Do You Have Trouble Keeping Your Mouth Shut When You Are Angry?

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”  If you answered yes to the title question I am sure you have realized the truth in this quote by Ambrose Bierce.  In order to gain control over your tongue you must be determined to see things differently.  People who lose their temper tend to view life in a negative and judgmental way.  You have the ability to direct your mind away from angry and upset feelings.  You need to realize that you can have peace of mind instead of conflict.
This article will cover a variety of mindsets and behaviors that will teach you how to keep your mouth shut when you are angry.

1. Be quick to listen and slow to speak.  Remember that you have two ears and only one mouth.  Use them in this proportion.  It’s better to be a good listener than to be a good speaker.  Listen carefully to what the other person has to say.  Take your time before giving them an answer.
2. Don’t be double minded.  You can’t have peace of mind and conflict at the same time.  Be clearly focused on the outcome that you want.  (Example: “I want to go to bed tonight feeling close to my partner.”).
3. You can’t be right and be married.  You have to decide “Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?”  Trying to be right will destroy the connection between you.  Instead, strive to do the right thing.
4. Don’t jump to conclusions.  Slow down and think through the situation.
5. Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head.  I often hear people say, “I cannot keep from saying the thoughts I have.”  You can and you must.
6. As I was writing this, my daughter reminded me of Thumper’s quote in the movie, “Bambi”.  “If you can’t say something nice…don’t say nothing at all.”  This is always good advice.
7. Don’t overreact to criticism.  Beneath the criticism is an underlying message.  Criticism is a smoke screen for deeper feelings.  I compare criticism to cheese on a mousetrap.  What happens when the mouse takes the cheese?  He gets his tail caught in the trap.  That’s what happens when you take the bait of criticism.  Don’t take the bait.  Listen for the underlying message.
8. Stay away from negative thoughts and statements like, “I hate this!”  “This is driving me crazy!” “I can’t stand this!”  These types of statements are like throwing gasoline on a fire.  You are making it much more intense.  Replace these with positive declarations such as “I can handle this.” “This is not that big of a deal.”  “I have unshakeable peace of mind.”  “Nothing bothers me.”  Your thoughts will direct your emotions.  Choose positive thoughts that help you keep your peace.
9. If someone uses absolute terms like “always”, “never”, “everybody”, and “nobody”; don’t take them literally.  These are emotional terms.  If your wife says “You never take me anywhere.”  and you know that’s not true; don’t take it as a personal attack.  Try and hear her underlying request that she needs to know she is special and she wants to spend some time with you.
10. Don’t overreact and don’t give advice too quickly.  This only trains people not to be open with you.
11. Don’t try to get in the last word.  It’s not worth the damage you could do by trying to win or be heard.
12. If you are angry repeat this scripture based verse in your head, “In all things be self controlled.”  Say it over and over so that you don’t get derailed into an argument.
13. There is life and death in the spoken word.  Make sure your words build people up versus tearing them down.
14. Remember to breathe.  Stick with the basics.  When you are upset, take a few deep breaths.
15. Strive to use an approach that promotes honor and respect.  This can make the difference between a twenty minute argument and a 3 day war.
16. Realize that your anger most likely is not going to help solve the problem and may actually make the matter worse.
17. Calmness will help you get to the heart of the matter.  This leads to conflict resolution.  Trying to be right or show your might will lead to conflict.
18. Staying connected is more important than making your point.

The only one who is responsible for the way your life works out is you.  You cannot change the past, but you can take responsibility for your future.  All it takes is a decision.  Decide to live a life of discipline rather than one of regret.  Remember that discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons.  Develop the power of a tamed tongue.

Best of Wishes,

Mark Webb

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The world has a lot of negative people in it. Are you one of them? Do you expect the worst from situations? Do you criticize more often than praise? It does not have to be this way. A positive attitude can be as simple as changing the way you look at things.

The solution is simple but changing old belief patterns is not always easy to do. Most of us have been stuck in old belief patterns for quite some time. The problem with negative patterns is that they do not get us what we want out of life.

For example, we often believe the events of our past can pretty much predict our futures. With this being the case, we spend a lot of time worrying about our past and our future. By doing this we miss the opportunity to enjoy today.

So how do we learn to live in the here and now? What we often forget, is that we have a choice. We can choose to experience happiness instead of getting caught up in the chaos of negative thinking. Making the goal of peace of mind and happiness your single most important goal. When you catch yourself falling back into old negative ways, switch your focus back to your goal.

Other factors are also involved. For instance, we spent a lot of time trying to control others; their thoughts, their feelings, and their actions. We can only change how we see the world, other people and ourselves. Once again it boils down to what we choose to do.

We can also learn to see the goodness in ourselves, our relationships and in our work place. Happiness will come easier this way as opposed to finding fault in our world.

A part of having a positive lifestyle is sharing it with others. So you remember how good it feels to do something for someone else without being asked to do it. This is what is called an unconditional gift of love. Look for opportunities to do good deeds for others or give them praise for their abilities. Goodwill can be contagious.

Another factor needed for true happiness is forgiveness. Forgiveness is more than just telling someone, “I forgive you”, it comes from sincere intentions. This will free us from our negative feelings such as guilt, sadness, fear, anger and resentment.

Knowing these principles is one thing, living them is another. It takes time to change old ways of thinking but it is worth the time and effort. If we are willing to work at being consistent in what we think say and do, true happiness will be ours.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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Do you ever get the feeling that something in your life is missing?  That you’re not reaching your fullest potential?  Are you plagued by unresolved issues from your past?  One of the biggest mistakes we make in life is closing ourselves up emotionally.  We attempt to deny that the emotional pain is inside.  We run from it as hard as we can.  However, as much as we try to hide from these feelings, they still follow us everywhere we go.  Hence, the term “emotional baggage.”

Were you taught to be strong, to always keep going regardless of the pain?  Do you listen to the well-intended advice to “get over it”?  Pushing your feelings to the side or covering them up is a good short-term solution, or so it falsely appears.  The problem arises when we continue to push these feelings down day after day, week after week and year after year.  Whenever you avoid dealing with your emotions, they eventually will pile up to a point that the feelings will overwhelm you.  Holding onto resentments, grief, guilt, shame and will set you up to have problems with depression, anxiety and physical symptoms such as headaches, high blood pressure, and stomach problems.

No one is immune to their feelings.  By avoiding our feelings, we begin to distort how we see ourselves; how we view relationships and how we see the world we live in.  It’s OK to be strong, but the complete statement needs to be “I can be strong and still have my needs and my feelings.”

It is not a sign of weakness to acknowledge your feelings.  There are both appropriate and inappropriate ways to share your feelings.  When you are having tough times in life, there are often people around you who can provide the comfort and support you need.  You must learn to seek them out.  Do not set yourself up as an island fortress.  Seek out friends, family members, church leaders, and your human resource department at work or local therapists through either the public or private practices.

You have a responsibility to yourself and those you care about to take care of yourself.  This includes your emotional well being.  You are bigger than your feelings regardless as to how intense they may seem.  Your secrets make you sick.  Seek freedom from your pain.  Allow yourself to process your feelings.  You’ll be glad you did.  The truth will set you free.   Remember, we are all in this together.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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Many of us struggle with the problem of our own shyness.  This problem often keeps us from being a part of our world.  We want to make a visible difference but we do not do it.  In addition to shyness, we struggle with fears of rejection, low self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness and being overly self conscious.  All of these factors keep us from showing up in our world.

We tell ourselves that if we could just change our weak points then we could make a difference.  If only we had more money, a college degree, better looks, more experience, etc..then we could let the world know about us.  Maybe there are only a couple of areas which could use some changing.  Regardless, we tell ourselves these things and then we justify reasons why we cannot or do not have them.

If we continue to hide, then we are sure to lose out on all the good things life as to offer.  When we do not take the risk to become more involved we are denying ourselves the opportunity to grow.  This leaves us feeling afraid, immature, and mistrusting.  The longer we continue this pattern of avoidance the smaller our world becomes because we will eventually become comfortable with fewer and fewer situations.

So whether we are aware of it or not, we come across opportunities to grow on a daily basis.  In order to make an impact we have to get started with what we have.  Stop waiting for this, this and this to happen before we begin.  Maybe we are already visible to some degree.  If this is the case then we have to challenge ourselves to become even more visible.  Only the individual knows the secret to what keeps them from letting others know them.  What is it that is keeping you from letting others know you?

By making a visible statement we are telling others that we feel good about who we are and we’re not afraid to let them know us.  This challenge will require courage.  Courage comes from when we are afraid to do something but we do it anyway because we know it is for our own good.  This new way of presenting ourselves will get easier with time.  People will know us as individuals with integrity and they will respect us for it.

Just remember, we grow as individuals when we take risks to become our best selves.  Feelings of great happiness will come from our efforts because we will know that we are taking control of our personal power.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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Every marriage will go through times of challenge. Some marriages will be strengthened while others will be destroyed. Tough times may be as common as financial problems or the aftermath of a hurtful argument. Marriages may suffer as the result of a miscarriage or the death of a loved one. Whatever challenge you face, remember this:

It is better to be prepared for tough times and not have them, than to have tough times and not be prepared.

Here are five of the essential principles to strengthen your relationship and give you an edge during times of adversity.

1. Be Mindful Not To Worry. If something needs to be fixed, fix it if you can but remember that worry never fixes anything. Worrying is a waste of time and energy. It’s like sitting in a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it gets you nowhere. Worry prevents you from seeing hope and solutions. Besides, most things we worry about never happen.
   
2. Be Patient Towards Your Partner. Patience is an excellent remedy for the tough times you will go through. You love your partner so don’t choose the moments of crisis to come down on them. Don’t let stress sway you into losing perspective. Realize that if you are not careful, adversity can damage your relationship. Stay away from blaming, using criticism to make a point, lecturing, sarcasm and name calling. Everything becomes possible again when love and patience are present.
   
3. Practice Forgiveness…It is amazing how quickly someone will turn on the person they love. Don’t let upset feelings infect your relationship. Resentments close the door on the possibility of a bright future. Love is a continous act of forgiveness. Everybody likes the idea of forgiveness until they have to be the one to forgive. If you want your relationship to be better than most, you must instill this habit of forgiveness.
   
4. Use Your Sense Of Humor. A laughing couple is much stronger than an arguing or withdrawn couple. If you can find humor in the challenge you are facing you can survive it. Laughter dissapates hopelessness. You cannot argue and laugh at the same time. It is impossible. The choice is up to you.
   
5. Vow To Stay Connected. Stand together against adversity. Promise to endure throughout the storms that most likely will come your way at some point or another. Staying connected takes practice. People commonly choose to withdraw from each other at times of trouble. This distance may feel safer but it does long term damage to the relationship. If you truly love your partner then vow “We will get through this, Together!”

You are the only one who is responsible for your character. Do not let other people or circumstances determine your actions. If there is goodness in your relationship, then it is worth fighting for. Give your partner a message of committed reassurance. Let them know, “I’m Here For You.” and “We Will Get Through This.”

Things To Keep In Mind During The Tough Times:

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Getting Through The Tough Times In Your Relationship

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With the divorce rate as high as it is, you must do everything possible to strengthen and protect your marriage.  You can’t always have your way or give in to your feelings.  You have to discipline yourself to do the right thing.  You must do what is in the best interest of your marriage.  Here are some fundamental guidelines that can make a huge difference.

1. Be quick to listen and slow to speak.
2. Don’t always try to be right.  You cannot be right and be married.
3. Never threaten to leave or divorce.
4. Be quick to say, “I’m sorry”.
5. Don’t expect your spouse to believe all the same principles you do.  Respect their differences and them.  Love them unconditionally.
6. Build your spouse up.  Freely give encouragement and praise.  Remember… it is better to give than to receive.
7. Always side with your spouse in disputes outside of the marriage, even when they are wrong.  Respect the bond of your marriage.
8. Learn to appreciate the things your spouse does and verbalize these often.
9. Try to never go to bed angry with your spouse.
10. Start and end each day by telling your spouse that you love them.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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A woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream.  The next day she met another traveler who was hungry and the woman opened her bag to share her food.  The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him.  She did so without hesitation.  The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune.  He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime.  But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the woman.

“I’ve been thinking” he said, “I know how valuable the stone is, but I will give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious.  Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone.”

Giving is one of the greatest character building exercises on the planet.  When you give of yourself without expectations of return you expand in your ability to love.  A sense of abundance develops.  A win-win situation is created because everybody gains.  This type of thinking goes against what most people believe.  Most people believe that if you give, then you have less.  Instead of a sense of abundance and prosperity, they experience a sense of scarcity.  People who think in these terms tend to struggle with fear, frustration, depression, illness, and anger.

Recall the last time you did something for someone else.  Do you remember that feeling of happiness you experienced?  When you give, you always receive as well.

If you are feeling unhappy and empty, I suggest that you seek out someone or a group in need.  And then look for ways to fill their needs.  By giving, you receive feelings of love and happiness which will replace your sense of emptiness.

The quality of your life can be measured by what you give.

—Givers are happier people—

Anne Frank said, “No one has ever become poor by giving.”  John D. Rockefeller Jr. considered giving a “privilege” and Albert Einstein viewed giving as “every man’s obligation”.

I challenge you to develop an attitude of service.  Look to your spouse and children as a place to start and then branch out to other areas of the community.  Giving can be simple or complex.  Either way, remember it is better to give than to receive.

Here are some ideas to get you going:

• Pick up trash
• Speak kindly to a cashier
• Pay for someone else’s meal behind you at a drive thru.
• Call an old friend to say hello.
• Visit someone who is shut in or recovering from surgery.
• Volunteer to work at schools, churches, community organizations, etc…
• Visit someone in a nursing home.
• Donate books to the library.
• Teach someone to read.
• Donate clothes or household items.
• Support our troops.
• Grow your hair and donate it to Locks of Love, an organization that makes wigs for children/people who lose their hair during cancer treatment.

The possibilities for giving are endless.  That feeling you get when you give is tremendous.  Be a cheerful giver and look for ways to lighten the load for someone else.  Have a Great Day!

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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One of the things I love most about being The Relationship Specialist is that I get to empower relationships.  I particularly love to teach men how to be their best so that their women totally adore them.  Here are some of the essential principles for becoming a great husband.

• Listen To Her Feelings.  You might not understand or agree but listen.  Most men argue or get frustrated.  A great husband conveys unconditional support to his wife.  He makes it safe for her to share all sides of herself.
• Spend Time With Her.  Let your actions clearly show that your wife is your greatest priority.  She needs to know that she is special to you.  Most men choose sports, T.V. or hunting/fishing.  You can have these things but if your wife doesn’t know she comes first in your life then she may resent your other pursuits.
• Be Her Champion.  Your wife needs to feel your strength and security.  “I’m here for you” is the point you want to make.  Despite other messages she may give you, women hate having to be in charge all of the time.  Great husbands stand by their wives no matter what.
• Let Her Know That You Are Captivated By Her Beauty.  Great husbands let their wives know that they only have eyes for her.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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As a therapist, I regularly counsel with men and women who are suffering with a broken heart.  They tearfully plead their sincerity.  Unfortunately, their fear often takes the lead of their focus and they switch to merely trying to figure out the formula or combination to get their partners to take them back again.  They would rather get their own way versus doing the right thing.  Be mature.  Be consistent.  Follow this advice.

• Don’t Rally the Troops.  This means don’t go around and talk with all of your partner’s friends, family, co-workers and worst of all, your religious leader.  Men are especially prone to do this.  This is a form of emotional manipulation based on guilt and shame and tends to only push your partner further away.
• Don’t Fish For Reassurance.  This no-no is a search for a ray of hope from the words “I love you too”.  Don’t bait your partner with the proclamation “I love you”.  This forces them to respond with “I love you too” which they don’t want to say.  They may not give any response, which really hurts.
• Don’t Repeatedly Ask Your Partner To Come Back To You.  Each time you ask you are usually setting your chances back for another week.
• Don’t Call.  Don’t Drive By.  Don’t Show Up At Their Work.  Exercise a lot of restraint.  This is very hard but it is crucial.
• Don’t Try To Figure This Out By Yourself.  Get a therapist or an equivalent to help you process your feelings and to develop the best approach.  Telling everyone the business of your relationship will only undermine your goal and most likely make you look stupid.
• Don’t Try To Be A Detective.  Snooping around is a violation of their personal space.  Don’t go through their dressers, their e-mail, or their car. Just because they aren’t feeling close to you doesn’t mean that there is someone else.
• Don’t Send Your Best Friend As Your Ambassador.  This approach works better than you going but you have to consider that you are only trying to gain leverage versus respecting their need for space and time.
• Don’t Try To Make Them Jealous.  If you do this you are playing games and not seriously making an effort to hear the needs of your partner.  You’re also playing with other people’s emotions.
• Don’t’ Talk Bad About Your Partner.  Saying negative things about your partner or trying to get people to side with you by telling your partner’s faults or private matters is unforgivable.
• Don’t Display Temper Tantrums.  A lot of people use aggression to get their way but this reinforces your partner’s notion of why they left in the first place.
• Don’t Use Children As Pawns.  Children are effective tools to play with your partner’s heart.  However, this does damage to the children and your partner will grow to hate you.  Stop trying to get your way and begin doing the right thing.
• Don’t Be Inconsistent.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com

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