Change can be hard.  Continually coming up with new excuses as to why you don’t change can be even harder.  Since making changes can be uncomfortable most of us master the path of procrastination.  This path leads to putting off the changes you really would like to make, one more month, one more year, then another, and so on.

Fortunately for us God has established universal laws that keep the world in order.  An example is the law of gravity.  You know with certainty that if you drop your car keys that they are going to fall downward.  Another example is the earth’s revolving within a twenty four hour period.  You don’t have to think about these laws, they just happen.

A law that can help even the greatest of excuse-makers is the Law of Incremental Improvement.  Another way of saying this is “constant and never ending improvement”. Robert Schuller said it in this manner, “By the yard it’s hard but by the inch it’s a cinch.”  I think it is best explained by success expert, Brian Tracy.  He put it in terms that make it easy for anyone to apply.  Every day strive to do at least a ½ % more effort.”  Tracy encourages.

I like this because the impossible begins to look possible.  Most of us think of our changes at the final stage of accomplishment.  We observe the distance from where we are now and where we want to end up and immediately start talking ourselves out of our desired change.  “That’s too big of a jump.”  “I can’t do all of that.”  We ask questions that promote doubt and discouragement.  “Do I really want to do this?”  “Am I even capable of achieving my goal?”

So, here is how to apply the ½ % more technique.  Suppose you are out of shape and you want to start an exercise program.  A ½ % effort may be getting off the couch, walking out to your garage, and touching your barbells with your big toe; then walk back into the house.  That’s about a ½ % effort.  The next day you may lift the barbell once.  Each day builds on the day before.

Perhaps you want to walk on your treadmill which has been used as a place to hang your ironing.  The first day may be simply turning it on and then off again.  The next day may be standing on it.  The third day may be walking for only one minute.  Do you see how easy this is?  Imagine where either of these examples will be in one month.  Both will be well on their way towards fitness.

Do you want to be happier?  How could you apply the ½ % more approach?  You could start with a smile but actually a ½ % may look more like a smirk to begin with.  A smile may be the second day’s effort.  Each day increase your level of effort by another ½ %.  In a relatively short period of time, you will be telling jokes, laughing and interacting with others.

This can be applied to any area of your life.  You may start with listening more to your children, spending more time with your parents or calling up old friends.

On some days I notice that I do more than the expected ½ % effort.  I may do 10 % more.  I may do 30 % more.  I may just feel more motivated on some days.  Other days I push myself with driving statements such as, “Do one more!”  “Be willing to do what other people won’t.”

You will definitely want to apply this to your marriage.  Pay attention to how you look at your spouse.  Does it convey love?  Take 2 to 3 minutes to write your spouse a love note.  Offer to go somewhere that you really don’t want to go but it will make your spouse happy.  You could turn a poor marriage into a great one in a short period of time.

I once asked my wife what she likes about this technique of applying a ½ % more and she responded, “Something is better than nothing!”  I believe this sums it up.  Doing something will create movement.  This will create momentum.  Momentum can transform your life!

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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Happier Holidays
By Mark Webb
No matter how much you may look forward to the holiday season, it is difficult to get away from the fact that the holidays can be quite stressful.  If you wish to successfully manage holiday stress then you need to have a strategy.  Assuming that everything should go smoothly is setting you up to get overwhelmed.  Happier holidays do not happen by accident.  They are designed.

Creating realistic expectations can be quite challenging because most of us want the memories to be perfect.  It becomes difficult to enjoy time with family and friends when you have too many responsibilities and not enough time.  I suggest that you think on paper.  Make to-do lists.  Focus on the activities that will bring the desired result.  Understand what makes the holiday season special for you. What kind of experiences do you want to create this year? Remember that everything does not have to be perfect.  Once you have clarity on this, things will fall into place much easier.

Recognize and accept your own limitations.  Plan ahead and create a budget. Don’t confuse being busy with accomplishment.  Learn from your past mistakes.  Better yet, learn from other people’s mistakes.  Lack of planning ultimately leads to failure.  The holiday films that we all enjoy don’t show you the crew of staff behind the scenes who set up everything to look perfect.  Be wise in your approaches.

Here are some examples:

• Save yourself a few hours by ordering a cake instead of baking it yourself.
• Allow a cleaning person or crew to come in once a year during the holiday season to clean your home.
• Avoid the crowded stores; shop from the Internet or from catalogs.  These companies can ship the gifts for you.
• If you are having an informal get-together use nice, sturdy, and disposable plates and utensils.  Save the china for the more formal events.
• Most guests are willing to bring a side dish or appetizer.  Let them help.
• Designate a children’s room for play and one for eating.  Decorate with an inexpensive tablecloth.  Place a few drop cloths under the children’s seats to save wear and tear on your carpet.  This can reduce lots of stress.
• Gather your family, order a couple of pizzas and have a decorating party.  Create some family traditions.
• If you have a crowd coming over or people with small children, you can decrease your anxiety by putting up the breakable treasures.
• Buy a few disposable cameras and place them throughout the house.  Tell your guests to take pictures as they see fit.  This will keep you from being solely responsible for getting the holiday memories and you may finally get in some of the pictures.

Brace yourself for the upcoming stress of the holidays.  Watch out for increased irritability, decreased sleep or feeling overwhelmed.  Give yourself enough time so that you don’t have to rush.  Don’t let your mouth overload your back.  Learn to say “No”.  Some simple but powerful advice is:  Remember to breathe.  By the way, you should expect to feel down right after entertaining and after Christmas Day.

If you are going to be a guest at someone’s home, you may want to consider these suggestions:

• Don’t stay too long.  You may want to shorten the length of the visit instead of wearing out your welcome.
• Discipline your own children.  If Little Johnny goes wild, then Little Johnny’s parents need to be the ones who handle it – no one else.  This keeps toes from getting stepped on.
• Set differences aside.  Don’t try to resolve past issues at this time.
• It may be wise to make separate accommodations as a hotel rather than staying at a relative’s home.
• Be helpful to the host.

It is totally normal after being in situations that place you under peak emotional demands that your body and mind will need to regroup.  Make sure you get plenty of extra rest.

Helen Keller once said, “The only real blind person at Christmas time is he who has not Christmas in his heart.”  Christmas is a state of mind.  Enjoy the holiday season.  There is more to it than baking and entertaining.  Make sure they are full of fun and laughter. Create happy feelings and memories.  Look at the holidays through the eyes of a child.

The three stages of a man’s life:

• He believes in Santa Claus.
• He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
• He is Santa Claus.

What should you do if you are having a hard time with the holidays

If you and your family are dealing with loss or separation, discuss how you are feeling.  Acknowledging how you feel will reduce emotional stress.  Holding feelings inside creates tension and depression.  Symptoms to watch out for are:

• Depressed Mood
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Low Energy Level
• Restlessness
• Sleep and/or Appetite Disturbance
• Feelings of Worthlessness
• Feelings of Hopelessness and/or Helplessness

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).

Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com

or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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As a therapist, I regularly counsel with men and women who are suffering with a broken heart.  They tearfully plead their sincerity.  Unfortunately, their fear often takes the lead of their focus and they switch to merely trying to figure out the formula or combination to get their partners to take them back again.  They would rather get their own way versus doing the right thing.  Be mature.  Be consistent.  Follow this advice.

• Don’t Rally the Troops.  This means don’t go around and talk with all of your partner’s friends, family, co-workers and worst of all, your religious leader.  Men are especially prone to do this.  This is a form of emotional manipulation based on guilt and shame and tends to only push your partner further away.
• Don’t Fish For Reassurance.  This no-no is a search for a ray of hope from the words “I love you too”.  Don’t bait your partner with the proclamation “I love you”.  This forces them to respond with “I love you too” which they don’t want to say.  They may not give any response, which really hurts.
• Don’t Repeatedly Ask Your Partner To Come Back To You.  Each time you ask you are usually setting your chances back for another week.
• Don’t Call.  Don’t Drive By.  Don’t Show Up At Their Work.  Exercise a lot of restraint.  This is very hard but it is crucial.
• Don’t Try To Figure This Out By Yourself.  Get a therapist or an equivalent to help you process your feelings and to develop the best approach.  Telling everyone the business of your relationship will only undermine your goal and most likely make you look stupid.
• Don’t Try To Be A Detective.  Snooping around is a violation of their personal space.  Don’t go through their dressers, their e-mail, or their car. Just because they aren’t feeling close to you doesn’t mean that there is someone else.
• Don’t Send Your Best Friend As Your Ambassador.  This approach works better than you going but you have to consider that you are only trying to gain leverage versus respecting their need for space and time.
• Don’t Try To Make Them Jealous.  If you do this you are playing games and not seriously making an effort to hear the needs of your partner.  You’re also playing with other people’s emotions.
• Don’t’ Talk Bad About Your Partner.  Saying negative things about your partner or trying to get people to side with you by telling your partner’s faults or private matters is unforgivable.
• Don’t Display Temper Tantrums.  A lot of people use aggression to get their way but this reinforces your partner’s notion of why they left in the first place.
• Don’t Use Children As Pawns.  Children are effective tools to play with your partner’s heart.  However, this does damage to the children and your partner will grow to hate you.  Stop trying to get your way and begin doing the right thing.
• Don’t Be Inconsistent.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com

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