Were you taught to be strong, to always keep going regardless of the pain?  Do you listen to the well-intended advice to “get over it”?  Pushing your feelings to the side or covering them up is a good short-term solution, or so it falsely appears.  The problem arises when we continue to push these feelings down day after day, week after week and year after year.  Whenever you avoid dealing with your emotions, they eventually will pile up to a point that the feelings will overwhelm you.  Holding onto resentments, grief, guilt, shame and will set you up to have problems with depression, anxiety and physical symptoms such as headaches, high blood pressure, and stomach problems.

No one is immune to their feelings.  By avoiding our feelings, we begin to distort how we see ourselves; how we view relationships and how we see the world we live in.  It’s OK to be strong, but the complete statement needs to be “I can be strong and still have my needs and my feelings.”

It is not a sign of weakness to acknowledge your feelings.  There are both appropriate and inappropriate ways to share your feelings.  When you are having tough times in life, there are often people around you who can provide the comfort and support you need.  You must learn to seek them out.  Do not set yourself up as an island fortress.  Seek out friends, family members, church leaders, and your human resource department at work or local therapists through either the public or private practices.

You have a responsibility to yourself and those you care about to take care of yourself.  This includes your emotional well being.  You are bigger than your feelings regardless as to how intense they may seem.  Your secrets make you sick.  Seek freedom from your pain.  Allow yourself to process your feelings.  You’ll be glad you did.  The truth will set you free.   Remember, we are all in this together.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

The holiday season is now upon us. Often the holiday blues come along with the Christmas cheer. We all have the blues at one time or another but the blues are especially common during the Christmas season. It is also common for the blues to progress into a severe depression during this time of year.

What is the difference between the blues and a severe depression? Depression is a persistent disturbance in mood in which feelings of sadness, loneliness, disappointment and hopelessness are usually common. Some of the symptoms are:

1. A significant increase or decrease in appetite.

2. A change in sleeping habits.

3. Feelings of restlessness or being slowed down.

4. Loss of energy or fatigue.

5. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt.

6. Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities.

7. Poor concentration or inability to make decisions.

8. Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

The most obvious indicator is when a person starts making comments suggesting suicidal thoughts, such as “Life has lost its meaning for me.” “Nobody needs me anymore.” “My family would be better off without me.” No indicator of suicide should be taken lightly.

Depression can hit anyone. It is common among all levels of society. We all have difficulty coping with things at some time or another, so how can we avoid the blues? Some suggestions for avoiding the holiday blues are:

Concentrate on the positive aspects of ourselves, others and the situations we face.

Ask for help from family and friends – let our needs be known.

Look for activities for involvement –charitable work is an excellent choice.

Visit friends, family and those less fortunate.

Eat right and get enough rest.

Allow time for fun and relaxation.

Be patient with yourself and with others.

Manage your time and tasks.

Talk about thoughts and feelings with others.

Be open and honest with yourself and with others.

How can we help our loved ones who are suffering with depression? This is a common struggle for those involved. Some helpful suggestions are:

1. Be a good listener. Allow the depressed person to unload his/her thoughts and feelings without making judgments.

2. Look for opportunities to give genuine praise.

3. Be sincerely interested and understanding.

4. Do not constantly correct the depressed person. She/He is already struggling with enough guilt.

5. Make supportive comments such as, “We love you.” “You look a lot better today.” And “I don’t fully understand but I would like to help.”

6. Spend time with the depressed person and encourage him/her to get involved in activities.

Support may also mean helping the depressed person to find proper professional help. A good rule of thumb is that if depression persists over a period of more than one month and/or involves intense symptoms, professional intervention should be considered. Even though it is often frightening to seek professional help, depression should not go untreated. When it gets to the point where something has to change, I can help you make the changes!!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!!

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

• Don’t Rally the Troops.  This means don’t go around and talk with all of your partner’s friends, family, co-workers and worst of all, your religious leader.  Men are especially prone to do this.  This is a form of emotional manipulation based on guilt and shame and tends to only push your partner further away.
• Don’t Fish For Reassurance.  This no-no is a search for a ray of hope from the words “I love you too”.  Don’t bait your partner with the proclamation “I love you”.  This forces them to respond with “I love you too” which they don’t want to say.  They may not give any response, which really hurts.
• Don’t Repeatedly Ask Your Partner To Come Back To You.  Each time you ask you are usually setting your chances back for another week.
• Don’t Call.  Don’t Drive By.  Don’t Show Up At Their Work.  Exercise a lot of restraint.  This is very hard but it is crucial.
• Don’t Try To Figure This Out By Yourself.  Get a therapist or an equivalent to help you process your feelings and to develop the best approach.  Telling everyone the business of your relationship will only undermine your goal and most likely make you look stupid.
• Don’t Try To Be A Detective.  Snooping around is a violation of their personal space.  Don’t go through their dressers, their e-mail, or their car. Just because they aren’t feeling close to you doesn’t mean that there is someone else.
• Don’t Send Your Best Friend As Your Ambassador.  This approach works better than you going but you have to consider that you are only trying to gain leverage versus respecting their need for space and time.
• Don’t Try To Make Them Jealous.  If you do this you are playing games and not seriously making an effort to hear the needs of your partner.  You’re also playing with other people’s emotions.
• Don’t’ Talk Bad About Your Partner.  Saying negative things about your partner or trying to get people to side with you by telling your partner’s faults or private matters is unforgivable.
• Don’t Display Temper Tantrums.  A lot of people use aggression to get their way but this reinforces your partner’s notion of why they left in the first place.
• Don’t Use Children As Pawns.  Children are effective tools to play with your partner’s heart.  However, this does damage to the children and your partner will grow to hate you.  Stop trying to get your way and begin doing the right thing.
• Don’t Be Inconsistent.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com