Ernest Holmes said, “Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it.”  Have your thoughts undermined a once great relationship?  If so, you can redirect your thoughts and thus redirect the future of your marriage.  Most couples put more effort into the planning of their vacation than they do their marriage.

Remember the days of dating each other?  You couldn’t get enough of each other and gladly gave a lot of attention to your partner.  After a couple gets married they are pulled apart by things like their career and the needs of their children.  A routine develops and if the couple isn’t careful, so does a sense of boredom.

Unfortunately, your spouse tends to get blamed for the boredom.  But don’t be too quick to judge.  Simply because you have been together for a number of years doesn’t mean that you know your spouse today.  People change.  As men get older, they tend to shift focus from their career to their family.  Women tend to go in the direction of career because they have put their career pursuits on hold for the sake of their children.

The goals you had early in the marriage have probably changed.  But your partner may have the assumption that you still want things the way they were in the beginning.  Especially in the ages between 35 and 55, what’s important to you and what matters most are usually being re-evaluated.

Talk with your partner about what is really important to you.  What would make your life more satisfying?  Listen to your spouse.  Encourage them to share their views.  Be open to what they say.  Don’t be too sensitive or defensive.  Don’t be judgmental.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you overreact to what they say, your spouse isn’t going to talk to you.

Try to be accepting and positive of what your spouse has to say even if what you hear surprises you.  If you have a hard time keeping your mouth shut, I suggest you sit on your hands.  Somehow this simple behavior helps you keep quiet so that you just listen.  Remember, one good idea could be life changing to your marriage.

Be curious and eager to know your spouse all over again.  It doesn’t take both of you to do the spring cleaning, even though it helps.  You’d be surprised by what one dedicated spouse can do.  And just like the spring cleaning of your home, your marriage deserves many cleanings.  Keep your marriage fresh and alive.  Tap into your ability to dream again.  Rediscover the beauty of your husband or wife.  Take one step today towards the renewing of your marriage.  Then take another step tomorrow.  And so on and so on..

Here are some additional “cleaning solutions” for your marriage.

1. Try to see your spouse with fresh eyes.
2. Keep your mind focused on your spouse’s positive qualities.
3. Forgiveness is letting go of the past.  Forgiving yourself and your spouse is an attribute of the strong.
4. If you are keeping score of your spouse’s mistakes, you are setting your marriage up to fail.
5. Life is too short to allow boredom to infiltrate your marriage.
6. Good things often come from the difficult times.
7. Strive to genuinely understand your spouse.
8. Break your routines to keep the marriage exciting.
9. Maintain an attitude that encourages openness.
10. Strive to find the magic that is waiting to be discovered in your spouse.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

In the beginning, passionate feelings and romantic gestures seemed to flow without much effort.  As time goes on, we settle into routines and many couples forget to do the things that keep their passion alive.  You have to be proactive.  You must make an effort to stay connected.  You must make up your mind that you will love your spouse.  It is not something that is just going to happen.

If you want to have a passionate relationship then you need to invest your time in your spouse.  I do not believe that we forget how to be passionate towards the one we love.  We just do not make it our priority.  However, in case I need to jog our memory, I suggest you pull out photographs of when you and your spouse first met.  Study your expression.  How did you look at him?  How did you talk to her?  Could you listen to her for hours?  Did you comfort him if he was discouraged?  Remember how you carried yourself.  Remember how you used to drive twenty minutes out of your way to see her for five minutes.  Once you have recaptured these memories then make a commitment to live your today’s with your spouse in this same manner.

Let me share some more strategies on how you can keep the flames of passion alive:

1. Plan a special day together for just the two of you.  Perhaps take a day off work to do so.
2. Be playful.  Laugh together.
3. Write a love letter to your spouse.  Make it a little unpredictable.  Say things you might not ordinarily say.
4. Take walks together.  Consider a walk on a moonlit night.
5. Take turns initiating affection so that it does not always fall under the responsibility of the same partner.
6. Go on a picnic.
7. Go to a romantic restaurant from time to time, not always to a family buffet.
8. Have candlelight dinners at home.
9. Watch romantic movies.
10. Go on a weekend getaway.
11. Hold hands.
12. Hold your spouse in such a way that he/she knows you care.
13. Slow dance to music.
14. Send your wife flowers for no other reason than to let her know you love her.  (If your wife pays the bills, pay for the flowers at the florist yourself.  Do not let the bill come home for her to have to write a check for her own flowers.

You might say, “But Mark, we have children and we are constantly on the go.”  Here are some strategies you can implement:

1. Make sure the children go to bed at a decent hour so you will have time together alone.
2. If you have teenagers, plan Saturday morning dates when they tend to sleep in.
3. A date does not have to mean dinner and a movie.  A date can be anything that gives you an opportunity to concentrate on each other.  From my experience, a standard date night does not work well for couples with children.
4. Create a romantic atmosphere in your home.  This may be as simple as lighting candles or dimming the lights.
5. Always give your spouse a goodbye hug and kiss before leaving in the morning.
6. When you return home, always greet your spouse first, even though the children will run to the door first.
7. Say,  “I love you ” often.
8. Save some of your best self each day for your spouse.  Do not give them the leftovers.
9. Look at old photographs and reminisce together.
10. Respect your spouse even when you disagree.  Never belittle your spouse, whether or not others are around.

If you want good health, you must eat right and exercise.  If you want a marriage that embraces passion, you must take the time to enjoy the company of the person you love.  I believe that passion can be recaptured and grow to unimaginable dimensions.  Decide to be a passionate spouse.

Start today.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

1. Remember that it is an adjustment to being together. Give it time. Working out the questions of who is going to do what and how should it be done can cause conflict. Questions like, ” Who is going to pay the bills?” “Who is going to clean the bathrooms?” “Which church are we going to attend?” must be answered. Don’t let these adjustment challenges come between you and the one you love.
2. Embrace your spouse’s differences versus criticizing them or trying to change them. Be your spouse’s biggest fan. Stay away from stereotypes that your partner won’t be able to fulfill. You will break their spirit if you expect them to be just like your mom, your dad, or someone else you admire. Be appreciative of your spouse. It takes time for a marriage to mature.
3. Fortify your commitment to each other. Never threaten divorce. You’ll probably think about it at some point in your marriage but don’t ever say it. (This does not apply to situations that involve abuse.) Threatening divorce will dilute the commitment between you. Your message needs to be, “I’m Here For You No Matter What.”
4. Don’t let friends, parents, or in-laws interfere with your marriage. You are inviting trouble if you do. Be quick to set limits with people who try and interfere with your marriage. By not speaking up you will be setting yourselves up to have your marriage undermined. You and your spouse need to establish your own expectations for your marriage.
5. Try not to go to bed angry. Staying connected to each other is more important. However, if you catch yourselves in a situation in which emotions are too high, you may have to back off and readdress the matter at a later time. Conflict if handled properly can be productive. Promise to fight fairly and do the right thing even if you don’t feel like it.

Keep These Points In Mind At Times Of Conflict

* Don’t Yell
* Don’t Out Talk Them
* Don’t Use Profanity
* Don’t Interrupt
* Don’t Name Call
* Don’t Dismiss Their Ideas As Stupid
* Don’t throw all of your problems into the conflict.
* Don’t Forget That You Love Each Other.
* Try and stick to the subject at hand.

6. Get away with each other about every 6 to 8 weeks. This means by yourselves. No friends, no parents, and no children. I know this is easier said than done but it doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. It can be a simple day trip to a near-by town or state park. So near-by or far away, just go. My Marriage and Family Therapy Professor at Valdosta State University, Dr. John Curtis, used to teach us that this is one of the best ways to keep your marriage fresh and alive.

If you are a newlywed, practice these principles. If you’ve been married for a while, recommit yourself to these principles. Strive To Have A Wonderful Marriage.

Best Of Wishes,
Mark Webb

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

The courtship process is crucial.  It gives you and your partner an opportunity to sort out if you are suitable for each other.  A couple of questions you can use to decide if a potential partner is right for you are:

a) Would I want to have a child with this person?
b) Would I be willing to spend my life with this person if they never changed from the way they are now?

Choosing the right partner needs to center around finding a person with good character.  Remember, beauty fades and a charming personality won’t pay the bills.  As a rule of thumb, don’t date anyone you know you wouldn’t want to marry because you never know whom you’ll fall in love with.

Scarlet O’Hara, in Gone with the Wind said, “I can’t think about that now.  I’ll go crazy if I do.  I’ll think about it tomorrow.”  It’s this kind of thinking that gets you into all sorts of trouble.  Pay attention to your instincts.  Warning!! Where there is smoke, there is usually fire.  Here are some of the common things to watch out for:

·        Someone who wants everything now.
·        A fiery temper.
·        Being too picky.
·        Your family doesn’t like him or her.
·        Wanting someone to take care of them.
·        They mistreat other people.
·        They are not over a past love.
·        Any kind of “holic”.
·        People who are mentally and/or emotionally unavailable.
·        Someone who holds grudges.
·        They don’t listen.
·        They don’t call to say they are running late.
·        They have an “it doesn’t matter” attitude.
·        One wants children and the other doesn’t.
·        Incompatible spiritual beliefs.

Few couples, if any, are completely united when the marriage vows are spoken.  The real union develops in the work of the years to come.  When a man and woman marry, they become One.  The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.  Couples need to learn how to make room for their differences and to allow them to peacefully co-exist.  When a couple is strongly connected, all problems become manageable.  When a couple isn’t connected, the smallest challenges seem insurmountable.

If you wait until you are ready for marriage, you never will be.  Marriage is on the job training.  Here are some strategies for becoming Mr. or Mrs. Right.

·        Be kind no matter what.
·        Listen, and then comment if necessary.
·        Commit yourself to your partner.
·        Be respectful.
·        Be quick to apologize and forgive.
·        Remember all holidays and anniversaries
·        Say, “Thank you” and “I love you” often.
·        Decide to be a Great Partner
·        Make your partner’s happiness a priority.

Here is a living example of a Right Couple:

Winston Churchill once attended a formal banquet in which the distinguished guests were asked the question, “If you could not be who you are, who would you like to be?”

Everyone was curious as to how Churchill would answer.  When his turn finally came, he stood and said, “If I could not be who I am, I would most like to be” and he paused to take his wife’s hand  “Lady Churchill’s second husband.”

People with dissatisfying relationships expect a great one to magically show up.  Couples with a great relationship look for ways to make it satisfying.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com