays. Others will want to continue with their plans for the season viewing this as a time to connect with others and celebrate the lives of those lost. Different responses to change and to grief are normal and should be respected.

Holiday Blues
The holiday season is often viewed as a time of joy, happiness, peace on earth, good will, celebrating with family and friends, and hope for the future. However many may view this as a difficult time, a time of sadness and loneliness, a time of self evaluation and reflecting on past accomplishments and failures; it can be a time of anxiety about what the future year may bring. During this time of year there is a high potential for psychological, physical and financial stress. The holidays leave millions of people feeling blue, not merry even precipitate the Holiday Blues. Holiday blues can affect men and women of all ages with intense and unsettling feelings ranging from mild sadness to severe clinical depression.

This time of year can be especially difficult for those who have lost a loved one and are facing the first or the umpteenth season without them. The joyful public celebrations and media portrayal of the “perfect” holiday can be painful reminders of what the grieving person is missing. The over commercialization of the Holidays makes one think they are synonymous with “buying” and “spending” and no longer about “caring” and “sharing.” The spirit of the season seems to have been lost in a corporate take-over, or fired in a managerial lay-off.

For those who have experienced a significant loss or change, it is normal to feel subdued, reflective and even “blue.” Merriment is viewed as an emotion for others. Memories of holiday season’s past may surface, or thoughts of the season that will never be; these thoughts can trigger an episode of the blues. Those isolated or estranged from friends and family can find this is a time that reminds them they are alone. Holidays exaggerate feelings of sadness and loneliness; this is normal.

Many different factors can cause the holiday blues and contribute to the tension, stress, loneliness or sadness experienced during the holidays:

• Increased demands of shopping, parties, family reunions, and house guests causing many to feel overwhelmed by holiday tasks and obligations with increased stress and fatigue.
• Unrealistic or idealistic expectations – trying to have the “perfect holiday.”
• Financial problems limiting what can be spent on the holidays.
• Over commercialization – media images and messages of “the perfect party, family, or home,” the need to “find that special gift,” the portrayal of the season as a “time to spend with those you love.”
• Unable to be with one’s family or loved ones – being separated by circumstance, distance, or death.
• Recent loss or unresolved grief – filling the holidays with memories of better times or those who have died and are no longer present for the holidays.
• Family conflicts – during the holidays emotions can run high and result in misunderstandings or conflicts. This is not the time to solve past problems or sort through old grievances and differences. Leave it for later.

People may experience a post-holiday let down with symptoms continuing past the new year. This can result from emotional disappointments during the holiday months combined with setbacks from the preceding months as well as the physical reactions caused by excessive fatigue and stress. Those who do not experience the blues may respond to the stress of the holidays with headaches, excessive drinking, over-eating, not eating enough, difficulty sleeping, or avoiding friends and family.

Ways of Coping – the Basics

• Maintain a normal routine, or as close as possible. Try and continue doing normal activities.
• Be sure to get enough sleep or at least rest if sleeping is difficult.
• Regular exercise, even walking, helps relieve stress and tension and improve moods following a loss.
• Maintain a balanced diet. Watch out for the temptation to eat “junk” foods and high calorie comfort foods.
• Alcohol should be used in moderation, not to mask the pain.
• Take things one hour at a time, one day at a time.
• Do those things, or be with the people that comfort, sustain, nurish and recharge you.
• Remember other times in the past when you have experienced loss and the strategies used to survive the loss.

Ways of Coping with the Holidays Blues

• Establish realistic goals and expectations for the holiday season. Don’t expect that everything will be perfect—the food, decorations, parties, family behavior or presents.
• Keep expectations manageable. Set realistic goals, determine the priorities, decide what can be  comfortable handled, what cannot be done. Delegate responsibility to others—spouse, children. Plan a calendar or “To do list” for shopping, baking, visiting and other events. Let your family and friends know about your limitations.
• Maintain a balanced diet. Eat and drink in moderation. This will help avoid the post-holiday depressing weight gain. Excessive drinking can contribute to feeling blue or depressed.
• Remember to make time for yourself—for solitude and relaxation.
• Laughter can be very healing. It is not a sign of disrespect to laugh and enjoy oneself. One should remember the French Proverb “That day is lost on which one has not laughed.”
• To minimize financial stressors, know your spending limit, set a budget and stick to it.
• Most often the best gifts come from a sincere desire to make someone happy, not the price tag. Gifts given from the heart can bring much joy. Many cannot be purchased—gifts of time e.g. baby-sitting or volunteering, visiting and reminiscing with loved ones.
• Enjoy free holiday activities: driving around to look at holiday decorations; window shopping without buying; making a snow person with children; participating in community activities such as tree decorating or lightings; listening to free holiday concerts; enjoying Christmas carolers.
• Those who have experienced a death, romantic break-up, tragedy or significant loss, need not be obligated to feel festive or try to be all things for all people. Feelings of grief, loss or sadness should be acknowledged, not ignored or repressed.
• Limiting contact with activities or avoiding the holidays may the best option for some.
• Spend time with caring, supportive, nurturing people. Limit the amount of time spent with people that are difficult to be around.
• Call, visit, write or e-mail a long-lost friend, someone who is house-bound, or an elderly relative.
• Reaching out and reconnecting with old friends or making new ones is one way of dealing with the loneliness experienced during this season. Don’t wait to be invited—invite someone over.
• Altruism is a way of remembering the spirit of giving and helping those who may have less. Donate money or volunteer time to a homeless shelter, battered women and/or children’s shelter, hospice, nursing home, cancer association or other non-profit, hospital, church, SPCA or Humane Society.
• Consider doing something in memory of departed loved ones or creating a new remembrance ritual. Some suggestions include: light a special candle; play a favorite song; hang a certain ornament or stocking; listen to music enjoyed by the loved one; donate to a homeless or animal shelter; adopt a needy family; donate the money that would have been spent on a gift to their favorite cause; buy a tree and plant it in memory of a loved one departed.
• Traditional reunions and past rituals may no longer be possible as children grow move away and families change. Instead of keeping old holiday traditions, find new ways to celebrate the holidays by creating new rituals, traditions or remembrances.
• The holiday season does not eliminate the reasons for feeling sad, depressed or lonely. In fact the season can heighten feelings of sadness or loneliness; it is not unusual or abnormal for these emotions to surface at this time of year.

Ways of Helping Someone Else Cope with the Holiday Blues:

• Invite the person to join in holiday activities. Even if the answer is “No,” leave the invitation open in case they decide to come at the last minute.
• Listen to their grief story as often as they need to tell it. Let them know you are there for them.
• Sometimes being present and sharing the silence with a reassuring touch on the arm or a hug may be all that they want.
• Become familiar with resources—physicians, clergy, mental health centers, counseling centers, and hotlines, in case they decide to seek professional help.
• Be aware that the grieving may not wish to be festive. Take cues from the grieving as to how they want to deal with the holidays and remember or honor (or not) their loss.
• There is no right or wrong way to deal with the holidays, anniversaries or special occasions. Each person has to decide what will work and then let others know.
• As caregivers, relatives, friends of those grieving a loss, we can not change the situation, but we can acknowledge it, listen and be supportive.

Special Considerations for Victims and Survivors of Tragedy
For victims and survivors of tragedy holidays, anniversaries and other special occasions are often painful reminders of times past. These days can be filled with heartache and anguish. Memories of holiday’s past can surface often without warning upon hearing a special song, smelling a holiday scent, discovering a treasured ornament or garment, or attending traditional services. The evoked feelings of grief can be just as painful as when first encountered as memories trigger the intense emotions of loss to be experienced anew.  Adding to the grief is the media portrayal in advertising or shows of the “perfect” family celebrating the “perfect” holiday; this can be painful for those whose families have been disrupted by tragedy.  Holidays are a time when survivors of tragedy are understandably often “blue.”

It is important to recognize that people are coping with the events of September 11 in many different way. Some may want to talk to whomever will listen. Others may want to keep the intense feelings and emotions to themselves. Still others have turned to creative ways of expressing their grief, fundraising, or advocacy as their means of coping. These differences in coping will also be expressed as diverse ways of dealing with the holidays. Some may choose not to celebrate as a sign of respect, others will decide to celebrate as a way of remembering. It is important to remember that people cope with loss very differently and to allow them their diverse coping styles. Victims and survivors should decide what feels right to them, what will work for them, and then let friends and family know.

One important thought for victims and survivors of tragedy to remember is that while we cannot control the loss, we can control our response to the loss or in other words:

Circumstances and situations do color life.
But you have been given the mind to choose what the color shall be.

John Homer Miller

Coping Suggestions for Victims and Survivors of Tragedy

• People respond to tragedy in different ways.  Each person’s experience of the loss, like each grief experience, will be unique.
• Everyone has their own way of coping. Recognize the differences in coping styles and allow people to have their own way of expressing grief unless their methods become self-destructive (See “When to Be Concerned” below). It may be helpful to explain to family and friends how you are choosing to cope.
• Be aware that it can be difficult for spouses and families experiencing the same loss to understand how different grief responses can occur. Respect the differences.
• Allow yourself to feel and express sadness, anger or loneliness. The holidays do not eliminate the reasons for feeling these emotions.
• For most people it is important to find a balance between honoring past traditions associated with the lost loved one while developing new ones reflecting adapting to the change. Some traditions may be too painful to continue. One way of dealing with whether to celebrate past traditions is to begin new traditions in memory of the loved one lost, or start entirely new traditions of their own.
• It is important to think through any changes in traditions and make conscious decisions about how to handle them. If appropriate make it a family decision. Explain the changes to other family members and friends.
• Plan a remembrance or find a special way of remembering the loved one lost:
  • Share favorite stories about the person who has died.
  • Serve that person’s favorite food or holiday dish.
  • Make a toast.
  • Hang a special ornament.
  • Hang a stocking for the loved one. Let people include notes of remembrance.
  • Look at photos or videos from past holidays.
  • Plant a tree.
  • Establish a scholarship.
  • Listen to their favorite music.
  • Light a candle.
  • Dedicate a bench or plaque.
  • Adopt a needy family or donate to a homeless or animal shelter for the holidays.
  • Donate the money that would have been spent on a gift to their favorite cause.
  • Publish an ad in the local paper.
  • Write letters or a journal to the loved one to express your feelings.
• Find a new way of celebrating—celebrate in a new place.
• Volunteer. Helping others can be very healing. Donate your money or time to help those who may have less.
• Take time to care for yourself to be alone with your thoughts, in remembrance or in prayer.
• Many find solace in their religious beliefs and/or spiritual connections. Talk with clergy, spiritual counselors. Attend a service.
• Try to stay in the present and look to the future rather than dwelling on the past. It is important to remember we can control our response to the loss.
• Reflect on what is important and still good in life.
• Remember the Basics (See above)

While it is normal for the holidays and other special occasions to intensify feelings of sadness and loneliness, we are also entering the time following the events of September 11 when the diagnosis of depression or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder could be made. See the next section on “When to Be Concerned” for more information on symptoms of depression.

When to Be Concerned
The Holiday Blues, as the name implies, tend to be short-lived lasting only a few days to a few weeks around the holiday season. The emotions—sadness, loneliness, depression, anxiety—usually subside after the holidays once a daily routine is resumed. If the symptoms of hopelessness and depression last for more than two weeks, persist past the holidays or intensify during the season, a simple case of the blues may in reality be a serious case of depression. Symptoms of depression, to watch for include:

• Persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood
• Sleeping too much or too little, middle-of-the night or early morning waking
• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased appetite and weight gain
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex
• Irritability or restlessness
• Difficulty thinking, concentrating, remembering or making decisions
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Feeling inappropriate guilt, hopelessness or worthlessness

The person experiencing the “blues” over a period of several weeks should seek professional help—physicians and mental health care providers, clergy, crisis lines, support groups, and mental health centers. Talking with a professional or taking a mental health screening test can help assess whether it’s the “blues” or depression. Those with suicidal thoughts or ideation need to seek immediate care with their physician, crisis line or the nearest hospital emergency department.

Remember to REST
The key to coping with the Holiday Blues is understanding them. Setting realistic expectations for the holidays, knowing what people, events, thoughts or memories can trigger feeling sad, blue or depressed and developing ways of responding to these feelings can all be helpful in coping with the holidays. Most of all it is important to remember to get your R-E-S-T:

Reasonable expectations and goals. Be realistic about can and cannot be done. Get plenty of rest.
Exercise, even walking daily. Eat and drink in moderation. Enjoy free activities.
Simplify to relieve stress. Set a budget for time, social obligations and gifts. Simple gifts can bring happiness – giving service coupons, spending time together, donating to charity, calling a friend.
Take time for yourself for relaxation and remembrance. Give time to others—volunteer. Spend time with caring, supportive people. Keep in mind that Traditions can be changed.

Give tips and advice for solving conflicts in everyday life.

Answer:

The word conflict comes from the latin word “conflictio” which means “altercation”. Conflicts, disagreements and problems in working together will always occur, both among children and adults.

Conflicts can occur in all levels of society; between individuals, in families, workgroups, in local and central decision making, and in society as a whole. There are different reasons why conflicts occur, for example different goals, values or interests, misunderstanding of situations, unsatisfied needs. To live with unsolved conflicts takes energy and may cause people to feel burdened and divided. Because of this, it is important not to shut one’s eyes to conflict. Instead, one should try to understand the cause of the conflict and its effects, and then try to influence or resolve the conlfict.

To openly accept conflicts requires courage and willpower. There are many reasons why people choose to suppress understanding of a conflict. Here are some ways of thinking that suppress conflicts:

• There is no possibillity to make things better!
• I can get in trouble if I try to interfere!
• It is best not to think about it!
• Am I really able to do something about it?
• Perhaps I am the only person who feels that something is wrong!
• Someone else will do something about it!

Experiences at an early age often play an important role in how you understand situations. Stress caused by conflict may cause you to use different defence mechanisms. By not accepting that there is a conflict, you try to live with a “harmony model” of reality. Critique and suggestions for change are not understood, because the existence of the conflict is not accepted. But if, instead, a conflict is accepted and solved, this will cause better understanding of the thoughts, feelings and needs of each other, and can also result in more openness, creativity and community. Thus, the conflict can cause a relation or a group to improve itself.

Below is described a model for good problem-solving. The model consists of the following six steps:

1.       Identify and define the problem: Describe the problem in ways which are not based on critique or disdain. “I” statements are the most effective way of formulating a problem. This means that you start with your own feelings and ideas. Be an active listener, let other people state their views, try to understand your opponent, and ask check questions to ensure that you have not misunderstood something. Understanding the views of your opponent can cause you to see the problem in a new way. But do not suppress your own feelings. If you do not say what you feel, your opponent may not be motivated to resolve the problem. Ensure that your opponent understands that you have to find a resolution which satisfies both needs – a solution where no one is a loser, a so-called win-win solution.

2.       Propose different solutions: It is not always easy to immediately see the best solution. Ask your opponent to start proposing solutions – you will have time to propose your ideas later on. Employ active listening techniques and respect the ideas of your opponent. Try to list several different solutions, before evaluating and discussing them.

3.       Evaluate the different solutions: Be frank and critical, use active listening.

4.       Making a decision: A common agreement on a solution is necessary. The solution must be specified in such a way that both parties understand it. Do not try to persuade or press your opponent to accept a certain solution. If your opponent is not able to freely select a solution, which he or she can accept, there is a risk that nothing is improved.

5.       Carry out the solution: Immediately after having agreed on a solution, it is usually necessary to discuss how to implement it. Who will do what, and when? If your opponent does not adhere to what you have agreed on, you should confront them with “I” statements. But do not again and again remind your opponent of their tasks – this will cause them to rely on your reminders instead of taking own responsibility for their own behaviour.

6.       Perform a follow-up evaluation: Sometimes, you may find that there are weaknesses in the solution. Both parties should be willing to revise decisions, but this should be done together, not by one of you alone. You have to agree on all changes to the solution – just as you have to agree on the original solution.

Test to perform these steps, but remember that your best method for effective conflict resolution is active listening, open and direct statements, trust and respect for each other’s needs, openness to new facts and patience.

Note: By “active listening” is meant techniques where you check that you have understood what other people mean by rephrasing their views, checking that they agree with your understanding of their views, and asking check questions when needed.

How do I learn to solve my problems? Which problem solving techniques do you recommend? Dscribe a systematic approach to solve problems.

Answer:

One of the most effective strategies to improve the quality of life for a client is a systematic approach for problem-solving

At the beginning of any psychotherapy, clients usually expect that the therapist will find an answer to all possible problems in life. However, in the course of therapy the clients learn to find their own solutions for their problems. He or she should use prior experiences in life and adapt useful strategies to find appropriate solutions in a structured and systematic way with problemsolving strategies.

It is always a very useful approach to think of successful strategies for problems in the past. Train yourself to adapt useful problem-solving techniques to new situations!

Here is one of many possible models of problem solving.

1.       Problem identification What is my concern?

2.       Goal definition What do I want to achieve or change?

3.       Brainstorming What can I do?

4.       Consequences What might happen?

5.       Decision How should I do it?

6.       Implementation Do it!

7.       Evaluation Did it work?

These seven simple steps can be applied to nearly all kinds of problems in life. Let’s go into detail with a problem of one of my clients:

Daniel is a 52 year old patient with depression and panic attacks. One of his major problems was to leave the house to go for a walk or consult the doctor or therapist.

1. Problem identification

Try to give a precise description of your problems. You should try to focus on behaviours or skill deficits.

2. Goal definition

You should try to set a precise goal of your efforts. This should be a realistic aim of improvement (not “I want to feel better”). Ask yourself: “What do I want to change or achieve right now?”

3. Brainstorming / Generation of alternatives.

Try to think of all possible ways to achieve your goal. Think of successful ways of solving problems or achieving your goals in the past. Use your creativity and do not restrict yourself in any way. Even nonsensical or unusual ways might be worth to consider.

Write all alternatives on a blank sheet of paper!

4. Consider all consequences.

Now it is time to think about the positive or negative consequences of all possible alternatives. Think about any outcome or difficulties of your approaches.

This step can be split into substeps:

a.       What are the advantages? It is better to look at the advantages before looking at the disadvantages, since if you start looking at the disadvantages you may get so dissillusioned that you cannot think of any advantages.

b.       Whare are the risks, what care is needed, what problems can occur?

c.       How do you intuitively feel about the alternatives?

5. Make your choice of one possible alternative!

It is important to make a clear choice and define a time limit for an attempt to reach your goal.

6. Do it (Implementation of your decision)

Do not worry about being successful. Just do it and see what happens…

7. Evaluation

Now it is time to see what happened. If you have been successful: Great!!!! You should think about a reward for your efforts!!!!

The first thing to keep in mind for a Christian single person to achieve a successful holiday season is to Stay involved. Avoid isolation and loneliness. At this time of year, because there is such an overwhelming emphasis on family togetherness, loneliness for Christian singles can get worse. It¹s like singles don¹t exist. They are invisible! Therefore, the Christian single must take some action to not slip into loneliness. A good way to approach this is to ask the Lord who you might be able to help to diminish their loneliness. Saint Paul writes in Galatians 6: 7: “Whatever a man sows that shall he also reap.” In other words: whatever it is that you need, you will receive by giving that thing you need to someone else. For instance, if you need more money, you give money . If you need love, you give love. So if you are lonely, see what you can do about helping someone else out of their loneliness. Consider inviting friends over to your place. Is there someone in your church that needs a visit or a phone call? We receive by giving.

If you are not in a relationship, but would like to be in one, then take advantage of the many holiday church related events to fellowship and connect with other single believers. Meeting that right person has everything to do with being in a variety of satisfying relationships with a number of interesting people. There is usually no such thing as a lonely, desperate person finding that “right One.” Finding the “right one” has everything to do with being actively involved in life, a life guided by The Master. It is wise to participate in as many church activities as you can. Networking with other church members, especially married couples, can be a good way to prospect for a mate. These folks sometimes like to be on the lookout to matchmake singles in the congregation. It is usually a slow time for Church activities between New Years and Valentines Day. So take advantage of these opportunities now.

However, don’t be too hard on your self if you are not into  participating right now. The most important thing is that you   strengthen your faith and stay connected while enjoying the holidays. Attending Services and Close, fun time with a few good friends can be sufficient. Nurturing yourself like this is also good progress toward meeting and finding the special person that God has for you.

If you are in a relationship, be easy and forgiving with each other during this joyous but stressful time of year. Remember you can not change the other person. Only Jesus can do that. ( Matthew 7: 3: And why do you look at the speck in your brother¹s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye.”) You can only decide to let God change you. So you, with The Lords help, work on overcoming and modifying your own character defects. Surprisingly, when you change and grow, it often has the effect of changing the other person as well and the entire relationship gets better.

Don¹t be sucked into family conflicts. Family squabbles can get worse at this time of year because the holidays can put one into situations where you are compelled to interact with family members even though you may not want to. Unlike the rest of the year, it is not easy to gracefully avoid difficult family members. One good way to stay out of trouble is to avoid getting drawn into family triangles. This is where one family member in conflict with another family member takes you aside and tries to get you to side with them against another family member. Or they want you to talk for them with the other family member on their behalf, instead of going straight to that person themselves. As the scripture indicates we should first go directly and confidentially to the person we have a grievance with: Matthew 18: 15 “If a brother sins against you, go to him privately and confront him with his fault.” So it is best to politely decline becoming involved and step out of the way so as not to block God¹s light from shinning on this dilemma.

If there is a lot of family dysfunction (in a polite and respectful manner) keep family visits short. No more than three to six hours for in town visits. and a three day limit on out of town visits. If you really feel pressured and uncomfortable, consider staying in a motel during the visit with your own transportation available. Rent a car if necessary. The scripture say “Honor Thy Father and Mother.” This does not mean that you must be under their roof for extended periods of time if you feel unable to do so.

Relax and be as easy on yourself as possible. Keep in mind that during the holidays as at all times, we are not in control of how things go. We have only the illusion of control. God is always in control. We can only do the next right thing. As the eleventh step of AA admonishes: ” We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry it out.”

Reduce Stress: Avoid Family Conflicts During the Holiday Season by:

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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I filmed this video with the goal of Helping individuals and couples stick with their New Year’s Resolutions. I quickly realized it was also a great resource on how to stay motivated even when you don’t feel like it! Please listen and watch the whole video (I would hate for people to take things out of context) – and if you try my advice – please let me know how you did!

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up
every time we do.”     ~ Confucius

Angela’s husband, Matt, told her over the phone that he wanted a divorce.  She knew they had problems but this came out of the blue.  She was devastated to say the least.  All of her tears and pleas were ignored.  It was as if Matt had amnesia.  He no longer seemed to care anything for her and showed little interest in their two sons.
Angela’s friends and family quickly mobilized around her with tons of advice, all of which was negative and vengeful.
She refused to have any part of it.  Even though she was angry, hurt, and scared; she chose to take higher ground.
She said, “Most people get mean and hateful in times like these.  I want to face this in such a way that people see me conducting myself in the most positive manner.  I want to be the exception!”
The turning point in a person’s life can usually be marked by some type of loss or failure.  Everyone who is successful has faced some form of adversity and defeat.  Here are the strategies that will ensure that you overcome the hard times of life and transform them into personal victories:

1)     Defeat Reveals Your Faults.  Initially Angela mentally beat herself up.  All she could see was how awful she was.  “I’m too anxious.”  “I obsess too much.”  But as time when on she did realize that perhaps she complained too much and maybe she could have been easier to get along with.  She identified that she had lacked ambition and hadn’t tried as hard as a wife as she could have.  She tended to be overcautious and worrisome which often killed moments of potential intimacy.  She could have better controlled her tongue and her temper.

Notice she hadn’t committed any potential deal-breakers in the marriage such as have an affair or abuse the children.  And also notice that she didn’t focus on developing a list of Matt’s shortcomings.  She focused on learning what she could have done better.

“Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, this time more wisely.”   ~ Unknown

2)     Don’t Let The Tragedy Define Who You Are.  Angela chose to be seen by herself, her sons, her community and Matt as Being The Exception.  Even though she was sad and depressed, broken and defeated, she sought to figure out how to become better.
Nobody would have thought badly of her if she fell apart.  She would have been surrounded by compassion.  She realized she faced divorce either way.  She decided to push herself to find out what she is truly made of.

3)     Don’t Sit Around Feeling Sorry For Yourself.  The first three weeks were a blur.  She didn’t sleep much.  Angela lost twelve pounds.  Her eyes were practically swollen shut from non-stop crying.  She realized she couldn’t stay in this state of hopelessness.  A pity party wouldn’t benefit her or her children.  She started getting herself together.  Her grief continued but she processed it in increments.
4)    If You Won’t Do It For Yourself, Do It For Others.  Angela faced times when she wanted to quit; she didn’t want to get out of bed.  But she knew her children were counting on her.  She had also set a bar for herself, “I want to be the exception!”  She wanted to be an example to others.
5)    Ask For Help.  Angela mobilized the support of her parents and even though they are divorced they dropped their differences for the sake of their daughter and grandsons.
She entered into weekly therapy sessions for an opportunity to express and process her thoughts and feelings.
She also started going to church.  She wasn’t from this community and had never ventured beyond her home.  Her world had been very small but she realized if she didn’t tap into the available support, she might not make it on her own.

“In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends.”    ~ Unknown

6)     Seek Sources of Inspiration.  Quotes from famous men and women who have overcome adversity can be very encouraging.  Movies and songs can also encourage.  Avoid the songs and movies that only stir up pain. Seek songs with lyrics that promote strength and hope.
Angela found the preacher’s sermons and the scriptures of the Bible very helpful.  These strengthened her resolve to be the exception!

7)     Reframe The Situation – Look For The Positive.  It felt like her world was falling apart.  She doubted if she could make it on her own.  Angela realized she needed to change her perspective.  She changed her thoughts to ones that reflected something good would come from this situation.  She would regularly tell me, “All things work together for the good to those who love the lord, and to those who are called according to His purpose.”  She sometimes said this with tears streaming down her cheeks as she gazed upward.  Even though she was around 5’1 in height; her spirit was much taller.

“Obstacles will look large or small to you according to whether you are large or small.”
~ Orison Swett Marden

8)     Be Willing To Try Again.  Resolve to start again.  Angela started exploring her options.  A move closer to her parents, going back to college, job opportunities.  She focused her mind in the direction of where she might find success and happiness.
9)    Things Will Get Better, They Always Do.  Hold onto these words of hope.  The sun will shine again.  Your resolve to learn from your adversity and defeat is essential so you don’t repeat your history.  When you review your life history you see that you have actually survived and perhaps even thrived over every tough time.  Since you know that you will get through this; go ahead and strive to be the exception now.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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“Why should I deem myself to be a chisel, when I could be the artist?”
~J.C.F. von Schiller

Do you realize that you can drastically change your life over the next two years?  I’m talking about any area of your life.  This could be your educational level, your financial status, the fulfillment in your home and marriage.  Your success begins with the development of a target.  What is your aim?

Can you imagine playing the game of basketball without any hoops?  It would look more like a game of keep-away.  The whole object of the game is to get the ball in the hoop.  What you accomplish in life is much the same way.  What are you aiming for in your life?  If you don’t have a hoop in mind for yourself, your life will never be all that it could be.

Most people never truly define their goals.  If you study successful people, you’ll find that all had a clearly defined target and they focused their energy on that end.  Here are nine principles that will accelerate the achievement of your dreams:
1)     Start by answering the question, “What do I want out of my life?”  The response can be general or specific but the more specific the better.  The answers will serve as your targets.
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“If you don’t know where you are going, how can you expect to get there?”
~ Basil S. Walsh
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2)    The past doesn’t predict the future.  Just because you have tried and failed in the past doesn’t mean you will fail next time.  Perseverance is essential when building the life of your dreams.  Bad experiences can teach you how to correct the situation so you will have a positive outcome in the future.  Do not limit yourself by focusing on the setbacks of your past.  Most successful people have many stories of trials and errors.  Rarely is anyone an overnight success.
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“There is nothing we cannot live down, rise above and overcome.”
~Ella Wheeler-Wilcox
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3)     Set goals that mean something to you.  Don’t create targets that are really someone else’s dreams.  If you live your life trying to fulfill someone else’s wishes for you, you could be setting yourself up for tragic results.
If you are meant to be a chef, then you belong in the kitchen.  If you are meant to be a pastor, then you need to be in the ministry.  Far too many people choose targets for the wrong reasons.  Ask yourself, “Why am I doing what I’m doing?”  I encourage you to set goals that are important to you.  This will automatically help you love the gift of life that has been given to you.

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“Whatever you are meant to do, move toward it and it will come to you.”
~Gloria Dunn

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4)     Don’t set your sights on so many targets that not one will be reached.  The Chinese have a proverb that says “Never try to catch two frogs with one hand.”  You can have more than one goal but be careful you don’t dilute your focus.  I have a friend who has a hard time getting his work done because he is always getting distracted by “something shiny”.  The more concentrated you are in your efforts, the faster you will achieve your goal.
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“He who wants to do everything will never do anything.”
~Andre’ Maurois
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5)     Write your goals on a piece of paper.  Goal setting experts agree that this single element will make all the difference in the world.  When you write your goals, you begin a process of transforming the abstract into something tangible.  If you simply wrote your goals once and then hid the list away for one year, at the end of that year when you revisited the list you would be amazed at what you have accomplished.
Write your goals in the first person and in the present tense.
For example:
I have a Wonderful, Christ-centered marriage with (insert spouse’s name).
I am in excellent shape and have boundless energy.
I earn “X” amount of dollars per year.
I can easily bench-press ____ pounds.
I have unshakable peace of mind.

You want to write these goals as if they have already been attained.

6)     Give yourself a daily reminder.  If you really want to accelerate your progress then keep your list of goals in front of you.  I suggest that once you create your list of goals you should rewrite the list every day for at least 30 days.  This practice of writing and re-writing pulls more of your facilities into the process which reinforces the importance and the focus.  After you complete the thirty day goal, then you can switch to Step 7.

7)      Say your goals out loud.  This one can be awkward and possibly disruptive so you may have to be creative when and where you do this step.  To significantly speed up your success, say your goals out loud.  The spoken word is more powerful than a thought.  Remember, God spoke the world into existence.  Every morning recite your goals out loud.  This reminder will serve you throughout your day and reinforces you will act in accordance with your desired outcome.

8)     Walk boldly through your obstacles.  Hannah More said, “Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.”  So keep your eyes on the target.

9)     Always Aim Higher.  You want to choose targets that will push you to be all that you can be.  You become what you think about, so think BIG.

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“The true worth of a man is to be measured by the objects he pursues.”
~ Marcus Aurelius
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I talk to too many people who have lived lives of regret.  Do not let that happen to you.  Set targets that will help you live your life to the fullest.  I want you to laugh more, love deeper, and enjoy life while you can.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today.  Have you used one to say, “thank you.”?”
~ William A. Ward

When is the last time you said a word of appreciation to your husband or boyfriend?  It is hard to tell which comes first, his lack of appreciation for you or yours toward him.  Rather than debate this, I suggest that you pump new life into your relationship by giving your man the gift of appreciation.  I have chosen to make this article one-sided because I occasionally catch grief from other men who complain that I am always asking them to make the sacrifices in order to make their woman feel special.  I still believe this and I believe appreciation should be a two-way street. I also believe that a man will do a lot more for the woman he loves if he is appreciated.
You see, when a woman is not happy, the man feels like a failure.  When she is happy, he feels that he is successful.  Men may give up in their efforts to make her happy if he doesn’t see results.  A woman’s show of appreciation is his scorecard.  So, ladies this is ultimately in your best interest to give your man one of his deepest longings, appreciation.
Dennis is frustrated that the vision for his marriage is out of sync with his wife, Nancy.  She throws him “under the bus” every time they are around their family and friends.  Everybody knows something is wrong.  Dennis seems very unhappy.  He is frequently ill and has nothing to look forward to.  Nancy’s belittling of him has led to him feeling inadequate as a man.  He pouts like a child and acts in a passive-aggressive manner.  For instance, he seems to always “forget” her birthday, Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day.  This is how he has learned to retaliate for her lack of appreciation.  He dreads going home each day.   Their marriage is in real trouble.  Don’t let this happen to your relationship.
Here are some ways to let your man know how much you appreciate him:
1)      Greet him with enthusiasm.  Light your face and his with a smile.  Be glad to see him.
2)      Build him up in front of others.  Refuse to say anything negative about him to anyone else.  Look for opportunities to sing his praises to his friends and relatives as well as yours.
3)      Tell him the things you admire and appreciate about him.  Men love to hear how great they are.  This also serves as positive reinforcement which in turn will promote an even better man.  Point out how hardworking he is.  Thank him for being thoughtful and patient, and a good listener.  You will be surprised at how much better he will become.
4)      Be playful.  Draw out his fun side.  Once couples get established in the relationship, they tend to forget how playful and goofy they can be.  Being playful will keep you young.
5)      Ease up on the guilt trips.  Women typically hate to ask for the things they want or need.  Instead, they complain about what the man doesn’t do.  Men interpret this as, “No matter what I do, it is never good enough.”  Don’t make him feel obligated through guilt provoking statements.  Learn to make direct requests such as, “Will you take out the trash?” instead of, “You never take out the trash!”
6)      Make a big to-do when he achieves something.  Fix him his favorite meal or a special dessert.  Put the children to bed early and break out the candles.  Use your imagination.  The bigger the better.
7)      Tell him how much you love him.  Not with a card.  Most men are not into receiving cards.  Tell him face to face.  A sincere statement can penetrate the toughest of hearts.
8)      Thank him for providing for you and your children.  I know he is supposed to do this, but a wise woman will never take this for granted.  Men equate long hours of hard work to a show of love.  Receive this with a thank you.
9)      Thank him for supporting your career pursuits.  Behind every great man is a supportive woman.  The reverse is also true.
10)   If you want to see a huge difference in your man, listen to him.  Listen to his goals, his dreams and his frustrations.  Give him a chance to talk without correcting him or getting defensive.  Let him vent without taking it personally.  A man will give his right arm for this one.

“Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot.”  ~ Nigerian Proverb

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”    ~ William A. Ward

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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How would you like to increase the odds in your favor that your marriage will be head and shoulders above the rest?  Now a days men and women, especially young people are skeptical about the possibility of having a great marriage.  So many couples seem to be unhappy.  Is there hope that a wonderful marriage can exist?  You can bet on it and here are 10 of the secrets for guaranteeing your success.

(1)    Accept and Embrace Your Partner’s Differences.
A common dilemma for couples is to try and change their partner.  Sure they may have annoying habits or mannerisms but as soon as you start criticizing them or trying to reform their wrongness, your partner will resist you.  They’ll become defensive and then it becomes a battle of wills.  It may take years to determine whose will is the strongest and the marriage may not be able to endure this challenge.  From my years of experience, the fastest way to change them is to accept and embrace their differences and they’ll give them up much faster.

(2)    Staying Connected Is More Important Than Being Right.
Memorize this statement:  “You Can’t Be Right and Be Married!”

You need to decide, which it is going to be.  The sooner you decide to be married, the happier the marriage will be.

(3)    You Get Out Of It What You Put Into It.
If you want the best that marriage can offer, then you need to put your best into it.  The amount of energy you give your marriage will determine the degree of passion and the length of the honeymoon.

(4)    Regularly Get Away From Your Daily Routine.
This doesn’t have to be a vacation.  It can equate to an afternoon in the park.  If one of you normally does the grocery shopping, then go together.  Look for simple ways to mix up the routine so the relationship doesn’t become dull.  Keep your partner on their toes, but in a positive way.

(5)    Convey Your Partner’s Importance To Them.
If you get this point right, you will score in a big way.  Hardly anyone gets this one right.  Make sure that your partner knows with absolute certainty that:
(a)    They Are Enough For You.  Let your partner know that you only have eyes for them.
(b)    That You Are Always There For Them.  It’s easy to be there for your partner when they are happy but a great spouse will be there even when their partner is moody or worse.

(6)    Fight Fairly.
Treat your spouse with respect even if you are angry or upset.  Strive to exemplify honor towards your mate even if they are not doing that in return.  Set an example.  Don’t use language you wouldn’t want your partner to hear.  Don’t pull up too many past grievances.  Don’t say things you cannot take back.  Don’t let your emotions get the best of you.

(7)    Make The Marriage The Priority.
Work is important and so are your children but be careful how you set your priorities.  Marriage cannot always be the priority but it should find itself at the top of the list most of the time.

(8)    Savor Every Day.
Don’t take your spouse for granted.  Tomorrow is not promised to anyone so always make the most of every moment with your spouse.  How would you treat your spouse today if you knew they were going to die at midnight?  I bet your day would be a lot different.  How would you look at them?  How would you hold them?  What would you say?  I wonder how your marriage will be if you exercise this discipline for the next 2 to 4 weeks.

(9)    Talk About Your Future Together.
Spend time sharing your goals and dreams for you as a couple.  This gives reassurance and hope to the marriage which in turn helps strengthen the sense of commitment.  Talk about places you would like to visit and things you would like to do together.

(10)    Believe In The “Fairy Tale” Aspects Of Love.
Life can be hard but do not let it make you hard.  Hold on to the belief of happy endings.  Believe in princes and princesses and the innocence of love.  Once you stop believing, you become jaded.  Once this happens, the magic of love will eventually die.  This may sound childish or illogical but this believing will keep your marriage forever young.

Having a great marriage is possible and your efforts will bring you many wonderful rewards.  You just have to make the decision to have a great marriage and then strive to be consistent with your efforts.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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Priorities in a marriage often get turned around.  This is especially true if you have children.  Children tend to get the majority of our attention because they have greater needs.  Since women typically do the lion’s share of child care, husbands need to make sure their wives are well taken care of.  One way to do this is to Always Greet Your Wife First.

Husbands, if you want your wife to adore you, develop this simple habit.  This minor adjustment will make her feel special and will let her know she is your priority.

Here’s how this works:  Husbands, which family member generally gets to you first when you arrive home each day from work?  Your children, right?  They are so excited to see you.  They practically knock you down with their enthusiasm, this is almost impossible to resist.  Most husbands greet the children first, but for the sake of the children as well as your wife, do not do this.  Always Greet Your Wife First.

Before I tell you why, let me give the husbands a little inside information that I have picked up as a marriage and family therapist.  Your wife typically hides from you when you’re expected to arrive home.  She wants you to be interested enough and care enough to come find her.  If you think about it isn’t she normally in her closet or in the laundry room when you get home?  Do not stop and read the mail.  Do not sit in your recliner.  Go find her.

Instead of stopping to hug the children, say to them, “Ya’ll help me find Momma.

They will gladly help and you rush to where your wife is.  Greet her with enthusiasm.  Think about how your children and your dog greet you.  Show about the same degree of enthusiasm.  Look into her eyes.  Embrace her.  Tell her how glad you are to see her.

This kind of greeting shows her honor.  It automatically conveys a message that she is special to you and she is your priority.  It isn’t hard to do but it’s impact will blow her doors off.

After you have greeted her enthusiastically, greet your children with a similar response.  The reason behind this relates to a matter of developing respect from your children for their mother.  In most homes, the father can tell the children to do something and the children do it immediately.  However, their mother can tell the children to do the same thing and the children give her a hard timed about it.  Greeting your wife first helps squash this behavior.

When you greet your children first, then your wife, you are giving the children the message that they are more important than their Momma.  They start believing that their daddy holds them in greater esteem than he does their Momma.  Thus, they do not have to do what she says.  However, when you greet their Momma first, then they see that you hold her in greater esteem and they will do the same.  They will then be quicker to do what she says.

Someone will greet them first when they reach adulthood but for now, honor their Momma.  Try this out today.  You will feel better about yourself as a husband.  The love and respect that you show towards your wife will come back to you multiplied.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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Every marriage will go through times of challenge. Some marriages will be strengthened while others will be destroyed. Tough times may be as common as financial problems or the aftermath of a hurtful argument. Marriages may suffer as the result of a miscarriage or the death of a loved one. Whatever challenge you face, remember this:

It is better to be prepared for tough times and not have them, than to have tough times and not be prepared.

Here are five of the essential principles to strengthen your relationship and give you an edge during times of adversity.

1. Be Mindful Not To Worry. If something needs to be fixed, fix it if you can but remember that worry never fixes anything. Worrying is a waste of time and energy. It’s like sitting in a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it gets you nowhere. Worry prevents you from seeing hope and solutions. Besides, most things we worry about never happen.
   
2. Be Patient Towards Your Partner. Patience is an excellent remedy for the tough times you will go through. You love your partner so don’t choose the moments of crisis to come down on them. Don’t let stress sway you into losing perspective. Realize that if you are not careful, adversity can damage your relationship. Stay away from blaming, using criticism to make a point, lecturing, sarcasm and name calling. Everything becomes possible again when love and patience are present.
   
3. Practice Forgiveness…It is amazing how quickly someone will turn on the person they love. Don’t let upset feelings infect your relationship. Resentments close the door on the possibility of a bright future. Love is a continous act of forgiveness. Everybody likes the idea of forgiveness until they have to be the one to forgive. If you want your relationship to be better than most, you must instill this habit of forgiveness.
   
4. Use Your Sense Of Humor. A laughing couple is much stronger than an arguing or withdrawn couple. If you can find humor in the challenge you are facing you can survive it. Laughter dissapates hopelessness. You cannot argue and laugh at the same time. It is impossible. The choice is up to you.
   
5. Vow To Stay Connected. Stand together against adversity. Promise to endure throughout the storms that most likely will come your way at some point or another. Staying connected takes practice. People commonly choose to withdraw from each other at times of trouble. This distance may feel safer but it does long term damage to the relationship. If you truly love your partner then vow “We will get through this, Together!”

You are the only one who is responsible for your character. Do not let other people or circumstances determine your actions. If there is goodness in your relationship, then it is worth fighting for. Give your partner a message of committed reassurance. Let them know, “I’m Here For You.” and “We Will Get Through This.”

Things To Keep In Mind During The Tough Times:

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Getting Through The Tough Times In Your Relationship

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Has your relationship fallen into a routine in which the passion has fizzled or perhaps even been extinguished?  How would you like to rekindle the spark that used to burn so passionately?  You may have a solid marriage that has weathered the storms of life, but this can still lead to complacency.  With some effort, you can ignite passion in your relationship all year long.

So many couples wait for factors to line up perfectly as in a solar eclipse before they experience the renewal of passion between them.  You can make passion as predictable as a sunrise but you’ve got to get out of your comfort zone.  You have to stretch your thinking into new areas you didn’t even know existed before.  Are you willing to change how you do things?

1. Two critical things will determine the future of your relationship.  If you’re not careful these two things will negatively influence the quality of your relationship.
2. The Information You Take In.  Positive information will attract positive circumstances.  Fill your mind up with stories of happy loving couples who enjoy being together instead of stories of hateful divorces.  Study books and attend seminars that focus on the enrichment of relationships. Everyone can learn more when it comes to relationships.  Commit yourself to learn all you can, so that you can become a great partner.
3. The People You Associate With.  Individuals or couples can either drag you down or inspire you to new heights.  Create distance between you and the negative ones.  If you can’t create distance because they are family or coworkers, at least limit the length of your interactions. I used to say to tell my clients:  “Don’t associate with any negative people!  Period!”  I have done a lot of research on this subject and I have found out you can actually associate with about four or five negative people.  For some of us, that’s just enough room to fit our families in.

Renew your resolve to make your relationship passionate.  Make a conscious decision and then take
Meaningful steps towards this goal.  Remind yourself of this goal each and every day.

1. Here are some strategies to help propel your passion for each other to new heights. Arrange for a babysitter.  Most men consider this to be the woman’s responsibilty but all women love it when the man takes the initiative.  This strategy alone will blow her doors off.  Ask family or friends to watch your children and then return the favor.
2. Run away from home.  Daily routines can douse the flames of passion.  Get away for a night or two.  Develop a friendship with a travel agent and ask them to remind you from time to time of your resolve to make your relationship a passionate one.

If money is an issue then you might want to consider friends or family members who have a vacation home or perhaps you could trade homes with someone for a weekend.

1. Tell your partner why you love him or her, not just that you do.  This could be by writing a love letter or by whispering in their ear while sitting in the movie theatre.  ( By the way guys, women crave love letters from the man she loves.)
2. Plan time to be together.  Don’t just wait for it to happen.  Passion is increased by anticipation.
3. Schedule  a date and let the two of you revel in the possibilities.  This builds up the excitement.
4. Dress up for each other.  This used to be a top priority but once we seal the deal, we tend to neglect the extra shower and the splash of cologne/ perfume.  Make the effort to present your best self.  I also encourage you to workout in order to stay in shape.  Do your best to maintain your health and your youth.

Is your relationship growing in passion?  Don’t lose the fun and excitement that should and could be yours. Start today with a conscious effort to set your passion on fire.

Warmest Regards,
Mark Webb

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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Does your marriage revolve around your children or grandchildren?  Do you and your spouse spend too much time apart?  Have you grown apart?  Imagine your marriage 20 years from now.  How is it going to be if you keep up with your current approach?  If you don’t like the thought of your future with its present course, then your marriage may need a spring cleaning.

Ernest Holmes said, “Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it.”  Have your thoughts undermined a once great relationship?  If so, you can redirect your thoughts and thus redirect the future of your marriage.  Most couples put more effort into the planning of their vacation than they do their marriage.

Remember the days of dating each other?  You couldn’t get enough of each other and gladly gave a lot of attention to your partner.  After a couple gets married they are pulled apart by things like their career and the needs of their children.  A routine develops and if the couple isn’t careful, so does a sense of boredom.

Unfortunately, your spouse tends to get blamed for the boredom.  But don’t be too quick to judge.  Simply because you have been together for a number of years doesn’t mean that you know your spouse today.  People change.  As men get older, they tend to shift focus from their career to their family.  Women tend to go in the direction of career because they have put their career pursuits on hold for the sake of their children.

The goals you had early in the marriage have probably changed.  But your partner may have the assumption that you still want things the way they were in the beginning.  Especially in the ages between 35 and 55, what’s important to you and what matters most are usually being re-evaluated.

Talk with your partner about what is really important to you.  What would make your life more satisfying?  Listen to your spouse.  Encourage them to share their views.  Be open to what they say.  Don’t be too sensitive or defensive.  Don’t be judgmental.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you overreact to what they say, your spouse isn’t going to talk to you.

Try to be accepting and positive of what your spouse has to say even if what you hear surprises you.  If you have a hard time keeping your mouth shut, I suggest you sit on your hands.  Somehow this simple behavior helps you keep quiet so that you just listen.  Remember, one good idea could be life changing to your marriage.

Be curious and eager to know your spouse all over again.  It doesn’t take both of you to do the spring cleaning, even though it helps.  You’d be surprised by what one dedicated spouse can do.  And just like the spring cleaning of your home, your marriage deserves many cleanings.  Keep your marriage fresh and alive.  Tap into your ability to dream again.  Rediscover the beauty of your husband or wife.  Take one step today towards the renewing of your marriage.  Then take another step tomorrow.  And so on and so on..

Here are some additional “cleaning solutions” for your marriage.

1. Try to see your spouse with fresh eyes.
2. Keep your mind focused on your spouse’s positive qualities.
3. Forgiveness is letting go of the past.  Forgiving yourself and your spouse is an attribute of the strong.
4. If you are keeping score of your spouse’s mistakes, you are setting your marriage up to fail.
5. Life is too short to allow boredom to infiltrate your marriage.
6. Good things often come from the difficult times.
7. Strive to genuinely understand your spouse.
8. Break your routines to keep the marriage exciting.
9. Maintain an attitude that encourages openness.
10. Strive to find the magic that is waiting to be discovered in your spouse.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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With the divorce rate as high as it is, you must do everything possible to strengthen and protect your marriage.  You can’t always have your way or give in to your feelings.  You have to discipline yourself to do the right thing.  You must do what is in the best interest of your marriage.  Here are some fundamental guidelines that can make a huge difference.

1. Be quick to listen and slow to speak.
2. Don’t always try to be right.  You cannot be right and be married.
3. Never threaten to leave or divorce.
4. Be quick to say, “I’m sorry”.
5. Don’t expect your spouse to believe all the same principles you do.  Respect their differences and them.  Love them unconditionally.
6. Build your spouse up.  Freely give encouragement and praise.  Remember… it is better to give than to receive.
7. Always side with your spouse in disputes outside of the marriage, even when they are wrong.  Respect the bond of your marriage.
8. Learn to appreciate the things your spouse does and verbalize these often.
9. Try to never go to bed angry with your spouse.
10. Start and end each day by telling your spouse that you love them.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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All couples enter into marriage with the expectation that their passion for each other will endure forever.  We believe the statistic that one out of two marriages in the United States ends up in divorce will not somehow apply to us.  All long-term relationships go through a variety of phases.  Unless you want to be one of the millions of couples who are stuck in leading dull and exciting lives you must decide to work on giving your marriage the attention it deserves.  It is possible to keep the flames of passion alive.

In the beginning, passionate feelings and romantic gestures seemed to flow without much effort.  As time goes on, we settle into routines and many couples forget to do the things that keep their passion alive.  You have to be proactive.  You must make an effort to stay connected.  You must make up your mind that you will love your spouse.  It is not something that is just going to happen.

If you want to have a passionate relationship then you need to invest your time in your spouse.  I do not believe that we forget how to be passionate towards the one we love.  We just do not make it our priority.  However, in case I need to jog our memory, I suggest you pull out photographs of when you and your spouse first met.  Study your expression.  How did you look at him?  How did you talk to her?  Could you listen to her for hours?  Did you comfort him if he was discouraged?  Remember how you carried yourself.  Remember how you used to drive twenty minutes out of your way to see her for five minutes.  Once you have recaptured these memories then make a commitment to live your today’s with your spouse in this same manner.

Let me share some more strategies on how you can keep the flames of passion alive:

1. Plan a special day together for just the two of you.  Perhaps take a day off work to do so.
2. Be playful.  Laugh together.
3. Write a love letter to your spouse.  Make it a little unpredictable.  Say things you might not ordinarily say.
4. Take walks together.  Consider a walk on a moonlit night.
5. Take turns initiating affection so that it does not always fall under the responsibility of the same partner.
6. Go on a picnic.
7. Go to a romantic restaurant from time to time, not always to a family buffet.
8. Have candlelight dinners at home.
9. Watch romantic movies.
10. Go on a weekend getaway.
11. Hold hands.
12. Hold your spouse in such a way that he/she knows you care.
13. Slow dance to music.
14. Send your wife flowers for no other reason than to let her know you love her.  (If your wife pays the bills, pay for the flowers at the florist yourself.  Do not let the bill come home for her to have to write a check for her own flowers.

You might say, “But Mark, we have children and we are constantly on the go.”  Here are some strategies you can implement:

1. Make sure the children go to bed at a decent hour so you will have time together alone.
2. If you have teenagers, plan Saturday morning dates when they tend to sleep in.
3. A date does not have to mean dinner and a movie.  A date can be anything that gives you an opportunity to concentrate on each other.  From my experience, a standard date night does not work well for couples with children.
4. Create a romantic atmosphere in your home.  This may be as simple as lighting candles or dimming the lights.
5. Always give your spouse a goodbye hug and kiss before leaving in the morning.
6. When you return home, always greet your spouse first, even though the children will run to the door first.
7. Say,  “I love you ” often.
8. Save some of your best self each day for your spouse.  Do not give them the leftovers.
9. Look at old photographs and reminisce together.
10. Respect your spouse even when you disagree.  Never belittle your spouse, whether or not others are around.

If you want good health, you must eat right and exercise.  If you want a marriage that embraces passion, you must take the time to enjoy the company of the person you love.  I believe that passion can be recaptured and grow to unimaginable dimensions.  Decide to be a passionate spouse.

Start today.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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Angry feelings are a part of almost everyone’s life. Sometimes anger plays a small part without any problems. Other times, however, it becomes a large part of our lives. We may become rigid, mistrustful, or filled with rage. Anger is a common emotion but it can be difficult to deal with. Quite often we have not been taught how to deal with our anger. We may have been shown how to deal with anger and it is usually shown in appropriate ways. We may have heard that it is not good to be angry.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™. Sign up for Mark Webb’s Relationship Strategies Ezine ($100 Value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com

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Angry feelings are a part of almost everyone’s life. Sometimes anger plays a small part without any problems. Other times, however, it becomes a large part of our lives. We may become rigid, mistrustful, or filled with rage. Anger is a common emotion but it can be difficult to deal with. Quite often we have not been taught how to deal with our anger. We may have been shown how to deal with anger and it is usually shown in appropriate ways. We may have heard that it is not good to be angry.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™. Sign up for Mark Webb’s Relationship Strategies Ezine ($100 Value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com

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Angry feelings are a part of almost everyone’s life. Sometimes anger plays a small part without any problems. Other times, however, it becomes a large part of our lives. We may become rigid, mistrustful, or filled with rage. Anger is a common emotion but it can be difficult to deal with. Quite often we have not been taught how to deal with our anger. We may have been shown how to deal with anger and it is usually shown in appropriate ways. We may have heard that it is not good to be angry.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™. Sign up for Mark Webbs Relationship Strategies Ezine ($100 Value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com

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Angry feelings are a part of almost everyone’s life. Sometimes anger plays a small part without any problems. Other times, however, it becomes a large part of our lives. We may become rigid, mistrustful, or filled with rage. Anger is a common emotion but it can be difficult to deal with. Quite often we have not been taught how to deal with our anger. We may have been shown how to deal with anger and it is usually shown in appropriate ways. We may have heard that it is not good to be angry.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™. Sign up for Mark Webbs Relationship Strategies Ezine ($100 Value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com

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