I Challenge You to raise the Bar on Yourself! – Decide to be a Great Partner in your relationship, become so amazing that you inspire your partner and others!
Inspirational Relationship Advice from The Relationship Specialist, author Mark Webb, M.S., L.M.F.T.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

… Or for more information on his Best Selling Book “How To Be A Great Partner” visit http://www.howtobeagreatpartner.com/

“I am a great believer in luck, and I find that the harder I work, the more I have of it.”
~Thomas Jefferson

In June of 2008, I won two titles as World Champion in Songahm Taekwondo at the World Championships in Little Rock, Arkansas. Many of my readers didn’t know I have a Fourth Degree Black Belt in Taekwondo. After winning the titles of World Champion in Forms and Weapons, I have frequently been asked how I achieved this challenging goal.

Angela Crance with Valdosta Technical College asked me to speak at the annual leadership conference – A Gathering of Eagles. At this event, I shared some of the training principles I applied to the achievement of this goal. I believe these principles will make a champion of anyone who applies them; whether you want to be a leader in your organization, a great partner, an amazing parent, or a wonderful friend. Whatever your dream may be, these principles will work in any area of your life.

One of the main lessons I learned in my quest was that you set a goal not for the achievement itself but for what you become in the process.

Here are 7 Principles for Success:

1). If you want the things that most people do not have, you must be willing to do the things that most people will not do. Determine that you will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes. Be willing to pay the price. The rewards of a goal obtained are usually worth it. Keep your priorities straight and you won’t have any regrets. Be willing to do more than the average person. Do not settle for less than what you are truly capable of achieving.
2). Work so hard that if you fail you will have no excuses. When I returned from the Taekwondo Fall National Tournament in October 2007, I was very discouraged. I did not place in any event. I had competed against the best in the country and my performance was not in their league. I decided that I was going to give my training all that I could give. I would train every morning and again when I finished work for the day. I was not going to allow any slack in my efforts over the next eight months to follow. I would make no exceptions because if I lost at the 2008 World Championships I did not want to live with the awareness that if I had trained harder at some point along the way, I might have won.
3). Show Up…and then just keep moving. Most people’s dreams will never become a reality because people never even begin. Most people never get beyond the “thinking about it” stage. If you will simply get started you will be surprised at how things will evolve. It is like the Chinese Proverb, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” So if your goal is to become a leader in your industry, read a book on the subject. Then read another or perhaps go to a seminar. Maybe you could talk with someone in our community who is already doing what you want to do and ask them their secrets to success. Success leaves clues. Follow the steps. These steps added together will eventually create a leader out of you.
4). Have a question that drives you. A great question can keep you going. A lot of my training had to be done outdoors because my competition weapon was a bow staff (a six foot long wooden staff). I love to work out but I struggled almost every morning with getting out of bed. There were many cold, rainy mornings when I did not want to get out of bed at 5:00 am. The question that kept me going was “What would a champion do?”
Even though my body said, “NO”, my heart answered, “A champion would get up and start his training.” And I did.

Your question could be: What would a great husband or wife do? What would a great father or mother do?

5). Tap into the power of your hardheadedness. If you are like most of us, you are hardheaded. Use this attribute to your advantage. I like working with hardheaded clients because once they decide to do something, they achieve it. Make your mind up that your are going to accomplish your goal. Pretend that someone has said to you that you are not man or woman enough to do what you have set out to do. You know that pulls your chain; your response is, “I’ll show them!” This determination has amazing power. Tap into it!

6). Call things forth as if they were true. A very simple yet powerful technique is to write down your goals. This can be done privately in a notebook or posted somewhere you will see often. I wrote, “Mark Webb is the 2008 World Champion in Forms and Weapons” on a 5×7 index card and put it on my refrigerator. I saw it every day and six months later it was true.

I also encourage you to say your goal out loud. There is more power in the spoken word. Remember, God spoke the world into existence. You do not have to say it in front of anyone, but it does help you to verbally claim it.

7). Apply your spiritual beliefs. After I had completely prepared myself, I asked God to bless me with victory. I did not ask without having done my part. I had trained daily and traveled many weekends to cities far away. Ask God to bless you in your endeavors.

I encourage you to set big goals. Be committed and persistent. You can have more and be more. Once you achieve this goal, set another, then another.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his websites at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

“No great thing is created suddenly” ~ Epictetus, philosopher

So much power exists in the little things. It is the little things that can make a good relationship, great. Conversely, the little things can destroy a relationship. Here are eight common behaviors that may not be deal breakers but these behaviors will ruin your chances of ever having happiness in your relationship.

1) Always trying to get in the last word. If this is you, then be prepared for a relationship in which your partner will eventually stop talking to you. It is better to be a good listener than to be a dominating talker. Don’t be too competitive. Don’t always try to win a discussion or create a debate. Couples get too caught up in games of power. This is a situation in which you cannot truly win. As a therapist, I have come to believe that the person who gets the last word in typically loses. They may win the battle but they lose their partner’s love and respect.
2) Forgetting Holidays and Anniversaries. Forgetting once can be hurtful. Forgetting often is disheartening. Never recognizing these dates will be lethal. I say forgetting, but it may be more deliberate. A deliberate refusal to honor your partner’s birthday, your wedding anniversary, or some other special event is mean and cruel. You and I both know it is typically the guys who are guilty of this. I plead with my brothers to fix this problem before it becomes an emergency. Once a woman has had enough of this, she will emotionally divorce you.
3) Being Too Proud. Hardheadedness can either be a blessing or a curse. It is good to be determined but it is bad to be stubborn. If you are wrong; admit it. If you have said or done something hurtful; apologize. You can do wonders for your relationship if you will simply learn to say “I’m sorry.” or “I was wrong.” I also encourage you to go back and acknowledge any past errors. It takes a big person to be able to do this but you will experience more love in your life if you do.
4) Never acknowledging your partner’s efforts. Acknowledge housework, going to work, bringing home a paycheck, and being actively involved in the raising of the children. This list can be long but don’t take your partner for granted. Relationships are more about choices than obligations regardless of how it may feel. Make positive choices. Learn to say thank you and say it often.
5) Making jokes at your partner’s expense. It’s okay to be funny and I encourage playfulness. Just don’t allow yourself to cross the line by putting your partner down or hurting their feelings. Don’t point out your partner’s shortcomings or twist things about them in an effort to get a laugh. Referring to your partner as the “old ball and chain” really isn’t that funny. Even if your partner is truly too slow or a hyper force of nature, do you have to single out these behaviors? Instead of putdowns, use words that will lift your partner up.
6) Being mean. Hatefulness will never build love and respect in your relationship. I don’t care if you are angry, tired, or had a bad day. There is no excuse for this. When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out. When life squeezes you, what comes out is a reflection of what’s on the inside of you. Meanness is a negative response that is usually rooted in negative past experiences that have never been dealt with. In other words, get help. Read books, go to therapy, talk with your pastor. Whatever it may take to heal the wounds of your past.
7) Being a Cheapo. I’m not talking about the wisdom of good financial decision making. I’m talking about stinginess and selfishness. That dollar you are saving could be costing you a fortune. A cheapo cuts too many corners and treats their partner as second class citizens. Your partner shouldn’t have to beg for the things they want and need (within reason).
8) Frequent temper tantrums. Outbursts of stress and anger can be very taxing on a relationship. Learn how to manage your stress versus taking it out on your partner. Don’t threaten divorce; don’t take off your wedding ring, and stop turning over your wedding day photo just because you’re in a bad mood. You have no right to impose your bad mood on someone else; especially the person you say you love.

“Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you.”
~Brian Tracy

Imagine a couple is hiking in the woods and they become lost. They start arguing about whose fault it is. “If you had remembered the compass…” or “If you had taken that left turn I pointed out…” Meanwhile, it’s getting later, colder, and you’re both hungry. Now is the time that one or both of you should drop the debate and take your partner by the hand and say, “It doesn’t matter whose fault it is, let’s just get out of here.”
Never underestimate your ability to improve a relationship. One person can change the course of a relationship. If you are guilty of any of these negative behaviors, resolve to change your ways. Strive to be a partner that your partner will respect and admire.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™. Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies” Ezine ($100 Value). Just visit his websites at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

How To Get Your Husband To Help More Around The House Without Nagging Him To Death

Are you tired of playing out this same scenario?  Men, there is nothing worse than a tired woman who is facing a house full of chores, especially when she sees you laying on the couch watching television with no intention to help whatsoever.

Ladies,   do you realize that you probably have it better than your mama did?  Researchers have discovered that men today do four to five times more household chores than their fathers did.  Still, when you compare between men and women, men do a lot less.

Points That Husbands Should Consider:

1) Husbands, by involving yourself in the housework, you tell your wife that the housework is important and valuable to keeping the home comfortable.  This indirectly tells her, she is also important and valuable.

2) You set a good example for your children.

3) Do the chores with a positive attitude.  She would rather not have your help than listen to you grumble the whole time.

4) Make the housework part of your together time.  As you do the chores you can also talk about how your days went.

5) Every wife appreciates your help, especially if you do it without her having to ask you.

6) Is this how you would treat a date or your best friend?  If you don’t think the chores are your responsibility, then do them out of the love you feel for your wife.  This will give her an opportunity to relax with you afterwards which will most likely lay the groundwork for more romantic endeavors.

7) When she divorces you for not helping her; you’ll be doing all of it by yourself.  You should really think about this one.

1) Ask Him.  I know you’re thinking, “I shouldn’t have to.  It’s his house too!”  I agree.  If you want to get this train rolling then I suggest you ask him and do so in a loving manner.  Explain in a calm manner how your predicament of doing the housework is negatively impacting you.

2) Don’t Give Him A List.  Men tend to reject lists unless they made the list themselves.  If you stack too many requests on a guy too soon you will be doomed to fail with this transformation.

3) Play Music That He Likes.  Music calms the savage beast.  Turn it up.  You could find a ballgame on the radio as an alternative.

4) Don’t Play Games.  Some “experts” suggest that you let the housework go.  The premise is that a cleaning strike will show him how valuable you are.  However this will backfire.  Your husband will step over and walk around the point you are trying to make.

5) Don’t Nag.  The more you nag, the less he will do.  A contest of wills between the two of you will only produce strife and frustration.

6) Don’t Demand He Do It Now.  Standing over him yelling “Do it now!” won’t help.  Backing off will give him a greater sense of self control which is more conducive with how men operate.

7) Focus On What He Does, Not On What He Doesn’t Do.  How would you like it if your husband pointed out your flaws and never noticed your good qualities?  You would grow to resent him.  It’s the same with men and housework.

8) Are Your Expectations Too High?  Be careful not to over-critique his work.  Don’t dismiss him in an angry huff if he doesn’t do the job just the way you want.  He will respond from then on with, “It’s never good enough for you so why don’t you do it yourself.”

9) Teach Him.  You might be surprised to learn that your husband was never taught how to use a mop or operate the washing machine.  Even if he does know how he may not do it the way you would like.  Don’t get aggravated, teach him how.  Most husbands want to please their wife.

10)Consider Marriage Counseling.  If nothing seems to be working, therapy may uncover the root cause of the problem.

11)Increase Your Appreciation.  Give him the words of thank you that you probably aren’t getting yourself.  Positive reinforcement works well on encouraging repeat performance.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his websites at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

2011 Relationship Advice – Part #7 – Focus on Whats Great About Your Partner (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. give his famed Relationship guidance in this 12 part series. This is the 7th part of the series entitled “Be Singularly Focused On Your Relationship”, please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™. Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies” Ezine ($100 Value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

2011 Relationship Advice – Part #6 – Focus on Whats Great About Your Partner (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. give his famed Relationship guidance in this 12 part series. This is the 6th part of the series entitled “Focus on Whats Great About Your Partner”, please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™. Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies” Ezine ($100 Value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Have you built walls around your heart in order to protect yourself?  It is rare that I will meet an adult who has not done so.  Most adults have a list of names of people who have hurt them.  Eventually they become some sort of island fortress.  They strive to not allow themselves to feel anything too strong for another person.  Perhaps the person you are involved with now is the one who pushed you to put the final brick in the wall.  If you have learned to shut your partner out of your heart, I want to challenge you to make another attempt at reconnecting with them.  Do not allow yourself to become lifeless.  It is a slow and painful death if you do.

Maybe the relationship got off track because you viewed it as serious business.  Too many people try so hard to prevent the mistakes their parents made that they regard a relationship as a task.  A relationship does not need to be seen as a task.  Instead, it should be viewed as something to be enjoyed.  You can kill the love between you rather quickly if you stop the enjoyment of your partner’s company.  I appreciate the notion that you do not want to repeat the dysfunctional aspects that your parents had in their relationship.  Perhaps your serious approach towards relationships is based on past failures of your own.  Whatever your reason, decide to enjoy your relationship.

Either of these guarded approaches can lead to falling out of love.  Unfortunately, the whole “falling out of love” thing is very common.  If this has happened to you, let me show you a way to reverse this process.

You will probably question, “What’s the use?”

It will seem that the relationship is over.  Do not fall for this lie.  Penetrate past the pain and the fears you may be feeling.

Decide now to do whatever it takes to make your partner happy.  Demand your best efforts from yourself.  The common response is to vacillate between a fair amount of effort and rare episodes of attention.  Instruct yourself to go the extra mile and then some.  Rigorous effort will deliver the ideal results.

“But I don’t know what to do!” you exclaim.

Yes, you do.  Reflect back to the things you used to do that made your partner happy.  What did you do?  I bet your were quite charming.  Your partner was probably enchanted by your wit and thoughtfulness.  Most, likely, you paid more attention to your appearance.  Pursue your partner with the same amount of enthusiasm and passion.

Many years ago, my wife approached me with some photographs taken when we began dating.  I immediately smiled.  You could easily see the passion between us.  We looked like two lions about to devour each other.

Soon the smile faded as I compared the photographs in my hands with those on the mantel.  Even though we appeared happy in the more recent pictures, they did not have the same degree of passion.  I felt sad as I realized how the years had whittled away the romantic intensity.

Lucky for me that I focus more on solutions than I do on obstacles.  I started thinking of how to restore the level of passion.  I knew I couldn’t make her look at me the same way as the earlier photographs but I knew I could make myself look at her the same way.  I spent some time recalling how I used to treat her.  I was charming, funny, encouraging.  I carried myself differently.  I held her more firmly.  I gladly went out of my way for her.  I decided to recapture this side of myself for the sake of my love for her.

Many times, I will run with an experiment like this without telling my wife what I am trying to do.  This time I told her.  She liked the idea and we both were able to recapture the passion.  In fact, we not only rekindled the chemistry between us, we took it to a magnificent dimension.

Discouragement by the lack of immediate results can derail even the most motivated of men and women.  Do not give up at signs of trouble.  You cannot expect instant reconnection.  This is a matter of consistency and patience.

You must be patient and consistent.  No room exists for negative behavior.  You have to show your partner a better offer.  Believe me; they do not want the same old stuff that closed them down in the first place.

Operate from the premise that “It is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one, than to have an opportunity and not be prepared.”

Turning a relationship towards greatness will require sacrifice.

If you are not willing to go beyond the extra mile then you really are not serious.  Your partner will see the lack of effort as well.  It cannot be hidden.  Talk is just talk unless it is backed up with action.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

2011 Relationship Advice – Part #5 – 80% to 100% Relationship Effort (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. give his famed Relationship guidance in this 12 part series. This Fifth part is entitled 80% to 100% Relationship Effort (do you put the effort needed into your relationship?), please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

2011 Relationship Advice – Part #4 – The 80/20 Rule (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. give his famed Relationship guidance in this 12 part series. This fourth part is entitled The 80/20 Rule, please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

How To Squeeze The Most Out of Your 24 Hours – 10 Time Management Secrets To Help You Complete Your New Year’s Resolutions

“If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”
~ Author Unknown

You have New Year’s Resolutions; you have good intentions; but do you have the time to follow through on these goals and desires?  Time management helps you choose what to do first, what to do second, and what not to do at all.  It gives you the power to organize every aspect of your life.  Here are 10 time management secrets used by the world’s most successful people:
1)     Where Are You Spending Your Time?  Our day can easily slip away with nothing to show for it.  How many hours do you waste each day and each week?  Watching television, surfing the internet and talking on the telephone can steal your time.  Every minute you waste causes deprivation somewhere else.  Many people realize they can go back to school, develop a hobby or skill, or take on a part time job just by giving up things that really aren’t that important.  Train yourself to always ask, “What is the most valuable use of my time right now?”
2)    Prioritize Your To-Do List.  This pushes you to do the most important things first.  It is easy to stop for a moment here and there to complete small tasks.  You think to yourself, “this will only take a minute” but you end up spending your time on unimportant tasks.  Don’t confuse being busy with achievement.  Learn to say “No”.
3)    Focus On One Thing At A Time.  You get what you focus on. You have to learn how to control your focus if you want to be successful in life.  Your focus determines the quality of any area of your life.  Ask yourself, “What is the result I’m after?” then focus your energy towards that outcome.
4)    Use A Daily Planner.  A variety of day planner systems exist.  You can get a planner at any office supply store.  You may have a planner already loaded into your cell phone which is handy to you everywhere you go.  The most expensive ones aren’t necessarily the best.  The simple to use ones tend to get used.  Don’t make this any more complicated than you have to.  I just want you to have a planner that enables you to jot down your appointments and the tasks you want to achieve each day, each week, and each month.  I’ve been taught to never begin the day until it has been finished first on a piece of paper.  Organization is vital to time management.
5)    Set Deadlines.  Forcing yourself to set deadlines will help you get an incredible amount of things accomplished.  Deadlines create a sense of urgency.  Lack of deadlines allows people to lose focus and drift into nonessential tasks.
6)    Be More Decisive.  Once a decision is made, the rest is easy.  Many people get hung up on the fear of making a mistake or a decision that may upset others.  Sometimes it is better to make a wrong decision than no decision at all.  A wrong decision will at least get some type of movement and you can correct from there.  Successful people are decisive.
7)    Schedule Blocks of Time.  Set increments of time such as thirty minutes, an hour, or perhaps two hours and allow yourself to focus only on the task at hand.  If you know you are most productive in the morning, schedule these blocks in the morning.
8)    Prevent Interruptions.  An open door policy is nice yet in order to be as productive as possible you might need to close the door for brief periods.  Train yourself not to answer the telephone every time it rings.  We have the convenience of caller ID, answering machines and voicemail.  Learn to be inaccessible sometimes (except for your husband or wife).
9)    Handle Things Once.  Break the habit of reading mail and memos more than once.  Most of us have a pending stack of things we plan to get back to.  Instead, read it once then respond.  If it doesn’t require a response or decision, throw it away.
10) Strive To Consistently Improve Your Skills.  Dr. Rob Gilbert said, “First we form habits then they form us.  Conquer your bad habits or they’ll eventually conquer you.”  You want to become a master of your time.  Many successful people look like workaholics when in fact they are simply masters of time management.

Put these 10 secrets into action and watch how much you accomplish this year.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

2011 Relationship Advice – Part #3 – Mark Webb’s Therapy Approach (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. give his famed Relationship guidance in this 12 part series. This third part is entitled Mark Webb’s Therapy Approach, Mark discusses how his therapeutically approach differs from others, and why he believes it helps to excel his relationship clients.  Please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

2011 Relationship Advice – Part #2 – Battle Weary Couples (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. give his famed Relationship guidance in this 12 part series. This second part is entitled Battle Weary Couple, please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

2011 Relationship Advice – Part #1 – Back to the Baseline (of a 12 part series)

Mark Webb, L.M.F.T. gives his Relationship guidance in this 12 part series.  This first part is entitled Back to the Baseline, please watch all parts of the series in succession or contact Mark via his website for a DVD of the whole Series.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Make A Statement of Impact To The One You Love

“Half hearted efforts produce half hearted results”

I am a 4^th Degree Black Belt and Certified Instructor of Taekwondo at Performance Martial Arts Academy.  While teaching new students I often encounter a hesitation on the novice’s part to give their full effort.  They give half hearted kicks and strikes.  In order to get the student to achieve better results, I ask them to imagine that someone they care about is being attacked.  Immediately, this same reluctant student becomes a vicious tiger.  They kick and strike with tremendous determination and impact; all because they changed their focus.  They are no longer thinking of their own awkwardness but instead, they are thinking about the well-being of someone they care about.  Thus, they make a greater amount of impact.

I want you to apply this concept to your relationship.  Not the sidekick or the elbow strike, but rather, a determined statement of loving impact.

• Quality versus Quantity.  Most of us lead very busy lives.  We never seem to have enough time for the person we love.  You may have constraints on your time but there are no constraints on your ability to demonstrate high quality efforts.  Simple ways to make statements of high quality impact are:

A)  Greet your partner with enthusiasm. We often show more excitement for our clients and our customers than we do for our partner.  Your partner reads you loud and clear when you don’t even take your eyes off the television when they get home.  Stop what you’re doing.  Go to the door or get off your butt and let your partner know you are glad to see them.

B)  Give them a real kiss. Not just a little peck on the cheek or top of their head.  Kiss them with impact.  Lay one on em’.

C)  Hold your partner. Not a hug like you give your stinky uncle but with a little muscle behind it.  Not a bear hug but convey a sense of passion, warmth, and interest.

D) Speak words of meaningful love. Make strong statements like “I love you so much.” “You make my life complete.”  Use a tone of voice that says you are true and sincere in what you’re saying.

The world has become doubtful in the strength and safety of love.  People enter marriage with the awareness that divorce is an option.  They focus on their own needs instead of the best interest of their partner.  Send a message of certainty to the one you love.

Men need to:

1)    Make their woman know that she is special to her man.  Virtually all women long for this.  The more certainity you give her that she is enough for you, the happier she’ll be.  Most women have a lifetime of being slighted by the men in her life; often starting with their father.  Make her feel special and you can be the hero who sets her free from a lifetime of woundedness.

2)   Let your woman know “I’m here for you”. Don’t be the guy who gives her the conditional message of commitment.  Most men are only fully committed to their woman as long as she acts the way he wants her to.  A stronger statement is to convey that you are there for her no matter what!  Even if right or wrong, good or bad, or sweet or evil.  Your message needs to be “I’m Here for You.”

Women need to:

Believe In Their Man.  Men can live their entire life and never hear the words, “I believe in you!” sincerely spoken to them.  Women, your job is to be the one to say, “I Believe in You.”  These words can heal a man of his woundedness and inspire him to be a true man of greatness.

• Stay away from people who don’t respect men or women.  Their negative views will poison your mind.  They will weaken you spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.  You will never be able to make a strong statement of loving impact if you associate with the cynical minded.

Half hearted efforts produce half hearted results.  This is true for any endeavor.  Don’t let this be true for your relationship.  Make full hearted statements of impact to the one you love.

As “The Relationship Specialist”, I’d be amiss if I didn’t remind my fellow brothers:

Things to Remember Before Valentine’s Day

Do something to remind you to plan early, such as writing a note.

Don’t wait until the last minute to prepare.

• Make dinner reservations.
• Preorder flowers.
• Get her a card before they are picked through.
• Arrange a babysitter yourself; don’t make her do it.

She needs to know that she knows that she is special to you, that she is your top priority.

Remember, you want to bring a smile to her face or a tear to her eye.

Do something so out of the ordinary that you surprise even yourself.
Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

“Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.” ~Goethe

Would you like to achieve your New Year’s Resolution for once? Each year you set them and soon thereafter you set them aside. Here are the “How To’s” for keeping yourself motivated and focused so that you see your goals become a reality:

Develop An Unwavering Commitment. “I Will Do This No Matter What!” Use your hard headedness to your advantage. If you want to change your life, you must raise your standards. Demand more of yourself than anyone else does. Make no excuses. Refuse to quit. A half-hearted decision will sputter into a failed attempt but a firm decision will propel you to a greater level of being. Change starts the moment you make a decision. What decisions do you need to make? Decision gives you direction. People who have direction accomplish more in all areas of their life. When you set a goal and start controlling your time, things begin to happen. Repeat this statement often, “If it is to be, it is up to me!”

You Have To See It! Visualization is essential to your success. Use the power of your imagination. You daydream anyway so why don’t you fill your mind with visions of yourself and your life the way you would like them to be. See yourself in the position that you have always wanted. See your spouse madly in love with you. See your children having true respect for you and what you represent. See yourself as making a positive difference to our community, our nation and/or the world. You are only limited by your imagination. Think bigger. Don’t psyche yourself out; psyche yourself up! Success always begins in the mind of the beholder.

What Would A Champion Do? You can use whatever title you want, great husband or wife, winner, positive person; I like the world, champion, for where I am in my life right now. As I strive to achieve my 4th Degree Black Belt in Taekwondo, I often ask, “What would a champion do?” when I feel like sleeping in. This question leads to, “He’d get out of bed and do his sit-ups.” And I do because this question motivates me and directs me. I believe that a huge key to success in life is “Be Willing To Do What Most People Won’t Do.”

I asked my Taekwondo instructor, 5th Degree Black Belt, Mitchell Church of Performance Martial Arts in Valdosta for some of his favorite motivational quotes that he uses to train champions. Five of them are:

a. The only person that can defeat you is yourself

b. It’s not how many times you get knocked down but how many times you get back up that count.

c. The three keys to success are: Discipline, Discipline and Discipline.

d. If you feel like quitting, do one more.

e. When it’s crunch time, you find out who you truly are. Don’t wimp out!

Just Show Up And Then Keep Moving. This is one of my favorite secrets to success. Most people think about their desires and goals but they won’t even take the first step. I’ve learned that if you will just show up you will start the necessary momentum. Show up at the gym. Show up at church. Show up at the university. Tell the people at these places what you want to see happen. Let them help you and guide you and then just keep coming back. Success comes when you refuse to quit. These small steps will transform you from where you are to the person you want to be. Don’t worry about whether or not it’s going to be difficult. Challenging times can introduce you to a greater level of yourself. Change your approach but not your decision to get there. Don’t Give Up. Just keep moving success is often a matter of simply hanging on after everyone else has let go.
Success Leaves Clues. Look for others who have accomplished the results you want. Find out what they did and then do the same things or something close to it. Surround yourself with goal oriented people. Avoid complacent people as much as possible. They can be dream stealers. They won’t challenge you to be your best and if you are not careful you will start to compare yourself to them. You will start believing that as long as you are doing better than they are, then you are successful. This is a lie. The status of being successful is only granted to you if you become the best that you can be. You are capable of more than you realize. Give your goals your best effort.
Don’t wait until you feel like doing the task before you. Take action towards it and the feelings will come. If it is hard then do it hard. The price of success is much lower than the price of doing nothing at all. Always place something in front of yourself to strive for. Fill your mind with dreams, big dreams. When you stop dreaming, you start to grow old. And while you are at it, if you see someone else trying to achieve their goal, give them a word of encouragement. Be an inspiration to others and they in turn will be an inspiration for you.

Happy New Year!

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Life is too short not to be romantic.  Being romantic will add happiness to your days and years to your life.  Romantic people are young at heart and they enjoy a fully mature relationship.  Romantic’s have greater confidence, demonstrate greater courage, and they make this a better world to live in.

Here is some romance building advice to make your relationship all it can be:

1.    Becoming romantic is similar to physically working out.  Everybody knows they need to exercise and a lot of people resist it.  Everybody knows working out is good for them but many don’t like the hassle of it.  Regardless of how you feel about working out it is a habit that comes with benefits.  These benefits are better health and happiness.  The same benefits are yours when you develop your romantic strength.  I know tough guys in the gym who are lightweights in the love department.  Be strong in both physical and romantic strength.
2.    Don’t label yourself or your partner as someone who “just isn’t romantic.”  You may respond with, “well, it’s the truth.”  Perhaps it has been but if you ever want to change this you will have to use the old reverse psychology approach.  Label yourself and/or your partner as being “romantic”.  Positive reinforcement has a much better chance than a more discouraging label.
3.    Romance is not a chore.  Romance is an opportunity.  It is one of the best gifts life has to offer.  Don’t miss out on these blessings.  Don’t let your friends pollute your mind with any thoughts to the contrary.
4.    Strive to be romantic 365 days a year.  Who says romance is limited only to Valentine’s Day?  I and everybody else will feel sorry for your partner if this is the standard you live by.  Can you imagine how a change in your daily perspective could make your life so much better?  Romantic people have partners who adore them.  Romantic people are happier throughout the week, not just on the weekends.
5.    Be more playful with your partner.  Many men and women give their best self to their career.  They come home from working with nothing but the leftovers of themselves.  The weekend is spent regrouping for the following week.  Sounds like a rat race to me.  Get off this treadmill and allow you and the person you love to have some fun.  Let your playful, goofy side come out and I promise you will actually be more productive in all areas of your life.
6.    Learn from your past mistakes.  If something isn’t working in your relationship, spend time evaluating why this is so.  Don’t condemn yourself but learn from your errors.  What did you do last Valentine’s Day?  Was it a success or a flop?  What could you have done better?  How could you have made your partner feel more special?  How about your partner’s birthday?  Your anniversary?  Get the picture?  Always strive to improve your efforts.  Like mentioned in #1 above, exercise your romantic muscles. Push yourself so that you can do more and more.
7.    Utilize your own special talents.  You don’t have to reinvent the wheel.  You have abilities that bring you success.  What are they?  Are you good at writing, organizing, creating, cooking or building?  Simply consider how to apply these talents in the romance department.  Since you have these strengths you might as well make the most of them.
8.    Don’t use gifts and flowers as a way to apologize.  Presents should express thoughtfulness, not regret.  If you give flowers or presents after you have had an argument or hurt your partner’s feelings, you are usually wasting your money.  Apologies should be sincere words and the demonstration of repentant actions.

This is your life.  Enjoy it.  Be creative and have fun.  Believe in love and feel the magic that can be yours.  Fall in love every day through the power of romance!

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

“I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.”
~ Jennifer Yane

“To be alive is to have stress” says Hans Selye; one of the world’s foremost authorities on stress.  The only way you can avoid stress is to be dead.  Being alive brings about stress in a variety of contexts.  The secret is to manage your stress.  The right amount of stress can push you to perform at your best.
Here are some simple changes and powerful mindsets that will lead you to a greater peace of mind:
1.    Read all you can on the subject.  Knowledge can be powerful.  The more you know about a subject, the better odds you will have at mastering it.  This is true for any field of endeavor.  Go to the book store or to your local library.  Books on overcoming the negative effects of stress are easy to find.  If stress is negatively impacting your health then study up on ways to improve your overall wellness.  If you need more hours to your day, then read up on time management.  You can find titles that are unique to your own personal challenges.  Stresses in the home and at work are common subjects.  The answers to many of your challenges have already been figured out by people who have spent their lifetime researching this subject.  Don’t try to reinvent the wheel; read!
2.    Be specific when identifying your stressors.  You can make your situation so much worse by being too general with naming your stress. You will make yourself crazy if you say things like, “Everything stresses me out!”   You will never find relief from “everything”.  The more specific you are at naming your stressor, the better you will be at taming it.  For instance, let’s suppose you say it is your husband or wife that stresses you out.  Every time you see their face, you will feel bad.  It is not your spouse that stresses you out, it is something they do or do not do that causes you stress.  Perhaps he or she forgets to call you when they are running late.  Naming the stressful behavior is more specific and less damaging to the marriage.  It is not your children that stress you out; it is when they don’t clean up their room when you tell them.  You may find that you start liking people better with this strategy.
3.    Set goals that push you to grow.  You are more capable than you are currently demonstrating.  Strive to be all that you can be.  Productive people tend to be happier.  Direct your energy into positive outlets.  Set a goal that will be hard to accomplish.  Make it one that will develop you into a better person.  Pick qualities that you would like to possess, then set goals that will nurture the growth of that attribute.  If you want to be more generous with others, you could volunteer with a local agency that gives back to the community.
4.    Realize that stress is inevitable.  People who strive to play it safe tend to regret that decision.  They miss out on the beautiful gifts and adventures that life can share.  It is not the stress that kills you; it is your reaction to it.  If you live in fear you will never achieve your fullest potential.  No one gets out of life alive so decide to be active in living yours.  Don’t be so busy in your career that you forget to live.  If you talk to older adults, they will tell you that if they could do it over again, they would laugh more and worry less.
5.    Exercise. You knew I was going to tell you this one.  It has to be said.  Exercise is one of the best managers of stress.  Exercise helps to release mental, emotional and physical pressure.  Exercise will build your self confidence, which also decreases stress.  If you hate to exercise, do something, one push up.  One jumping jack.  Something is better than nothing.  Once you do one, consider another.  Day after day, keep this up.  You might surprise yourself once you get moving.  If you have injuries or physical challenges, do what you can with what you have.  “He who limps, still walks.”  Stanslaw Lee
6.    Surround yourself with positive people.  You tend to become like the environment you spend your time in.  Negative people will suck the passion and excitement out of you if you let them.  Spend time with people who inspire you and who make you glad to be alive.  Be a positive person yourself.  Make your home a happy one.  Be a blessing to your place of employment.  Speak words that are positive and encouraging.
7.    Remember to breathe.  This is my simplest advice but perhaps the most helpful.  It is basic but often overlooked.  An unknown author once said, “The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.”  Fortunately, we all have time to breathe.  Taking a deep breath will clear your head, still your body, and give you a better perspective.  My clients tell me this reminder gets them through some of the toughest times of their life.
I’m not asking you to pretend you don’t have twelve plates spinning at once.  I just want you to be a master of your life.  A person who sleeps well at night and feels good about themselves and the world they live in.
Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Step Up Your Relationship Efforts… Before You Really Have To
Have you ever noticed how people get their act together after a breakup or a divorce?    Okay, maybe not at first.  To begin with they’re an emotional wreck.  I’m talking about how they eventually get themselves on track in every way.
You’d be surprised at how many relationships could have been rekindled if the out of shape, beer guzzling slug or the nagging witch would have made a few changes before the love in the relationship died.  Make a fresh start to your relationship today, before you really have to.
Here are 10 strategies that are cheaper than a divorce and easier than starting over:
1)     Have a better sense of humor.  Put laughter back into your life.  Tell more jokes.  Show your partner your playful, goofy side.  Make your relationship fun.  If something goes wrong, don’t be so serious.  Try to find something funny or respond with a smile.
2)    Be more passionate.  Most people seem to be sleepwalking through their days.  Be more expressive.  Stop taking your partner for granted.  Tell them you love them in such a way that they absolutely know it!  Don’t let your relationship get infected with boredom.  Get excited about your life and your partner.
3)    Get in better shape.  Once we land the partner of our dreams, we tend to let ourselves go.  It’s like we no longer have to try, because we have caught the partner we wanted.  Don’t make your partner prove that they have total and unconditional love for you.  Exercise, eat right, and maintain good health practices.  While you are at it, splash on some cologne or dab on some perfume.
4)    Be encouraging.  Nothing lets the air out of a relationship like being negative.  Anyone can criticize and find fault.  Over time your partner will dread seeing you if you are constantly criticizing them.  Be your partner’s biggest fan.  Build them up.  Positive reinforcement will bring out the best in your partner.
5)    Be spontaneous.  Routines are important, but too much regimen will become a drag.  Occasionally do something out of the ordinary.  Strive to surprise your partner.  Do something that is out of character for you.
6)    Be more thoughtful.  After a long day at work or taking care of small children, it’s easy to make excuses for our behavior.  Never allow yourself to be anything but thoughtful to your partner.  You were able to do this when you began dating.  Be considerate.  Speak kind words.  Pause before you speak if you’re tired or aggravated.  Give your partner the same respect you’d give to your employer or a special customer.
7)    Be willing to talk and to listen.  Do you remember how it was in the beginning?  You could stay up all night long talking.  You wanted to hear every word your partner had to say.  You wanted to get to know all you could about their hopes and dreams.  Every story was exciting and you hung on with interest.  Put this same level of enthusiastic interest towards your partner today.  You don’t know all there is to know.  Your partner is constantly evolving and experiencing new things.  Be a part of this with him or her.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that your partner won’t talk to you if you are quick to argue, get defensive, or steal the conversation.  Convey that you really do want to know your partner.
8)    Be flexible.  Things don’t have to always be your way.  Go shopping with your lady and watch a ballgame with your man.  Make yourself enjoy it.  Take turns picking the restaurant.  Be willing to give more of your time.
9)    Have your priorities straight.  Your relationship is a top priority.  I would say it is second only to God with occasional exceptions for your children.  You will see a rapid difference in the quality of your relationship once you make your partner and your relationship the priority.
10) Be willing to work at it.  I often hear people state they believe a great relationship should happen on its own.  You have a successful career because you work at it.  You have well mannered children because you work at it.  The same will be true for your relationship.  If you put the same 80% to 100% effort into your relationship, you will divorce-proof your future.
Little things mean a lot.  These actions are simple and easy to make as part of your relationship.  Through consistent practice, they can become habits.  These kinds of habits will keep your love alive and fresh.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

There’s something about family get-togethers that can turn even the most confident senior executives into quiet underachievers, and seemingly “rational” individuals into petty bickerers. If you’re stressing out about meeting with family over the holidays, sure that your excited anticipation will turn into disappointed reality, there are some ways you can prevent such disappointment from happening.

The key is to discover the negative behavior patterns you’re repeating, and learn to create “new, productive familiars,” “Holiday hell can be avoided if we just stop repeating the familiar,”

The senior executive who oversees a staff of 100 in a Fortune 500 company and assumes an underachiever role in the presence of her family may not have received parental recognition of her leadership ability as a child, being overshadowed by the athletic prowess of her siblings. As a result, she now unconsciously assumes that same inferior role when in the company of her family, Shechtman explained.

Or, a normally rational person, known by friends and co-workers for his calm demeanor, even temperament and ability to put things in their proper perspective may find himself bickering over petty issues at the dinner table, determined to win his point, because he received minimal positive reinforcement from his parents as a youth and is still trying to win their approval.

“We all have a tendency to repeat the familiar,” Shechtman said. “We must learn how to recognize the familiar — attitudes from our childhoods that cause us to act in predictable and often destructive ways, and create new familiars that foster personal growth and positive relationships.”

“Families who get together just one or two days a year around the holidays and try to make up forthe other 364 days are likely to experience relationship stress,” “The drama of a lifetime of conflicts is often played out over the course of a three-hour meal and a holiday visit.”

Garrison suggests calling a truce in advance of holiday get-togethers. To foster a happier holiday season, he offered the following tips:

Become a good time manager; to avoid stress, allow extra time for all activities.

Schedule daily time alone.

Practice moderation in eating and drinking.

Suppress the need to instruct or criticize; listen more, talk less.

Have realistic expectations and learn to “go with the flow.”

Make a budget and stick to it.

Shop early at off-peak times; consider shopping by mail.

Many of us embark upon the the eternal quest to make sure all of our siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and in-laws get along during the holidays. While hope for a peaceful family get-together always springs eternal, it sadly isn’t always a realistic goal. Whether or not a circle of friends or an extended family can actually get along during the holidays should not be seen as a measuring stick for your own good intentions. There are a number of things you can do to help your loved ones get along during the holidays, but the remainder of the year is up to them.

One important point is to keep your holiday expectations realistic and flexible. While it would be nice to have the entire extended family under one roof for the holidays, you must accept the fact that it may not happen. If you can accept a less idealized plan for the upcoming holidays, then your positivity may rub off on the family members in attendance. When people can pick up on each other’s positive attitudes, they often get along during the holidays much better. It may be better to have a smaller group comprised of people who interact well together than a larger group of people who don’t.

If your goal is to see contentious relatives get along during the holidays, then you may have to play the role of negotiator or mediator. You may have to speak with each relative separately and try to get at the root cause of their conflict. Even an armed truce or an agreement to disagree may be enough to help sparring relatives get along during the holidays. If you can manage to get the two parties to speak face-to-face before the holiday reunion, it may clear the air even more. No one enjoys feeling ambushed during a holiday get-together.

You must understand that the holiday season can be a mixed bag of emotions for everyone. Some family members or friends may prefer to remain alone during the holidays for their own personal reasons. If you really want people to get along during the holidays, it pays to respect their wishes and not pressure them into uncomfortable social situations. If a family member is not able to attend a family event in person, other family members can still arrange for a family conference call, a live web chat, or a videotape of the event. It may be better to allow individuals to make their own decisions about holiday participation.

If you have a houseful of relatives and you fear the worst, avoid the dreaded downtime. Family members may already be stressed out from their own holiday rituals, so it pays to keep things light and friendly during family get-togethers. Conflicts often arise out of collective boredom, so in order to help everyone get along during the holidays, plan a series of group activities. After an early meal, the entire family could go to a movie or other local attraction. Some may want to volunteer a few hours at a charity food service or go on a shopping trip. At night, everyone could look at neighborhood Christmas lights and displays. The trick is to keep moving and keep talking.

Even if you are not planning an extended family event, it is still important that your immediate family get along during the holidays. Keep in mind that children may be working off sleep debts, so allow them time to rest and relax. Hold off on family trips or all-day entertainment until everyone in the family has had time to adjust to a vacation mindset. You may think of it as a trip to Grandma’s house, but your spouse or children may see it as 12 hours trapped in a car unless they get enough rest beforehand.

Above all else, if you want to have your friends, co-workers and family get along during the holidays, be sure to lead by example. Once people see you avoid petty conflicts at work or show honest affection towards your family, they are more likely to follow your lead.

The holidays are right around the corner, is your teen going to act like the perfect Christmas Angel? Of course not!

All special occasions, ie. holidays, family get togethers, and even family vacations, are the most opportune times for you teen to be at his worst. The reason for this has to do with your teens basic need to define himself. He is going to use these opportunities to define the family structure around him, therefore defining where he ‘fits’. He will do this by stirring up as much conflict as possible.

As the whirlwinds that your teen has started die down, he will pick up on his ‘piece’ in the ‘family puzzle’. It will greatly effect his Self-Esteem. So you want to do your best to resolve the conflicts as they rise, rather than have them fester. Here are a few good tips on how to resolve conflict:

• Use your active listening skills.
• Action plans on curfews and family guidelines help prevent many conflicts.
• Know the differences between natural and logical consequences and use them.
• Avoid power struggles by taking a time out when you feel the need.
• Expect non-compliance. Testing the limits is normal behavior for a teenager. When you get what you are expecting it causes less frustration

Ten years ago, on the day before Christmas, Ms. J’s brother was killed in a car crash. Do we take it as a given that every Christmas Ms. J needs to enter a period of mourning? November, December, and January—one-fourth of the year—are all months usually associated with “the holidays.” Statistically, one would expect one-fourth of life’s tragedies to occur during that time, forever linking the season with a potential for anniversary reactions.

Mr. G grew up in a family in which the father’s everyday alcoholic excesses, such as family fights and alcoholic outbursts, became accentuated during the holidays. These events appear to account for a seasonal increase in the incidence of Mr. G’s panic attacks during the holidays. Need this be repeated in his emotional experience year after year?

Ms. A always goes home for the holidays. She is 40 years old, is a successful lawyer, and has been married for ten years. She and her husband have chosen not to have children. Each Christmas they spend the holidays with their respective parents. Ms. A flies across the country to her hometown, excited about the prospect and bringing many gifts for her parents and her married sister’s family. Each year she returns in a state of despair. Her parents, as usual, have been absorbed and delighted by the antics of their grandchildren and uninterested in Ms. A’s career successes. Her sister, jealous of Ms. A’s independence and success, has made obliquely negative comments about the gifts she chose for the children.

A video replay of her childhood would reveal the same dynamics in progress. Ms. A’s parents were more interested in her sister, and her sister was quietly jealous of her achievements. Ms. A, in a supplicant mode, has tried with smiles, compliance, and gifts to make it all different. She has freed herself physically from the family situation by moving across the country, but during the holidays she returns. The old fantasies and wishes also return, and she regressively slides into the role of the hurt, ignored little girl she had left behind. Her parents and her sister may never be different, but in psychotherapy Ms. A can become aware of her wishes, fantasies, and conflicts about the past and be free to choose another path.

Mr. S’s reminiscences were filled with memories of eager anticipation, excitement about possible gifts, and a happy gathering of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. However, intermixed with these anticipations was a sense of foreboding. This foreboding was founded on the past unpredictability of his father, an alcoholic, which had always darkened the holiday scene. Sometimes the day would pass uneventfully. At other times his father’s violent outbursts would result in loved ones’ making a hurried departure to save the family embarrassment. The result was unexpressed tension as family members held their breath, feeling helpless to avoid an unpredictable disaster. What Mr. S came to understand in psychotherapy was that in his current life he need not continue to be held hostage to these automatic anxieties. As an adult he need not recreate the scenes of his childhood. If problems arose, he could choose to confront them. There need be no hiding of problems, no scurrying away to avoid the facts, no passive resignation or fear of his own suppressed rage. This was the manner in which his parents and family had dealt with the matter when he was a child, but Mr. S need not recreate this scenario in his adult life.

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Those who devote their expertise to working with patients who have lost loved ones recognize that the holiday season is a time of special vulnerability. At a time when the whole family normally gathers together, the absence, the empty place at the table, and the rearrangement of the seating pattern call explicit attention to the loss. The first holiday after the death of a spouse, a parent, or a child is a painful crisis, often accompanied by a degree of stunned disbelief. This was probably the case for many who lost family members in the tragic events of September 11. The second holiday season often carries a different set of emotional experiences. The stunned disbelief has faded, and reality has set in: the absence at the family table was not temporary but a permanent condition, requiring new reflections and reconfiguration of each person’s sense of “the family.”

A number of dynamics and interlocking forces contribute to the frequent occurrence of what some call the holiday blues. The holiday season reawakens the dreams, hopes, and longings of childhood as well as memories of early deprivations and affects that may have been repressed but that now reappear with renewed intensity. For many, like Ms. A, there is the fantasy that family conflicts will be put aside and holiday cheer will prevail. Even with the experience of past events to the contrary, there often persists the expectation that this year will be different. But unresolved issues of jealousy, sibling rivalry, envy, and an intensification of childhood wishes are often rekindled rather than dissolved by exhaustion, alcohol, exaggerated hopes, and the unfamiliar intensity of contact with family members.

1

Step One

Try to divide visiting time equally between your family and your spouse’s; if distance makes that impossible, alternate homes from year to year.

2

Step Two

Ease tensions arising from divorce, amicable or otherwise, by vowing to put the kids first, no matter what.

3

Step Three

Find out well in advance of the holidays when grandparents and other relatives want to see the kids, and schedule activities accordingly; you’ll avoid last-minute conflicts and hurt feelings.

4

Step Four

View ethnic or religious traditions of new family members as a way to make your celebrations richer and more meaningful, not as threats to your own beliefs. Create your own blend of favorite rituals.

5

Step Five

Invite a friend or two to family functions. Behavior almost always improves in the presence of outsiders.

6

Step Six

Hold gatherings in neutral territory. In a restaurant, a resort or a rented beach house, resentments over wealth, social standing, politics or religion will take a back seat to new surroundings.

7

Step Seven

Recognize that you can’t control anyone’s behavior but your own, and try to observe the actions of others without judging them.

8

Step Eight

Cultivate your sense of humor. Almost anything, even other people’s annoying habits, can be amusing if you don’t take them too seriously.

9

Step Nine

Get plenty of rest during the holiday period. Tiredness and fatigue can be a sure route to bickering and ill temper, in adults as well as kids.

10

Step Ten

Opt out of the extended-family gathering if the tension is too great to bear. Instead, spend the holidays at home with your immediate family or friends, or take a holiday trip.

Tips & Warnings

• If you’ll be traveling during the holidays, with or without family, make all arrangements far ahead of time. Prime spots such as ski resorts and warm-weather playgrounds can fill up as much as a year in advance.
• The same applies to local venues such as restaurants and clubs. The earlier you can book your family gathering space, the better chance you’ll have to get your first choice.

Surviving the Holidays
Dr. Jennifer Bruning Brown’s 10 Tips for a Joyful and Stress-Free Holiday Season

San Francisco — December 2, 2004 – Contrary to popular belief, for many, the holiday season is not a joyous, harmonious time. Instead, it is often a time of family conflicts, stress and loneliness. Many find it difficult keeping up with unrealistic demands and expectations of family, friends and social events at the holidays-in addition to their already demanding jobs and family responsibilities. Others become tense or anxious around family or they’re lonely and feel isolated from loved ones. This can all be a recipe for holiday stress, but with advance thought and preparation, you can make the holiday season a more positive experience for yourself and those around you.

Dr. Jennifer Bruning Brown, research psychologist for Tickle Inc., offers the following 10 tips to help you have a stress-free holiday. Dr. Brown, who received a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Stanford University, has extensive clinical training including the assessment and treatment of depression, eating disorders and relationship issues.

1.       Take time for yourself and your relationships. Although spending time with friends and family is essential, it’s also important to set aside time for yourself or with your significant other. Family and social demands during the holidays can make it easy to neglect your personal and relationship needs. Plan some time away from family, on your own or with a partner to do things you enjoy. If you’re single, make sure you don’t spend the entire holiday season with coupled family and friends.

2.       Focus on what’s really important. Decide which aspects of the holidays are most important to you. In other words, if it isn’t something you like, why are you still doing it? Focus on accomplishing what’s most important and let everything else go.

3.       Don’t aim for perfection. Year after year we’re bombarded with images of the idyllic holiday scene – family, friends, and festivities surrounded in a spirit of peace and goodwill for all. There’s no such thing as the perfect party, the perfect meal or the perfect way to spend the holidays. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment by placing unrealistic demands on yourself.

4.       Leave your baggage at the door. Often people feel they must resolve the unfinished family business over the holiday they haven’t been able to resolve in the previous year. With the added stress of the holidays, it’s not a good time to try to repair all of these relationships. Declare some kind of truce and focus on having a good time.

5.       Don’t try to diet. But don’t go crazy overeating or drinking. Know the holidays are stressful, the best thing for you is to do everything in moderation. The more you go to either extreme, the more stress you’ll feel. Establish a plan for your eating and drinking, and do your best to stick to it.

6.       Get rid of the guilt. Stop taking responsibility for everyone else’s happiness and decide to leave any feelings of guilt behind. It’s OK to cut back, ask for help, or simply change the way events or family traditions happen and still have a great time during the holidays.

7.       Plan ahead. Think about what usually causes you stress during the holidays and make some changes. Be proactive rather than reactive and take charge over the things you can control.

8.       Have a game plan. If specific family members get on your nerves, come up with a strategy to deal with the situation when it occurs.

• Try and find some humor in the situation–laughter often helps
• Try to take a step back and observe yourself and others behaviors from an outside perspective
• Practice good communication: express your feelings as clearly as possible without blaming

9.       Expect the unexpected. Be aware that unplanned events always occur, both good and bad. So prepare yourself and know that you may need to be flexible.

10.      Be grateful. Think about all the blessings you have in your life. Focusing on what you don’t have only encourages negative thoughts. Write down even the most seemingly insignificant things you’re grateful for and read the list every time you start to feel stressed or down.

Home For The Holidays? Tips For Preserving The Ties That Bind

Filed under Research on Monday, December 13, 2004.

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Family conflicts can be exacerbated under the stress of the holiday season, particularly on the heels of a divisive presidential election, but a University of Florida expert offers suggestions for setting aside differences and letting love rule during the holidays.

“Getting through family events requires a lot of flexibility and the ability to remember that, although you didn’t pick your family, they didn’t pick you either,” said UF psychologist Garret Evans. “In many families, even though they might argue over politics or lifestyles, when push comes to shove, they quickly rally to each other.”

According to a 2003 Gallup survey, 76 percent of American adults reported losing sleep between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve Day. A third of those cited family issues as the leading stressor contributing to their sleep loss.

All the stresses of the season, including preparing for travel, financing gifts and decorating the house, can make family get-togethers seem that much harder to deal with, said Evans, an associate professor in the clinical and health psychology department in the College of Public Health and Health Professions, and the family, youth and community sciences department in the Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences. Anxiety associated with balancing travel preparations, gift wrapping, and work and home responsibilities may be the real reason you’re loathing the family weekend, not the visit itself.

Dinner table clashes over politics, religion and other issues can arise when children grow up, experience life on their own and come to their own conclusions about the world, Evans said.

“It’s tough for parents to see their adult kids adopt their own values and beliefs,” he said. “Parents care about how their kids view them and they want to be seen as the end all, be all in their children’s eyes.”

Acknowledging that there are still a lot of raw nerves after the election, Evans recommends the topic be avoided altogether when differing views exist. Turning off the TV during the evening news helps to keep the subject from coming up and striking an agreement between family members to keep certain topics off limits works, too.

“I know families that have declared a public truce to not speak about politics,” Evans said.

Another sticky issue can be religion, especially since the holidays are very religious celebrations for many Americans, Evans said.

“I encourage flexibility. You haven’t been to church in three years and your mother wants you to go? Why not give it a shot? You love her, it will make her happy, the music is pretty good and you will have a chance to break out that old turtleneck sweater Aunt Heloise gave you four years ago,” he said.

To give everyone space during extended visits, Evans suggests scheduling an activity or two outside of the house for just you and your spouse or kids.

Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University sociologist, said he agrees that family stress is heightened at the holidays.

“This may be the only time of year that we are thrown together with our parents and siblings,” Pillemer said. “It’s helpful for everyone to acknowledge that being together again can re-activate family conflicts. Feelings of ambivalence are often common, as family members feel both strong feelings of attachment but also irritation as the time together continues.”

But some advance planning and mental preparation can cut down on conflicts.

“Above all, remind yourself of your common bonds with your family — the memories of bath time with your brother or sister or your child’s first word or baseball game,” Evans said. “We lose touch with these memories over time and distance. People often say that the most fun they have with their family is reminiscing and remembering the silly things. Most family members share more similarities than differences.”

Cut a Little Slack To Keep Family Joy

Make sure everyone knows what is going on; where, when, and with whom.”

“Expect less,” he adds. There are ways to reduce the stress and make the holidays more enjoyable for everyone. “The holidays cannot be perfect. Families are made up of people with many different personalities and many different expectations for the holidays. There are bound to be some conflicts.” Try to make plans flexible. “If everyone plans to go out to dinner, some may prefer a pizza or a hamburger rather than a formal meal at the best restaurant in town. Try to find a way to accommodate those differences,” Sporakowski suggests. “Everyone will be happier and more relaxed when they get back together again.”

“Newly marrieds or new parents often find themselves caught between the expectations of two sets of in-laws with two sets of holiday traditions,” Sporakowski notes. His advice is “Let them know you want to spend time with both, but you cannot eat “the big holiday dinner” twice within an hour-and-a-half. Suggest alternatives that will let everyone enjoy this new family, and, perhaps, start a new and creative holiday tradition.”

Some people may experience the opposite problem for the holidays: they are alone. “Ask someone to share your holiday,” Sporakowski says. “We did that at Thanksgiving, and it was great. There were five retired people in our neighborhood who could not visit their families. We asked them to dinner and ended up sharing a wonderful day.”

Those who may find the holidays the most difficult are those who have had a big personal loss during the year. “If you find yourself unable to cope, seek professional help. Two or three short visits to a counselor, therapist, or a member of the clergy can be very beneficial,” he says.

If the biggest stress of the holidays comes with the credit card bills, there are things that can be done. Sporakowski suggests that you admit that you owe more than you intended.

Plan your budget to get the extra bills paid off, contacting your creditors if you think you might miss a payment. However, do not take so much time to pay back the credit bills that you cannot enjoy the holidays next year. And try to start your planning early for next year.

“Most of all, try to be understanding. I think the phrase is ‘cut everyone a little slack,’” he says. “We all have our own quirks. Ignore some minor irritations from others and hope they will do the same with yours. A smile and a laugh may be the best stress relievers of all, and they are wonderful holiday gifts.”

The Holidays 2001:
Coping in this Year of Change & Uncertainty
Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS, FAAETS

Holidays in 2001
In the aftermath of the September 11 tragedy, we are a country and a world forever changed. For many the initial intense feelings of fear of other attacks and vulnerability to terrorism have abated in the months since. However, fears were again triggered by concerns about anthrax and calls for increased security to be alert for potential terrorist acts over the holiday season. Because of these events many people are still concerned about air travel security and are afraid to travel by planes. Some are afraid to use other modes of transportation, therefore many may be spending the holidays apart from their loved ones. We are also now a nation at war. For the first time in a long time those in the armed services are overseas supporting Operation Enduring Freedom during the holiday season. Military families will be separated from their loved ones and dealing with the uncertainty that having someone in the armed services during war-time brings.  In addition, many have been impacted by the slowing economy, the rising unemployment and multitude of layoffs, making this season one of financial hardship. Those isolated or estranged from friends and family can find this a season that intensifies the loneliness. Understandably, the 2001 holiday season will be very different; it is a season filled with uncertainty in a year of change.

For those who lost family, friends or colleagues in the September 11 event or those who have lost someone this year, facing the first holiday without that loved one can be very painful. Many people not directly affected by the tragedy e.g. losing a loved one, are dealing with different losses in the aftermath of September 11—loss of innocence, loss of life-style, loss of safety and security with the accompanying feelings of fear and increased vulnerability. The loss of innocence, the belief that people are fundamentally good, is perhaps one of the main reasons that this event has impacted so many people. Many of us are still struggling to make some sense of these changes that have occurred in our once peaceful world. Some may not feel like celebrating the holidays. Others will want to continue with their plans for the season viewing this as a time to connect with others and celebrate the lives of those lost. Different responses to change and to grief are normal and should be respected.

Holiday Blues
The holiday season is often viewed as a time of joy, happiness, peace on earth, good will, celebrating with family and friends, and hope for the future. However many may view this as a difficult time, a time of sadness and loneliness, a time of self evaluation and reflecting on past accomplishments and failures; it can be a time of anxiety about what the future year may bring. During this time of year there is a high potential for psychological, physical and financial stress. The holidays leave millions of people feeling blue, not merry even precipitate the Holiday Blues. Holiday blues can affect men and women of all ages with intense and unsettling feelings ranging from mild sadness to severe clinical depression.

This time of year can be especially difficult for those who have lost a loved one and are facing the first or the umpteenth season without them. The joyful public celebrations and media portrayal of the “perfect” holiday can be painful reminders of what the grieving person is missing. The over commercialization of the Holidays makes one think they are synonymous with “buying” and “spending” and no longer about “caring” and “sharing.” The spirit of the season seems to have been lost in a corporate take-over, or fired in a managerial lay-off.

For those who have experienced a significant loss or change, it is normal to feel subdued, reflective and even “blue.” Merriment is viewed as an emotion for others. Memories of holiday season’s past may surface, or thoughts of the season that will never be; these thoughts can trigger an episode of the blues. Those isolated or estranged from friends and family can find this is a time that reminds them they are alone. Holidays exaggerate feelings of sadness and loneliness; this is normal.

Many different factors can cause the holiday blues and contribute to the tension, stress, loneliness or sadness experienced during the holidays:

• Increased demands of shopping, parties, family reunions, and house guests causing many to feel overwhelmed by holiday tasks and obligations with increased stress and fatigue.
• Unrealistic or idealistic expectations – trying to have the “perfect holiday.”
• Financial problems limiting what can be spent on the holidays.
• Over commercialization – media images and messages of “the perfect party, family, or home,” the need to “find that special gift,” the portrayal of the season as a “time to spend with those you love.”
• Unable to be with one’s family or loved ones – being separated by circumstance, distance, or death.
• Recent loss or unresolved grief – filling the holidays with memories of better times or those who have died and are no longer present for the holidays.
• Family conflicts – during the holidays emotions can run high and result in misunderstandings or conflicts. This is not the time to solve past problems or sort through old grievances and differences. Leave it for later.

People may experience a post-holiday let down with symptoms continuing past the new year. This can result from emotional disappointments during the holiday months combined with setbacks from the preceding months as well as the physical reactions caused by excessive fatigue and stress. Those who do not experience the blues may respond to the stress of the holidays with headaches, excessive drinking, over-eating, not eating enough, difficulty sleeping, or avoiding friends and family.

Ways of Coping – the Basics

• Maintain a normal routine, or as close as possible. Try and continue doing normal activities.
• Be sure to get enough sleep or at least rest if sleeping is difficult.
• Regular exercise, even walking, helps relieve stress and tension and improve moods following a loss.
• Maintain a balanced diet. Watch out for the temptation to eat “junk” foods and high calorie comfort foods.
• Alcohol should be used in moderation, not to mask the pain.
• Take things one hour at a time, one day at a time.
• Do those things, or be with the people that comfort, sustain, nurish and recharge you.
• Remember other times in the past when you have experienced loss and the strategies used to survive the loss.

Ways of Coping with the Holidays Blues

• Establish realistic goals and expectations for the holiday season. Don’t expect that everything will be perfect—the food, decorations, parties, family behavior or presents.
• Keep expectations manageable. Set realistic goals, determine the priorities, decide what can be  comfortable handled, what cannot be done. Delegate responsibility to others—spouse, children. Plan a calendar or “To do list” for shopping, baking, visiting and other events. Let your family and friends know about your limitations.
• Maintain a balanced diet. Eat and drink in moderation. This will help avoid the post-holiday depressing weight gain. Excessive drinking can contribute to feeling blue or depressed.
• Remember to make time for yourself—for solitude and relaxation.
• Laughter can be very healing. It is not a sign of disrespect to laugh and enjoy oneself. One should remember the French Proverb “That day is lost on which one has not laughed.”
• To minimize financial stressors, know your spending limit, set a budget and stick to it.
• Most often the best gifts come from a sincere desire to make someone happy, not the price tag. Gifts given from the heart can bring much joy. Many cannot be purchased—gifts of time e.g. baby-sitting or volunteering, visiting and reminiscing with loved ones.
• Enjoy free holiday activities: driving around to look at holiday decorations; window shopping without buying; making a snow person with children; participating in community activities such as tree decorating or lightings; listening to free holiday concerts; enjoying Christmas carolers.
• Those who have experienced a death, romantic break-up, tragedy or significant loss, need not be obligated to feel festive or try to be all things for all people. Feelings of grief, loss or sadness should be acknowledged, not ignored or repressed.
• Limiting contact with activities or avoiding the holidays may the best option for some.
• Spend time with caring, supportive, nurturing people. Limit the amount of time spent with people that are difficult to be around.
• Call, visit, write or e-mail a long-lost friend, someone who is house-bound, or an elderly relative.
• Reaching out and reconnecting with old friends or making new ones is one way of dealing with the loneliness experienced during this season. Don’t wait to be invited—invite someone over.
• Altruism is a way of remembering the spirit of giving and helping those who may have less. Donate money or volunteer time to a homeless shelter, battered women and/or children’s shelter, hospice, nursing home, cancer association or other non-profit, hospital, church, SPCA or Humane Society.
• Consider doing something in memory of departed loved ones or creating a new remembrance ritual. Some suggestions include: light a special candle; play a favorite song; hang a certain ornament or stocking; listen to music enjoyed by the loved one; donate to a homeless or animal shelter; adopt a needy family; donate the money that would have been spent on a gift to their favorite cause; buy a tree and plant it in memory of a loved one departed.
• Traditional reunions and past rituals may no longer be possible as children grow move away and families change. Instead of keeping old holiday traditions, find new ways to celebrate the holidays by creating new rituals, traditions or remembrances.
• The holiday season does not eliminate the reasons for feeling sad, depressed or lonely. In fact the season can heighten feelings of sadness or loneliness; it is not unusual or abnormal for these emotions to surface at this time of year.

Ways of Helping Someone Else Cope with the Holiday Blues:

• Invite the person to join in holiday activities. Even if the answer is “No,” leave the invitation open in case they decide to come at the last minute.
• Listen to their grief story as often as they need to tell it. Let them know you are there for them.
• Sometimes being present and sharing the silence with a reassuring touch on the arm or a hug may be all that they want.
• Become familiar with resources—physicians, clergy, mental health centers, counseling centers, and hotlines, in case they decide to seek professional help.
• Be aware that the grieving may not wish to be festive. Take cues from the grieving as to how they want to deal with the holidays and remember or honor (or not) their loss.
• There is no right or wrong way to deal with the holidays, anniversaries or special occasions. Each person has to decide what will work and then let others know.
• As caregivers, relatives, friends of those grieving a loss, we can not change the situation, but we can acknowledge it, listen and be supportive.

Special Considerations for Victims and Survivors of Tragedy
For victims and survivors of tragedy holidays, anniversaries and other special occasions are often painful reminders of times past. These days can be filled with heartache and anguish. Memories of holiday’s past can surface often without warning upon hearing a special song, smelling a holiday scent, discovering a treasured ornament or garment, or attending traditional services. The evoked feelings of grief can be just as painful as when first encountered as memories trigger the intense emotions of loss to be experienced anew.  Adding to the grief is the media portrayal in advertising or shows of the “perfect” family celebrating the “perfect” holiday; this can be painful for those whose families have been disrupted by tragedy.  Holidays are a time when survivors of tragedy are understandably often “blue.”

It is important to recognize that people are coping with the events of September 11 in many different way. Some may want to talk to whomever will listen. Others may want to keep the intense feelings and emotions to themselves. Still others have turned to creative ways of expressing their grief, fundraising, or advocacy as their means of coping. These differences in coping will also be expressed as diverse ways of dealing with the holidays. Some may choose not to celebrate as a sign of respect, others will decide to celebrate as a way of remembering. It is important to remember that people cope with loss very differently and to allow them their diverse coping styles. Victims and survivors should decide what feels right to them, what will work for them, and then let friends and family know.

One important thought for victims and survivors of tragedy to remember is that while we cannot control the loss, we can control our response to the loss or in other words:

Circumstances and situations do color life.
But you have been given the mind to choose what the color shall be.

John Homer Miller

Coping Suggestions for Victims and Survivors of Tragedy

• People respond to tragedy in different ways.  Each person’s experience of the loss, like each grief experience, will be unique.
• Everyone has their own way of coping. Recognize the differences in coping styles and allow people to have their own way of expressing grief unless their methods become self-destructive (See “When to Be Concerned” below). It may be helpful to explain to family and friends how you are choosing to cope.
• Be aware that it can be difficult for spouses and families experiencing the same loss to understand how different grief responses can occur. Respect the differences.
• Allow yourself to feel and express sadness, anger or loneliness. The holidays do not eliminate the reasons for feeling these emotions.
• For most people it is important to find a balance between honoring past traditions associated with the lost loved one while developing new ones reflecting adapting to the change. Some traditions may be too painful to continue. One way of dealing with whether to celebrate past traditions is to begin new traditions in memory of the loved one lost, or start entirely new traditions of their own.
• It is important to think through any changes in traditions and make conscious decisions about how to handle them. If appropriate make it a family decision. Explain the changes to other family members and friends.
• Plan a remembrance or find a special way of remembering the loved one lost:
  • Share favorite stories about the person who has died.
  • Serve that person’s favorite food or holiday dish.
  • Make a toast.
  • Hang a special ornament.
  • Hang a stocking for the loved one. Let people include notes of remembrance.
  • Look at photos or videos from past holidays.
  • Plant a tree.
  • Establish a scholarship.
  • Listen to their favorite music.
  • Light a candle.
  • Dedicate a bench or plaque.
  • Adopt a needy family or donate to a homeless or animal shelter for the holidays.
  • Donate the money that would have been spent on a gift to their favorite cause.
  • Publish an ad in the local paper.
  • Write letters or a journal to the loved one to express your feelings.
• Find a new way of celebrating—celebrate in a new place.
• Volunteer. Helping others can be very healing. Donate your money or time to help those who may have less.
• Take time to care for yourself to be alone with your thoughts, in remembrance or in prayer.
• Many find solace in their religious beliefs and/or spiritual connections. Talk with clergy, spiritual counselors. Attend a service.
• Try to stay in the present and look to the future rather than dwelling on the past. It is important to remember we can control our response to the loss.
• Reflect on what is important and still good in life.
• Remember the Basics (See above)

While it is normal for the holidays and other special occasions to intensify feelings of sadness and loneliness, we are also entering the time following the events of September 11 when the diagnosis of depression or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder could be made. See the next section on “When to Be Concerned” for more information on symptoms of depression.

When to Be Concerned
The Holiday Blues, as the name implies, tend to be short-lived lasting only a few days to a few weeks around the holiday season. The emotions—sadness, loneliness, depression, anxiety—usually subside after the holidays once a daily routine is resumed. If the symptoms of hopelessness and depression last for more than two weeks, persist past the holidays or intensify during the season, a simple case of the blues may in reality be a serious case of depression. Symptoms of depression, to watch for include:

• Persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood
• Sleeping too much or too little, middle-of-the night or early morning waking
• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased appetite and weight gain
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities, including sex
• Irritability or restlessness
• Difficulty thinking, concentrating, remembering or making decisions
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Thoughts of death or suicide
• Feeling inappropriate guilt, hopelessness or worthlessness

The person experiencing the “blues” over a period of several weeks should seek professional help—physicians and mental health care providers, clergy, crisis lines, support groups, and mental health centers. Talking with a professional or taking a mental health screening test can help assess whether it’s the “blues” or depression. Those with suicidal thoughts or ideation need to seek immediate care with their physician, crisis line or the nearest hospital emergency department.

Remember to REST
The key to coping with the Holiday Blues is understanding them. Setting realistic expectations for the holidays, knowing what people, events, thoughts or memories can trigger feeling sad, blue or depressed and developing ways of responding to these feelings can all be helpful in coping with the holidays. Most of all it is important to remember to get your R-E-S-T:

Reasonable expectations and goals. Be realistic about can and cannot be done. Get plenty of rest.
Exercise, even walking daily. Eat and drink in moderation. Enjoy free activities.
Simplify to relieve stress. Set a budget for time, social obligations and gifts. Simple gifts can bring happiness – giving service coupons, spending time together, donating to charity, calling a friend.
Take time for yourself for relaxation and remembrance. Give time to others—volunteer. Spend time with caring, supportive people. Keep in mind that Traditions can be changed.

Give tips and advice for solving conflicts in everyday life.

Answer:

The word conflict comes from the latin word “conflictio” which means “altercation”. Conflicts, disagreements and problems in working together will always occur, both among children and adults.

Conflicts can occur in all levels of society; between individuals, in families, workgroups, in local and central decision making, and in society as a whole. There are different reasons why conflicts occur, for example different goals, values or interests, misunderstanding of situations, unsatisfied needs. To live with unsolved conflicts takes energy and may cause people to feel burdened and divided. Because of this, it is important not to shut one’s eyes to conflict. Instead, one should try to understand the cause of the conflict and its effects, and then try to influence or resolve the conlfict.

To openly accept conflicts requires courage and willpower. There are many reasons why people choose to suppress understanding of a conflict. Here are some ways of thinking that suppress conflicts:

• There is no possibillity to make things better!
• I can get in trouble if I try to interfere!
• It is best not to think about it!
• Am I really able to do something about it?
• Perhaps I am the only person who feels that something is wrong!
• Someone else will do something about it!

Experiences at an early age often play an important role in how you understand situations. Stress caused by conflict may cause you to use different defence mechanisms. By not accepting that there is a conflict, you try to live with a “harmony model” of reality. Critique and suggestions for change are not understood, because the existence of the conflict is not accepted. But if, instead, a conflict is accepted and solved, this will cause better understanding of the thoughts, feelings and needs of each other, and can also result in more openness, creativity and community. Thus, the conflict can cause a relation or a group to improve itself.

Below is described a model for good problem-solving. The model consists of the following six steps:

1.       Identify and define the problem: Describe the problem in ways which are not based on critique or disdain. “I” statements are the most effective way of formulating a problem. This means that you start with your own feelings and ideas. Be an active listener, let other people state their views, try to understand your opponent, and ask check questions to ensure that you have not misunderstood something. Understanding the views of your opponent can cause you to see the problem in a new way. But do not suppress your own feelings. If you do not say what you feel, your opponent may not be motivated to resolve the problem. Ensure that your opponent understands that you have to find a resolution which satisfies both needs – a solution where no one is a loser, a so-called win-win solution.

2.       Propose different solutions: It is not always easy to immediately see the best solution. Ask your opponent to start proposing solutions – you will have time to propose your ideas later on. Employ active listening techniques and respect the ideas of your opponent. Try to list several different solutions, before evaluating and discussing them.

3.       Evaluate the different solutions: Be frank and critical, use active listening.

4.       Making a decision: A common agreement on a solution is necessary. The solution must be specified in such a way that both parties understand it. Do not try to persuade or press your opponent to accept a certain solution. If your opponent is not able to freely select a solution, which he or she can accept, there is a risk that nothing is improved.

5.       Carry out the solution: Immediately after having agreed on a solution, it is usually necessary to discuss how to implement it. Who will do what, and when? If your opponent does not adhere to what you have agreed on, you should confront them with “I” statements. But do not again and again remind your opponent of their tasks – this will cause them to rely on your reminders instead of taking own responsibility for their own behaviour.

6.       Perform a follow-up evaluation: Sometimes, you may find that there are weaknesses in the solution. Both parties should be willing to revise decisions, but this should be done together, not by one of you alone. You have to agree on all changes to the solution – just as you have to agree on the original solution.

Test to perform these steps, but remember that your best method for effective conflict resolution is active listening, open and direct statements, trust and respect for each other’s needs, openness to new facts and patience.

Note: By “active listening” is meant techniques where you check that you have understood what other people mean by rephrasing their views, checking that they agree with your understanding of their views, and asking check questions when needed.

How do I learn to solve my problems? Which problem solving techniques do you recommend? Dscribe a systematic approach to solve problems.

Answer:

One of the most effective strategies to improve the quality of life for a client is a systematic approach for problem-solving

At the beginning of any psychotherapy, clients usually expect that the therapist will find an answer to all possible problems in life. However, in the course of therapy the clients learn to find their own solutions for their problems. He or she should use prior experiences in life and adapt useful strategies to find appropriate solutions in a structured and systematic way with problemsolving strategies.

It is always a very useful approach to think of successful strategies for problems in the past. Train yourself to adapt useful problem-solving techniques to new situations!

Here is one of many possible models of problem solving.

1.       Problem identification What is my concern?

2.       Goal definition What do I want to achieve or change?

3.       Brainstorming What can I do?

4.       Consequences What might happen?

5.       Decision How should I do it?

6.       Implementation Do it!

7.       Evaluation Did it work?

These seven simple steps can be applied to nearly all kinds of problems in life. Let’s go into detail with a problem of one of my clients:

Daniel is a 52 year old patient with depression and panic attacks. One of his major problems was to leave the house to go for a walk or consult the doctor or therapist.

1. Problem identification

Try to give a precise description of your problems. You should try to focus on behaviours or skill deficits.

2. Goal definition

You should try to set a precise goal of your efforts. This should be a realistic aim of improvement (not “I want to feel better”). Ask yourself: “What do I want to change or achieve right now?”

3. Brainstorming / Generation of alternatives.

Try to think of all possible ways to achieve your goal. Think of successful ways of solving problems or achieving your goals in the past. Use your creativity and do not restrict yourself in any way. Even nonsensical or unusual ways might be worth to consider.

Write all alternatives on a blank sheet of paper!

4. Consider all consequences.

Now it is time to think about the positive or negative consequences of all possible alternatives. Think about any outcome or difficulties of your approaches.

This step can be split into substeps:

a.       What are the advantages? It is better to look at the advantages before looking at the disadvantages, since if you start looking at the disadvantages you may get so dissillusioned that you cannot think of any advantages.

b.       Whare are the risks, what care is needed, what problems can occur?

c.       How do you intuitively feel about the alternatives?

5. Make your choice of one possible alternative!

It is important to make a clear choice and define a time limit for an attempt to reach your goal.

6. Do it (Implementation of your decision)

Do not worry about being successful. Just do it and see what happens…

7. Evaluation

Now it is time to see what happened. If you have been successful: Great!!!! You should think about a reward for your efforts!!!!

The first thing to keep in mind for a Christian single person to achieve a successful holiday season is to Stay involved. Avoid isolation and loneliness. At this time of year, because there is such an overwhelming emphasis on family togetherness, loneliness for Christian singles can get worse. It¹s like singles don¹t exist. They are invisible! Therefore, the Christian single must take some action to not slip into loneliness. A good way to approach this is to ask the Lord who you might be able to help to diminish their loneliness. Saint Paul writes in Galatians 6: 7: “Whatever a man sows that shall he also reap.” In other words: whatever it is that you need, you will receive by giving that thing you need to someone else. For instance, if you need more money, you give money . If you need love, you give love. So if you are lonely, see what you can do about helping someone else out of their loneliness. Consider inviting friends over to your place. Is there someone in your church that needs a visit or a phone call? We receive by giving.

If you are not in a relationship, but would like to be in one, then take advantage of the many holiday church related events to fellowship and connect with other single believers. Meeting that right person has everything to do with being in a variety of satisfying relationships with a number of interesting people. There is usually no such thing as a lonely, desperate person finding that “right One.” Finding the “right one” has everything to do with being actively involved in life, a life guided by The Master. It is wise to participate in as many church activities as you can. Networking with other church members, especially married couples, can be a good way to prospect for a mate. These folks sometimes like to be on the lookout to matchmake singles in the congregation. It is usually a slow time for Church activities between New Years and Valentines Day. So take advantage of these opportunities now.

However, don’t be too hard on your self if you are not into  participating right now. The most important thing is that you   strengthen your faith and stay connected while enjoying the holidays. Attending Services and Close, fun time with a few good friends can be sufficient. Nurturing yourself like this is also good progress toward meeting and finding the special person that God has for you.

If you are in a relationship, be easy and forgiving with each other during this joyous but stressful time of year. Remember you can not change the other person. Only Jesus can do that. ( Matthew 7: 3: And why do you look at the speck in your brother¹s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye.”) You can only decide to let God change you. So you, with The Lords help, work on overcoming and modifying your own character defects. Surprisingly, when you change and grow, it often has the effect of changing the other person as well and the entire relationship gets better.

Don¹t be sucked into family conflicts. Family squabbles can get worse at this time of year because the holidays can put one into situations where you are compelled to interact with family members even though you may not want to. Unlike the rest of the year, it is not easy to gracefully avoid difficult family members. One good way to stay out of trouble is to avoid getting drawn into family triangles. This is where one family member in conflict with another family member takes you aside and tries to get you to side with them against another family member. Or they want you to talk for them with the other family member on their behalf, instead of going straight to that person themselves. As the scripture indicates we should first go directly and confidentially to the person we have a grievance with: Matthew 18: 15 “If a brother sins against you, go to him privately and confront him with his fault.” So it is best to politely decline becoming involved and step out of the way so as not to block God¹s light from shinning on this dilemma.

If there is a lot of family dysfunction (in a polite and respectful manner) keep family visits short. No more than three to six hours for in town visits. and a three day limit on out of town visits. If you really feel pressured and uncomfortable, consider staying in a motel during the visit with your own transportation available. Rent a car if necessary. The scripture say “Honor Thy Father and Mother.” This does not mean that you must be under their roof for extended periods of time if you feel unable to do so.

Relax and be as easy on yourself as possible. Keep in mind that during the holidays as at all times, we are not in control of how things go. We have only the illusion of control. God is always in control. We can only do the next right thing. As the eleventh step of AA admonishes: ” We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry it out.”

Reduce Stress: Avoid Family Conflicts During the Holiday Season by:

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

I filmed this video with the goal of Helping individuals and couples stick with their New Year’s Resolutions. I quickly realized it was also a great resource on how to stay motivated even when you don’t feel like it! Please listen and watch the whole video (I would hate for people to take things out of context) – and if you try my advice – please let me know how you did!

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Change can be hard.  Continually coming up with new excuses as to why you don’t change can be even harder.  Since making changes can be uncomfortable most of us master the path of procrastination.  This path leads to putting off the changes you really would like to make, one more month, one more year, then another, and so on.

Fortunately for us God has established universal laws that keep the world in order.  An example is the law of gravity.  You know with certainty that if you drop your car keys that they are going to fall downward.  Another example is the earth’s revolving within a twenty four hour period.  You don’t have to think about these laws, they just happen.

A law that can help even the greatest of excuse-makers is the Law of Incremental Improvement.  Another way of saying this is “constant and never ending improvement”. Robert Schuller said it in this manner, “By the yard it’s hard but by the inch it’s a cinch.”  I think it is best explained by success expert, Brian Tracy.  He put it in terms that make it easy for anyone to apply.  Every day strive to do at least a ½ % more effort.”  Tracy encourages.

I like this because the impossible begins to look possible.  Most of us think of our changes at the final stage of accomplishment.  We observe the distance from where we are now and where we want to end up and immediately start talking ourselves out of our desired change.  “That’s too big of a jump.”  “I can’t do all of that.”  We ask questions that promote doubt and discouragement.  “Do I really want to do this?”  “Am I even capable of achieving my goal?”

So, here is how to apply the ½ % more technique.  Suppose you are out of shape and you want to start an exercise program.  A ½ % effort may be getting off the couch, walking out to your garage, and touching your barbells with your big toe; then walk back into the house.  That’s about a ½ % effort.  The next day you may lift the barbell once.  Each day builds on the day before.

Perhaps you want to walk on your treadmill which has been used as a place to hang your ironing.  The first day may be simply turning it on and then off again.  The next day may be standing on it.  The third day may be walking for only one minute.  Do you see how easy this is?  Imagine where either of these examples will be in one month.  Both will be well on their way towards fitness.

Do you want to be happier?  How could you apply the ½ % more approach?  You could start with a smile but actually a ½ % may look more like a smirk to begin with.  A smile may be the second day’s effort.  Each day increase your level of effort by another ½ %.  In a relatively short period of time, you will be telling jokes, laughing and interacting with others.

This can be applied to any area of your life.  You may start with listening more to your children, spending more time with your parents or calling up old friends.

On some days I notice that I do more than the expected ½ % effort.  I may do 10 % more.  I may do 30 % more.  I may just feel more motivated on some days.  Other days I push myself with driving statements such as, “Do one more!”  “Be willing to do what other people won’t.”

You will definitely want to apply this to your marriage.  Pay attention to how you look at your spouse.  Does it convey love?  Take 2 to 3 minutes to write your spouse a love note.  Offer to go somewhere that you really don’t want to go but it will make your spouse happy.  You could turn a poor marriage into a great one in a short period of time.

I once asked my wife what she likes about this technique of applying a ½ % more and she responded, “Something is better than nothing!”  I believe this sums it up.  Doing something will create movement.  This will create momentum.  Momentum can transform your life!

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

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The 10 Most Powerful Secrets for Creating A Magical Relationship That Will Last A Lifetime! ~ By Mark Webb

Secret #1

Decide To Be Great!

Great relationships do not just happen.  They are the result of bold decisions.  It took me years to realize why some relationships succeed while others fail.  Individual after individual cited.

“I don’t know why she left me.  I was a good husband.”

“I don’t know why he left me for another woman.  I was a good wife.”

Eventually I realized that the difference was in the label.  Good only gets poor results and poor results are not enough to carry a relationship, let alone make it satisfying.  You have to decide to be GREAT because a great partner will do many things that a good partner will not.  By making this distinction you will set a better course for yourself and thus you will get the kind of relationship that you have always wanted.

Learning to put the needs of your partner first is the core of becoming great.  Many people struggle with this because of selfish patterns of desire.

In order to be a great partner you must put your partner first in all things.

Partner focused relationships center on the bigger picture, which is connectedness.  The level of closeness shared will be in proportion to the sacrifices made.  If you want to be at the center of your relationship and have everything be about you, then this e-course is not for you.  I am only looking for the men and women who are tired of playing games and are looking for true results.  If this is you, then welcome.  I can show you a better way.

Loneliness is the consequence of self-centeredness.  Time after time, I see people insist on having their own way until their partner leaves them in total disgust and complete resentment.  Selfishness never works.  This is a hard lesson for most of us to learn and some never do.  Most people do not even realize that they have tendencies that are in fact selfish.  By the time you finish this e-course that will be eliminated from your conduct.  Your partner will look at you with eyes of respect and will feel safe in your presence.  Trust will no longer be such a key issue and love will abound.

Is it ever too late to learn how to become a great partner?  The answer is never.  Are you willing to do whatever it takes?  Most say yes but their actions say no.

Persistence is the key to achieve the transformation to greatness.

Anyone can utilize the techniques and concepts that are outlined in this e-course regardless of past experience or lack thereof.  If you are a person with a sincere heart and honest efforts, you will achieve the status of greatness.  It will be a result of your willingness to risk and your persistence to stay with it even when it seems that you are not getting anywhere.

Human nature is to want results fast and easy.  Consistent application of these principles and skills will come over time.  I designed most of the subjects in this e-course to give you fast results because I know how desperate some of you may be and how impatient the rest of you are.  Therefore, I have developed a solid program that will get you results regardless of your commitments.  Even with this said, some of you would give up at the first sign of trouble and move onto another book with another approach.  This book will work for you.  The foundations of this e-course are timeless and you will not fail as long as you stick with it.  So if it is hard, then do it hard because isn’t your partner worth it?  Of course, they are, so stick with the decision to be Great and the willingness to do whatever it takes.

Secret #2

Don’t Worry About Fairness

The goal of a relationship is not to think alike but to think together.  How would you like to have an eternal sense of belonging with your partner?  This is possible and needs to be a focal point in your daily pursuit of becoming a great partner.  Remember, it is all about connection.  Do not worry about issues that are not helpful or productive.  Fairness is one such issue.

When you revert to old patterns, like worrying about what is fair, you prevent connection from happening.  Insistence on having your way is a no-win approach.  It breeds anger.  The anger grows into resentment.  The resentment comes out as rudeness.  Rudeness in any form will destroy your sense of connection to your partner.

Approaches such as “I will if you will” do not work.  You should not expect your partner to do things you are not willing to do.  This is an approach of the weak, not the great.  A stalemate is the result.  Needs go unmet.  No one is happy.

I am asking you to be willing to take the risk of uncertainty.  I expect you to focus on the fulfillment of your partner’s needs regardless of whether or not they reciprocate.  This may sound crazy but I am trying to teach you the skills of the great and this is one of them.

Does your partner have double standards?  The answer is yes.  Even if they will not admit it.  Everybody has double standards.  They can be quite aggravating to live with.  You have to deal with your partner pointing out things you are doing wrong.  All the while, you know that they do the very same type of thing.  You can try to point the double standards out to your partner.  Nevertheless, they only argue that it is not the same.  They can justify it every time.  You never win the argument.  It will only lead to discouragement and doubt about your partner and the future of the relationship.

Take the higher ground.  Do not point out their double standards.

Great partners don’t want to be right.  Great partners want to do the right thing.

This is why you want to keep quiet even when you spot a double standard.  Remember, you have them too.

I want you to accept your partner as they are.  Accept their double standards.  Unconditional love is the goal here.  Too many relationships fall to the wayside because of unnecessary quarrels over what is fair and unfair.  It is very hard to agree on issues of fairness even if a third party intervenes and decides for the two of you, there will still be hurt feelings on somebody’s part.  Hurt feelings produce distance.  It gives a feeling that I have lost again. How is this going to make a couple feel more connected?  It won’t.  So, stay away from being right and focus more on what is right for your relationship.

Shallow victories are all you will ever have if you choose to condemn your partner.  It is very tempting to retaliate when you have been attacked or felt offended.  Set yourself apart from others.  Realize that it is pointless to argue over who is right or wrong.

Love seeks compromise.  Deep connection comes when both you and your partner are willing to compromise.  I am asking you to take the risk of being willing to relinquish your right for fairness.  I am asking you to have faith in not only yourself but in your partner as well.  This kind of action may sound like you are taking a gamble.  You may not like the uncertainty of this.

Remember, you are striving towards greatness and this move leads you to unconditional acceptance of your partner.  Doesn’t that sound like love to you?

Vow to always be respectful of your partner.  This bestows dignity to you and your partner.  A partner who is noble brings honor to the relationship.  Refuse to pursue your old ways of worrying about fairness.  Focus instead on commitments that will enhance your relationship.

Commit to become a great partner and to have an everlasting connection with your mate.

Commit to stick with these goals no matter what.  By keeping your promises, you build confidence in yourself and in the relationship.  Your partner will trust you.  You will trust in yourself because you will have learned that your word is in fact solid.  If you can have integrity in an intimate relationship, you can have it anywhere.

Secret #3

You Can’t Be Right And Be Together

Immaturity is the reason why people have to be right.  Being opinionated and argumentative is not part of the criteria for greatness.  Have you ever considered the cost of this childish behavior?  If you practice defensive styles of communication in your relationship, you will eventually wear out the love between you.  People who exercise arrogant tactics hang onto a false sense of self.  They ultimately end up alone because they drive away those who attempt to love them.  It is also a very exhaustive role because it is quite energy draining when you try to be strong and on guard all of the time.  Another cost involved is that your partner cannot put any faith in what you say because it is so one-sided.

Keeping score with what your partner does wrong often seems to make sense to the person wronged.  If you are doing this, stop.  If you are considering this, do not.  Keeping score promotes resentment and causes the focus of the relationship to shift towards revenge or some other form of bitterness.  So, if you are keeping a journal of infractions, get rid of it.  I had rather you focus instead on what is the better way to handle you.  Being right makes you a loser.

Doing the right thing makes you a winner.  Doing the right thing always brings victory.  This leads to greatness.

Another angle on this discussion is the faultfinder.  There is no glory in being a faultfinder.  Anyone can find something wrong with any individual but why would you want to do this towards someone you supposedly love.  This negative trait must be eliminated.  It is shallow in nature.  No one likes to be criticized.  Criticism is another annoying behavior that will break your partner’s spirit.  Faultfinding is verbal abuse.  If you have been critical of your partner then stop immediately, apologize, and vow never to do it again.

Shallow victories are all you will ever obtain if you live the life of a faultfinder.  It is easy to be caught up in this habit because there are so many negative things in our world.  You could virtually find something wrong with anything.  Every person you meet and every place you go can be criticized.  There is no glory in being a faultfinder.  Once again, this habit promotes a false sense of importance.  It will close your partner’s spirit and they will grow to resent you.

Great partners learn to build up positive qualities.  They make their partner feel safe and accepted.

Harsh tonality can also indicate rightness and superiority but if you frighten your partner, you will only create distance between you.  A loud or harsh tone often triggers old childhood or adolescent feelings of helplessness.  If your partner grew up in an emotionally challenged environment, watch the tone of your voice.  Thirty eight percent of communication is your tone of voice.  Make sure that your tone of voice reflects love and respectfulness.  Do not hide behind the excuse that you could not help it, you were angry.  Your reaction could be training your partner to be afraid of you.  Is that the reaction you want them to have?  I doubt it.  You know that you want them to trust you.

“She never said a word but her eyes said, I hate you.”  That is the problem with a mean stare.  Many people hide behind comments like “I didn’t hit them” or “I didn’t say a word” but remember that looks can kill.  This look will kill the relationship if you try to intimidate your partner with hateful looks or stares.  The biggest price you will pay is that you will become less connected as a couple.  A secondary price is that you will think less of yourself over time and you can bet that they will think less of you as well.  You cannot gain respect by being disrespectful.

Passive partners usually do not realize that their pouting behavior can also destroy a relationship.  When they compare themselves to people who are aggressive, they think that they are more appropriate and they are, but they are not being clear with their thoughts and feelings.  They keep the thoughts to themselves and bitterness begins to grow.  They feel that they cannot be themselves or they will face some negative consequence from their partner.  Sometimes this is based on past relationships so they slowly but surely build a wall of resentment.  Their partner does not realize it and believes everything is okay.  All the while, the passive partner is cussing them under their breath.

Hardness of heart is the result if you choose the path of holding a grudge.  The act of not forgiving an infraction will dissolve the glue that holds your relationship together.  Many people take a righteous position because they feel justified in their anger and hurt.  Moreover, they are justified but regardless, the price you personally pay is too high.  The spirit of who you are as an individual will forever be negatively impacted.  Your character will also be underdeveloped.  Being unable to forgive will stunt your growth in terms of your potential in relationships and in life.

Incompatibility is often the complaint that fuels frustration in a relationship.  Most relationships are not compatible.  Most start out as opposites that bring a sense of completeness over time.  On the front end of a relationship there is usually a sense that maybe we have made a mistake.  Maybe we should not be together.  You are not necessarily expected to be compatible.  A common pattern that reflects this is the distancer/pursuer relationship.  This has to do with how they each handle conflict.  One becomes distant or withdrawn during times of conflict and the other partner cannot let the matter go until it is resolved.  This feels like a formula for disaster but when you learn that doing the right thing is better than being right, you find compatibility.

Family upbringing has a lot to do with how you handle conflict.  In some families, the worst thing you can do if a disagreement occurs is to walk away.  You should stay there and hash it out until the matter is resolved.  In other families, the worst thing you can do if a disagreement occurs is to continue to argue.  You should part company until you have had time to cool off and think things through.  You then come back together as a couple and resolve the issue.  Interestingly enough, these two different type backgrounds usually come together in relationships.  So which one is right?  You can make a good case for either one because they both have merit to them.  Both have pluses and minuses.

Bill and Lisa have a pattern that reflects the distancer/pursuer relationship.  It goes like this.  An argument begins one morning in the kitchen before Bill goes to work.  He wants to have the matter resolved so he is not distracted by this while at work.  Lisa becomes anxious at Bill’s insistence that the matter be straightened out, so she leaves the room.

Bill‘s response is “Oh no you don’t” and he pursues her to the next room.

Each time, Bill tries to make his point or may even try to apologize but Lisa feels smothered by Bill’s pressure.  She goes from room to room with Bill hot on her trail.  She eventually says something mean or cold that causes Bill to either throw his hands up in aggravation or he retreats with a sad hopelessness.  A day or two passes and Lisa is now ready to face the issue.  She has had enough time to process her thoughts and feelings on the matter.  She approaches Bill, only to get a cold shoulder from him.

He responds by pouting, “Oh no, you had your chance two days ago.”

He now sulks in his righteous hurt until she apologizes enough to draw him back into the relationship.  The pattern will likely repeat as the next conflict or potential conflict arises.

Getting in the last word is a commonly held belief of victory.  Maybe it is a victory but the victory is a shallow one.  There is no real victory with bossy behaviors.  Suppose you get into an argument with your partner and you really let them have it.  Maybe you crush them by bringing up their most vulnerable subject.  You bring them to tears.  You win.  You win the argument.  You hurt them more than they hurt you.  You go to bed angry but so what?  Well I’ll tell you what.  You have hurt your partner and now they cannot trust you.  If you continually strive to get the last word in, you will ultimately live a life of solitude because the distrust of you by your partner will end the relationship.  Therefore, in other words, the one who gets the last word usually loses the most.

Challenges against your efforts to stay close to your partner will always exist.  You will often feel uncertain about the future of your relationship.  You may never see eye to eye with your partner on particular issues.  However, you can learn to stay connected during the tough times.  A committed relationship requires a promise to stick together during the thick and the thin.  Your commitment to the relationship and to do the right thing even if your partner is not playing by the same rules is crucial.  Focus on the union between you.

Lift your relationship to a level of greatness by being kind instead of trying to be right.

Doing the right thing (kindness) is always going to bring love and honor to the relationship.  Acts of kindness, even when hurt or angry, are more important.  You will feel a much deeper level of satisfaction when you demonstrate love towards your partner.  Remind yourself, “How would a great partner act at a time like this?”  This will help in moments of uncertainty.  Always strive towards kindness.

All problems can be solved if both partners are willing to stay connected.  They may not always agree but connection is possible.  This ability to stay connected even in the heat of disagreement is a skill that you will master over time.

Commit yourself that no matter what happens between you, “I’ll ride the storm out and be here for my partner.

My partner is worth it no matter how difficult this moment may be.”

Stay focused on the bigger picture, which is seeing the relationship lasting forever.

Secret#4

Always Honor Your Partner

Remember all holidays and anniversaries.  If you want to truly honor your partner, remember the dates that are important to them and that memorialize your relationship.  Men are particularly bad at this but can learn to not only remember the dates but to acknowledge them as well.  The number of men who will not acknowledge Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthdays and wedding anniversaries always surprises me.  These guys just do not get it.  They are causing long-term damage through the repetitious hurting of their woman’s heart.  These dates are very important.  You can rationalize it any way you want by complaining about the commercialization of America.  You may be able to win the debate but you will lose your woman.  Step up and honor your woman.

Here are some suggestions just for the men.  When your woman has a doctor’s appointment concerning the possibility of any serious type of news, such as a follow up for an abnormal pap smear, abnormal mammogram or any other abnormal results, then you need to offer to go with her to these appointments.  This also includes prenatal exams throughout any pregnancy.  Some of the prenatal visits must be attended.  These include the first ultrasound, the ultrasound around the 16^th week that reveals the sex of the child, and all Lamaze classes.

Women generally do not expect their man to attend or ask about attending routine physical exams, mammograms or pap smears.  They do expect your active involvement throughout the pregnancy and delivery of your child.  You must attend without asking or being asked, any kind of surgical procedures and pre-operational visits.  Let her know that you care and that you are there for her.

Another way you can honor your woman is by remembering the dates of the painful memories of her life.  Women tend to be very good at remembering dates.  You need to learn to be as diligent.  Do not make excuses.  These painful dates may be times such as the date of a miscarriage and the expected due date of that baby.  In addition, dates involving loved ones who have passed.  This may be the date of a death, birthdays, anniversaries and holidays.  You don’t want to draw too much attention to these times but you need to be aware of them and that any moodiness on her part may be related to those dates and those memories.  Let her know that you care and are there for her.

Train yourself to love your partner as God loves them.  By this, I am referring to the unconditional aspect of God’s love.  He loves us no matter what.  He sees our goodness.  His love is inexhaustible.  He never stops loving us.  Even when our behavior is negative and our attitude is lousy.

It is possible to love someone that way.  Challenging, yes, but possible.  You should strive to love your partner this very same way, no matter what.  Just remember that this will be a lifelong process for you.  Over time, you will grow better and better at it.  Eventually you will be able to be consistent in your thoughts and actions of love.

I have typically observed that it is easier for us as parents to exercise the practice of unconditional love.  Having children proves to be an excellent instructional arena for the development of this method of loving someone else.  If you have children, think of the countless examples of how you have demonstrated unconditional love towards them.  For that matter, think of the even more examples of how they have unconditionally loved you.  Children are great teachers of the basics.  Now think of how you can transfer some of these same examples onto the person that you honor as your partner.

Here is another example for the men, particularly the men with children.  Always greet your partner first.  If you want her to adore you, develop this habit.  Who generally gets to you first when you arrive home?  The children, right?  They are so excited to see you.  Most men greet the children first, but do not do this.  Always greet your partner first.  In addition, here is a little inside information for you guys; she typically hides when you get home.  She wants you to be interested enough or care enough to come find her.  Do not stop and read the mail.  Do not sit in the recliner.  Go find her.

Instead of stopping to hug the children, say to them, “Ya’ll help me find Momma.”

They gladly help and you rush to where your woman is.  Greet her with enthusiasm.  Then greet the children.  The reason behind this relates to a matter of developing respect from your children for their mother.  In most homes, the father can tell the children to do something and the children will do it.  However, the mother can tell the children to do the same thing and the children give her a hard time about it.  This helps squash this behavior.

When you greet your children first, then your partner, you are giving them the message that they are more important.  They believe that daddy holds them in greater esteem than he does their momma.  Thus, they do not have to do what she says.  However, when you greet their momma first, then they see that you hold her in greater esteem and they had better do what she says.  Someone will greet them first when they reach adulthood but for now, honor their momma. The love and respect that you show towards her will come back to you multiplied.

Differences will exist between you and your partner.

Great partners respect what is important to their partner, even if they don’t understand why or don’t appreciate it.

If it is important to them then honor it.  I know you are probably thinking about all exceptions to this suggestion and you may be right.  I am referring to the hobbies and interests of your partner such as racing, hunting, foreign films and scrap booking.

Secret #5

The Language You Use Will Determine Your Relationship’s Destiny

A stormy relationship can be forecast when you observe the repetitious language from either partner.  Pessimistic descriptions of your partner or the relationship will predict unhappiness.  Both partners will suffer if you neglect to use language to your advantage.  When I use the word language, I am referring to the spoken word as well as thoughts that may never be spoken.  You may say to yourself that there is nothing wrong with just thinking negative thoughts.  This is a common mistake that many people make.  Repetitious thoughts of a negative nature can do as much damage as negative statements.

I like the children’s rhyme: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”  It is a rhyme of empowerment but I believe words can do a lot of harm.

You must watch what you say or think if you hope to ever transform into a great partner.

Aaron and Stacey had only been married a year when I met them.  A once passionate relationship had deteriorated into a cold, hateful one.  Multiple arguments throughout each day led to threats of divorce.  Separation soon followed.  A conversation with Aaron gave way to a revealing statement.  “I thought to myself the moment I married her, what have I done?”  Aaron disclosed that he has said, “What have I done?” every day over the past year.

“What have I done?” implies a mistake of colossal proportion.  They had an argument that they could not recover from and soon divorced.

A positive attitude is crucially important.  You must learn to watchdog the thoughts that circulate through your head.  You must also restrain yourself from speaking words that are not healthy or productive.  If you want to deliver yourself from the chains of unhappiness, it will be necessary that you cut yourself off from negative spoken and unspoken words.

“I didn’t mean it.  I was just angry. Please forgive me.”  Carelessness of your words will do horrible damage to the relationship.  Sometimes people say things that are unforgivable.  When you are hurting or are scared, it is tempting to want to verbally retaliate.  Do not allow yourself to cross this line.  If your response is, “I can’t help it. The words just come out before I realize what I’m doing” you must redirect yourself through the power of decision.  You must make a clear decision that you are going to break this habit.  You must decide that you will work with this until you conquer it.

Just as words, spoken or unspoken, can destroy a relationship, they can also build a great one.

Inspire yourself and your partner by using language, which fills your heart and mind with love and respect.  Deliberately speak words of love to your partner and of your partner.  Do this regardless of how they may act.  You want to train yourself to be unconditional in your love of your partner, especially in the unseen areas, of your thoughts.  This is where the true discipline must be developed.  Will you love in your thoughts even in the times of hurt and aggravation?

A common situation of how negative expectations undermine the future of a relationship is seen in the following example.  A couple comes into my office for marital therapy.  The wife tells me that this is her second marriage.  She describes that her first husband ran around on her and she went through a painful divorce.  She initially swore off men.  Nevertheless, through some time and loneliness, she meets another man.  He is a nice man so she marries him.  But she is so afraid that her new husband is going to do what the first husband did, that she is doing things like:  calling him 20 times a day at work.  She says it is just to say hello but it is obvious through her line of questioning that she is checking up on him.  If he ever looks at another woman or worse yet speaks to one, she responds with “What are you doing?” “What are you up to?”  She displays ongoing jealous, possessive, insecure behavior.  They end up in my office and she does not understand why her husband wants out of the marriage.

I know you can respond with “Well, he didn’t leave her for another woman like she expected.”  That is true, but the outcome will be the same.  She is going to be alone again if she does not change her negative focus.

Renewing your attitude every morning is vital.  I have heard preachers say that you should declare, “Today I serve you Lord.”  I have heard motivational speakers say that you should affirm, “I’m going to be positive in all things today.”  It is essential that you give yourself direction each morning.  Do not just wait and see how your day ends up.  Set a course for yourself.  This will ensure you victory in the things that you pursue.  You are seeking to become a great partner, so for our purpose, you want to affirm something about your relationship.  I recommend that you say an affirmation out loud or at least write it down each and every morning, even if you don’t feel like it or you’re too busy.  Each morning I assert, “I have a Wonderful, Christ-Centered Marriage with Dorraine!”

A college professor once asked our clinical psychology class, “What is the definition of intelligence?”  His answer was, “It is the ability to speak to the person you are speaking with.”  That has always stuck with me.  I must learn to adapt my communication to the style of the person I’m speaking with.  You are setting yourself up to have miscommunications if you expect others to adjust to your style.  You must speak with them on their terms.  This will certainly force you to adjust but the rewards are well worth it.  You are doing this anyway.  I am just asking you to consciously do this towards your partner.  You speak differently to your coworkers than you do your supervisor.  You speak differently to your pastor than you do your best friend.  Learn to adjust for your partner.

How does this apply to your partner?  By learning to grasp your partner’s language and speaking to them on their terms, you show them a tremendous amount of love.  What a show of respect, to adjust your style of communication to better suit their style.

Secret #6

Be Singularly Focused In Terms of What You Want In Your Relationship

Beware of the danger of being double-minded about your relationship.  You will never achieve a great relationship if you do not learn how to singularly focus your desires.  You must be clear about what it is that you truly want.  This does not mean kind of want, but what is the precise goal you have for your relationship.  You must keep your mind on the things that you want and off the things you do not want.  Napoleon Hill, world-renowned success philosopher, calls this “Definiteness of Purpose”.  Without this focus, you are dead in the water.  Be singularly focused.

My family once lived in a home that had a huge backyard with lots of grass.  I used to dislike having to water this vast yard because it involved regularly marching into the wet grass and mowing the sprinkler.  Not a big hassle, but one just the same.

Then one day while shopping at a department store I found a splitter hose nozzle.  This little piece of hardware can run two hoses with sprinklers of a single spigot.  I quickly bought the nozzle and an additional hose with sprinkler.  I immediately hooked them up when I arrived home.  I turned the spigot on full blast and do you know what happened?  The two sprinklers together watered less than the one sprinkler by itself.  The second nozzle had reduced the water pressure.

I was disappointed but it later served to help me understand this principle of being singularly focused.  I often meet couples that fall into this trap of being double-minded or what is commonly referred to as relationship ambivalence.

Let me give you some examples.  A man may bounce between his desires of wanting to be single and his love for his wife.  A woman may think about leaving her husband every time they get into an argument.  The possibilities of examples can go on and on but each one reflects indecision.

Individuals can live in this land of indecision for years.  You have seen them.  They are the couples that sit together at restaurants and barely utter a word to each other.  You cannot tell yourself that you love your partner and at the same time secretly hold thoughts of wanting a divorce or of thinking of someone else.  A relationship cannot thrive at such a level.

Great relationships must be fed large portions of love not meager scraps of indecision.

People who split their energy within their relationship will suffer as much as the relationship itself.  Over time, they experience a slow death of their spirit.  They lose touch with whom they are and what they have to offer.

I remember an episode from “Happy Days” in which Richie Cunningham asked the Fonz about the mirrors on his motorcycle.  Richie pointed out to the Fonz that the mirrors were supposed to be facing the traffic behind him not on himself.

The Fonz responded with his classic, “Heeeey, why do I want to see where I’ve already been?”

Can you imagine driving your car and only using the rearview mirror to guide you?  How far do you think you would get?  Not very far.  Your focus is supposed to be through the windshield towards the direction that you want to go.  The rearview mirror serves a purpose but it is for glancing into.  Your primary focus is in the direction of where you are headed.

This is another illustration of being singularly focused.

You must keep the majority of your focus on becoming a great partner.  You must see a great relationship ahead for you and your partner.

You may see many sights along the way but keep your mind on your ultimate destination of greatness.

What is most important to you in your relationship with your partner?  This needs to be thought out in specific detail.  It is better to be more specific because it gives your mind a better understanding of where you are headed.  The clearer the image in your mind the faster you will arrive at this desired location.  Remember, double-mindedness will prevent you from ever completing your trip.  You cannot have two destinations that are polar opposite to each other.

What can you do today to make your relationship better?  Spend some time thinking about this before you read on.  After you come up with an idea, do something about it.  Whether it is big or small, follow through.

IN THIS SPACE JOT DOWN SPECIFIC WAYS YOU CAN MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP BETTER:

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Additional to the dangers of being double-minded, I want you to watch out for the practice of plate spinning.  Have you ever seen the circus act that involves a person spinning multiple plates on thin sticks?  They may have nine sticks spinning with nine plates all at one time.  When one starts to wobble, the performer rushes to it and gives it enough spins to keep it going for a while.  Then another plate starts to wobble so the performer is off again.  This could be an endless procedure of frantically bolting from plate to plate.

Beware of plate spinning in your own life.  A relationship can suffer because it is just one plate among many that you may be spinning.

It only gets time and energy when it starts to wobble.  Wobbling in a relationship usually means things like complaining, nagging or threats of divorce.  Your relationship gets plenty of attention as long as it is unsteady.  However, just as soon as it starts spinning strong, you rush off to the next wobbling plate, which may be your education, career, or hobby.

This sets your partner to have to regularly fuss and complain in order to get the attention needed.  After awhile, you do not want to put any energy into spinning the relationship plate.  Your partner eventually does not care if you do or do not put your energy into this relationship.

You must set a clear goal that your relationship will stand on its own.  That it will not be just another plate in your busy life with multiple tasks and responsibilities.  Your relationship is your priority.  It must not be equated to the same level of interest and respect of your education, your career, and especially not your hobby.

How long will it take to transform into a great partner?  The transformation can be rather instantaneous if your efforts are sincere.  The hard part is sticking with this goal even if it seems you are not getting the desired results.

If your partner has a put wall between the two of you, it may take a while for them to believe you have really placed them first, before your hobbies and friends.  Decide to stick with this process no matter what.  You can usually prove the fact that you have transformed within a six to nine month period.  You must be consistent.  You must stay focused.

Secret #7

Be Quick To Say And Do These Transforming Strategies

Certain things just have to be said.  These things are essential for the making of a great relationship.  Surprisingly, some people refuse to say them.  It is as if they see that behavior as a sign of weakness.  It becomes a matter of pride.  If you struggle with some of the things in this chapter, then force yourself to get over it.  Whatever your explanation, drop it.  It is not worth the time or the effort.

Let us start with a basic one that most people can agree with.

“Thank you”.

That’s right, “Thank you”.

You can show appreciation and respect through these simple but powerful words.  You may respond that “Thank you” is just common sense but you would be amazed at how a lot of partners never get to hear them.  Do you thank your partner after they cook you a meal, take out the trash, cut the grass or clean the house?  I hope your answer is “Yes” to this question.

Your partner needs to know that they are appreciated.  Most partners are great at this during the early stages of a relationship but once the couple is settled in, these words seem to vanish.  Do not take your partner for granted.  Do not say, “thank you” only for the big things or things that only you consider to be worthy.  Give words of thankfulness freely and generously.

Let us step it up a notch with the words, “I love you.”  Once again, I hope this is something you say all of the time.  If not, why?  If you love your partner and you do not tell them, you are killing the relationship.  Your partner may tell you that they do not need to hear that you love them but tell them anyway.

Some people are just too hardcore when it comes to saying these words of devotion.  I cannot count the number of people I have spoken with in a therapeutic environment who are deprived of these words.  Their partner refuses to say these words as if they reflect weakness.  It is usually a reflection of their fear of opening themselves up to the possibility of getting hurt.  They want their actions to speak instead.  If this has been you, I want you to stop feeding your fears and start intentionally feeding your partner with the words, “I love you.”

Do not come back with the argument that after a while the words become meaningless.  That will only be true if you let it be true.  Do not let the words be empty ones but rather words that mirror how you truly feel about your partner.

Now we are going to push even deeper.  If you are not already saying this, I want you to master the ability of apologizing.

If you want to be a great partner, you must learn to say, “I’m sorry”.

Most people strive to gain supremacy by arguing their intentions or by trying to convince their partner that they did not do anything wrong in the first place.

Do not try to argue or defend because you are only teaching your partner that it is a waste of their time to try to tell you anything.  After a while they will shut you out of their heart altogether.  They figure, what is the point?  You are just going to have it your way anyway.

It takes a great man or woman to admit when they are wrong and to apologize if their partner has been hurt.

Some common responses to this are that you did not mean to hurt them.

“They are just too sensitive or they are always getting their feelings hurt.”

“I can’t say anything to them without them getting upset.”

You can argue until you are blue in the face and the bottom line is that your partner will still feel hurt.  Regardless as to whether or not you meant to hurt the, apologize.  Saying, “I’m sorry” can move mountains of upset feelings.

A great partner strives to be the first to sincerely apologize.

They do this even if they feel hurt as well.  It does not matter to a great partner who started it or who acted the worst.  A great partner focuses on doing the best thing for the relationship.  If an apology is the best thing, then apologize.

Let me push you even deeper.  A great partner is quick to forgive.  If you have been hurt or wronged by your partner, I want you to forgive them.

I know this is a debatable subject.  Generally, as a rule though, I want you to forgive them.  You may feel justified in your position of unforgiveness.  This is a dead-end street for the relationship.  If you have unforgiveness then the relationship has nowhere to go.  If the relationship cannot grow then it will die.

Perhaps the actions of your partner were unforgivable.  I will let you determine which ones fit this category.  If this is the case, I want you to consider the possibility of forgiving them.  I am not saying that what they did was not wrong but rather can you get past this infraction?  Can you let go of your hurt and resentment so that the relationship can have a better future?

It is of grave importance that you do not wrap yourself in an armor of unforgiveness.  You do not want to imprison yourself from ever having a chance at a great relationship.  If you say, “I’ll never forgive them no matter what!” then you just threw away the key.  You have just sentenced yourself to a lifetime of unhappiness.

Couples who are happy are always smiling.  This sounds obvious.  What does it say about the couples who are not smiling?  If you are not smiling what message are you giving your partner?  I have always heard that a friend is someone whose face lights up when you enter a room.  What does your face tell your partner?  Do not come back with “Well, you should see the look on my partner’s face.”  We are not talking about their face; we are talking about yours.  Do not take this advice to extremes.  I do not expect a painted on fake smile.  I want the love you have for your partner to be easily seen by the expression on your face.  Great partners smile when their partner enters the room.  Let your smile show passion and enthusiasm.

So how do people in love look?  Why do they look that way?  Do they have to make themselves do this?  They are focusing their minds on being in love and as a result, they whistle and sing all the day through.

Quality or quantity of time often comes up in discussions about relationships.

Deciding which is more important will depend on the needs of your partner.  I find that your partner will generally fluctuate between the two.  Do not try to lock it into a set decision.  Sometimes your partner just needs to know you care and maybe a quick dinner.  Other times, they may need the support of your presence or for you to hold them for a while.  Let your partner decide which is most important and realize that it is subject to change.

Secret #8

Develop An Attitude Of Service Towards Your Partner

“I need her to acknowledge what I’m doing.” Jeff agonized.

He went on to say, “I need her to show me some appreciation.”

This is a common complaint in relationships, “The Unmet Need”.  It can be a destroyer to the relationship.  An unmet need is very spirit breaking to the one in lack.  Arguing, nagging, compromising as well as complaining are ways people try to get needs met.

“My partner only cares about themselves.  My needs are always getting neglected and I’m tired of it.”

Does this sound familiar to you?  You have tried everything to no avail.  You have had thoughts of leaving your partner and starting over with someone new.  All hope is fading away.

I have an approach that you probably have not tried.  It is not necessarily the easiest one but I bet it works a lot better than what you have already attempted.  It may even sound a bit crazy to you at first but if you’ll give this approach a fair chance I think that you’ll be pleased with the final result.

I first became aware of this approach out of my own anguish.  I used to regularly to through spells in which I felt like my wife did not appreciate all of my hard work.  This usually came to a head out of my feelings of fatigue and subsequent irritability.  In actuality, she did appreciate me but when I would be tired, her appreciation could not fill my Grand Canyon sized need.  The consequence typically was me ranting about my unmet need.  I could really get on my soapbox and preach up a storm on how bad I had it and how selfish she was.  I felt awful and acted the same.  My behavior would lead to an argument between us.  Afterwards, we would both feel hurt and alone.

This pattern went on until I realized what the truth was.  The truth was that I was doing an exceptional job.  I knew it and God knew it.  In actuality, my wife knew it as well but for whatever reason, I could not hear her appreciation.  I finally realized that my awareness and acknowledgment of my effort was enough.  Doing an exceptional job is enough within itself.  I did not really need outside appreciation.  I still like to get my wife’s regard but my levels of joy and fulfillment are no longer based on this.  I now know that many of the things that I thought I needed, I really do not need.  Saying that another way, you may think you need it, but you do not.

I told you this was a difficult approach but stay with me.  By learning to give up your need versus fighting for it, you can gain freedom from it.  Many self-help experts may disagree with this but this approach is one that promotes empowerment of who you are.  Most approaches for need fulfillment set the partners up to feel dissatisfied.  When you compromise you can feel a sense of losing a piece of yourself that would not have been lost if your partner was not so stubborn and selfish.  Giving up your right to have your need met liberates you from dissatisfaction.  You think you need it but you do not.  I am asking you to be bigger than your need.  I want you to learn how to live without it.  I know this seems like a lot to ask.  It is quite hard sometimes when I over extend myself for too long I still struggle with it to some degree.  The discipline to deny this need gets easier over time.

This is based on the spiritual concept of “dying to self”.  You are learning to give up or “die” to the need for the sake of someone else.  Fighting for your right to have your need met promotes selfishness.  Having to have things your way will never foster love.  It only builds resentment and aggravation.  Your partner could never meet all of your needs anyway.  It is not fair to expect them to meet all your needs.

I had a major breakthrough as a husband during a bible study on marriage.  The instructor was referencing the book of Ephesians in the New Testament.  In the fifth chapter verse 22, the apostle Paul tells wives to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord.  Most men like the sound of that.

“If only she’d do what I tell her” is a common statement I hear from men. The apostle Paul goes on to tell husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church.  After this verse was referenced, someone in the class mentioned that Christ died for the church.  In an instant, I had a revelation.  I was to put my wife’s needs ahead of my own. I realize that the focus did not need to be on my fulfillment but rather on hers.

Can you imagine the message that this gives your partner when you demonstrate a selfless discipline to prioritize their need?  This drives home the point that they are special to you.

It tells them you are willing to sacrifice in order for their happiness and best interest.  This is truly a sign of greatness.

Giving your partner this message will create a breakthrough in your relationship like you cannot imagine.

If you and your partner do not have children, I suggest that both of you strive to put the needs of your partner ahead of your own.  I say it this way because children change everything.  Men, you must always put the needs of your woman first.

Men often respond by saying, “Well then, she should put my needs first also.”

I know that sounds right but from the countless therapy sessions I have experienced; women are not able to do this, especially if there are children involved.  Mothers will usually put the needs of her children above everything else.

After the children, a mother may put her career or herself next, and then her man may come up fourth on the list.  This may not sound fair but remember, it is not about fairness.  It is about doing the right thing.  Accept the difference in the ranking system.  If you do, your woman will meet your needs tenfold.  Most men make their woman feel guilty for not being able to place them first.  When you are okay with a ranking of fourth on her list, she will go out of her way to make certain you are wonderfully happy.

Challenge me on this one.  You have an opportunity here to set yourself apart from the general population.  I cannot fully explain how splendid it will be when you can distinguish yourself as a great partner.  We live in a world where there are not enough men of honor.  Men have lost the understanding of what it means to be noble.  Do not let this happen to you.  The generations to come need role models of how to love; and how to love boldly.

Be valiant in how you embrace your role as a great partner.

The rewards will be well worth it.

“But aren’t I setting myself up to be a doormat?”

“What if she takes advantage of me?”

Frequently asked questions like this must be asked.  Women have similar questions about the drawbacks to setting their needs aside for their partner.  If you worry about things like this, you apparently doubt your partner’s character.

That may lead to a completely different set of questions.  Perhaps you need to reflect back to a previous concept.  Do you remember the one where you measured the percentage of how great your partner really is?  If the percentage is generally high then stop worrying if your partner will run over you.  Trust in them.  Trust in these concepts and techniques.  Your doubt only impedes your ability to become a great partner.

Humble yourself to the position of becoming a servant to your partner.  This does not mean reduce yourself to a doormat but rather lift yourself up by making sure your partner’s needs are met.  Attending to their needs is an opportunity to show your tremendous love for them.  Some people will not understand but your partner will adore you.  Do not try to please the naysayers.  They usually have lousy relationships.  Their partners cuss them under their breath.

Some men may laughingly question your manliness.  They mistakenly believe that the woman should wait on the man.  They worry too much about what their fellow man thinks of them.  They should be more concerned about the opinion their woman holds of them.  I find that I get more respect from those around me because of my attitude of service to my wife.

Develop an attitude of service to your partner.  Why should I do this you might ask?  You do this for what you become in the process.  Most people miss this hidden benefit.  The experience of being a servant to your partner makes you great.

Your greatness will lift you spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

You become someone that you can be proud of.  You will be known for your kindness and generosity.

Secret #9

Focus On Your Partner’s Positive Qualities

Magnify your partner’s positive qualities and minimize the ones that are less desirable.  What percentage of your partner is great?  I hope that your answers fall into the 75% to 90% range or perhaps even higher.  Most people report that the overwhelming majority of their partner is great.  I describe my wife as the total package.  She has it all.  She is smart, beautiful, hardworking and kind.  How do you describe your partner’s positive qualities?  I encourage you to describe them in a grand style.  Far too often, I hear people depict their partner in a manner that minimizes their positive qualities and magnifies the less pleasing ones.  This is a common trap many couples fall into.  Stay away from this one because you can magnify your partner’s unwanted characteristics to such a proportion that you will not be able to see their great attributes.

She Was Afraid To Tell Him

Rebecca could not tell Matthew how handsome she thought he was.  She worried that if she said it too often he would feel conceited and look for more compliments from other women.

The opposite was true.  When Rebecca built up her husband with compliments about how attracted she was to his body, he turned on the energy, passion and fire, lighting him up with eyes only for her.

Conversely, when Rebecca’s friend, Laura refused to tell her husband Jerry how she felt about him physically, he turned to others to fill that need.

Build up your man; he will come back for more.

Catastrophe will be inevitable if you magnify the negative qualities.  Actually, figure out the percentage of your partner that drives you crazy.  What does it come to?  5%, 10%, 15%?  Most people lose sight of the 85% to 95% of their partner’s positive qualities because they put too much weight on the negative percentage.  No one is scoring a 100%.  But to find a partner who is 85% or above, now that’s a keeper.  Remember, you are not always the easiest person to be around either.

Great partners weigh things out in a realistic fashion.

Losing sight of your partner’s positive qualities is a common destroyer in relationships.  It generally shows up once you have settled down.  Just as you have gotten comfortable with each other, you start getting annoyed with certain mannerisms.  This obstacle is typical but must be overcome.  If you do not stop magnifying your partner’s negative traits, there may be no turning back for your relationship.  So, if you are doing this, cease!  Practice minimizing their negative attributes and learn to cherish the positive ones.

I will never forget the time I ran into a former client of mine at a local fast food restaurant.  He and his wife had come to me for therapy after years of his dominating demeanor.  He defiantly swore he would never change.  I noticed him before he recognized me.  He sat at a booth by himself.  He looked despondent.  He stared off into space as he absently picked at his meal.  He spoke to me so I approached him.

He sadly stated, “I was such a fool.”  You could hear the sorrow in his voice as he told me how his former wife had left him.  It was obvious he would have done things a lot differently if only he had the chance to do it all over again.  Do not let this happen to you.

So, what are you supposed to do about the things you do not like in your partner?  I suggest that you forfeit your right to point out their negative traits.  Instead, strive to change your perception of the negative qualities altogether.  Adopt an attitude of unconditional acceptance.  Be happy that the overwhelming majority of their mannerisms are positive.  By directing your thoughts in this way, you are altering the destiny of your relationship.

“But you don’t know how bad it can be”, responds the angry partner.

Women, what if he is stubborn?  Learn to appreciate his ability to stick with things.  Love him for his determination and perseverance.

Men, what if she is aggravatingly passive?  Learn to admire her ability to stay calm, to think things through, and to be a peaceful stabilizer to the relationship.

Any negative trait can be reframed into a positive quality.  You just have to step back and look at your partner from an angle of love and acceptance.  Often your partner’s negative behaviors can be traced back to the impact of your behavior on them.  It becomes one of those old questions, which came first, the chicken or the egg.

An example is the husband who is a workaholic and the overspending wife.

When did her overspending behavior begin?  Was it before or after his workaholic lifestyle?  Did it begin because he was too busy to notice her?  Was it due to his lack of attention to her needs?  On the other hand, did his workaholic habits develop because of her inconsiderate spending of money that he did not have?

Be very careful about how you label your situation with your partner.  If you grab hold of the negative interpretation, you may be dooming the future of the relationship.  Instead, focus on loving your partner for who they are and for the positive qualities that they bring with them.  With this past example, he needs to focus more on meeting her emotional desires.  She must sacrifice her spending habits to help him get out from under the financial pressures that prevent him from plugging into the relationship.

Secret #10

Use The Power Of Your Hard-Headedness

The biggest undermining factor in relationships is threatening the future of that relationship.  Why would you put the deepest part of yourself into something that may not last?  You wouldn’t.  You need to think about this if you are ever tempted to say to your partner, “I want a divorce” or “Pack your stuff and get out of here”.  It is common for couples to have arguments, doubts, and fears but do not threaten the future of the relationship in the heat of an emotional state.  You always have the option to end a relationship.  If you do choose to leave, let the decision be a clearly thought out, rational decision.

The foundational trust between you and your partner is destroyed when you threaten to end the relationship but you really did not mean it because you were mad now.  The connection between the two of you dissolves.  The scenario typically goes like this.  An argument or disagreement occurs.  Your partner gets upset and says that they want out of the relationship.  They later apologize and say that they did not mean it.  , you remember how serious they sounded at the time. “I think they really meant it,” you tell yourself, so you drop your level of trust to about 70%, just in case they were serious, so you will not be devastated.

Time goes on and your partner realizes that you are only in the relationship at 70% involvement.  Your partner, in turn, decreases their level of trust to about 60%.  Some more time goes by.  You get frustrated by your partner’s mere 60% effort and you are even more aware that the relationship is dying so you now drop your level of trust to 40% involvement.  Your partner’s next move is to drop to 30%.  The next thing you know, your relationship is operating at a 20% level of trust with no chance of love to survive.

Halfhearted attempts cannot revive the initial level of trust and passion.  Halfhearted attempts will inevitably lead to failure.  Do not fall into the degrading approach of “At least I tried”.  This weak response will get you some pity from friends and family but it will not restore the relationship.  The people who apply the “At Least I Tried Approach” may skim through a book on relationships and ask a few people for advice.  When these efforts do not appear fruitful, they quit trying.  This does not sound like a very sincere attempt, does it?

Another halfhearted approach is a “Full Throttle Attempt That Sputters”.  These people will initially appear quite genuine but it will be just a matter of time that you will see they held the wrong motive.  They do not really want to change; they just want to give the illusion that they have changed so you will plug back into the relationship.  These people will skim more books, ask more advice, and may even go to therapy.  Watch out!

Trust your instincts because they are only after what they want.  What is in your best interest is not usually their main interest.

An “Approach of Determination” is the one that gets the best results.  It is not foolproof but it is not halfhearted either.

An “Approach of Determination” focuses on transformation, a transformation of you becoming a great partner.

A stick-to-it-ness that you are willing to do whatever it takes to become an ideal partner for the person you love.  You must refuse to quit no matter how hard it gets and how little response you receive from your partner on the front end.  This transformation can be a very discouraging process in the initial and even middle stages.  That is why you must be willing to do whatever it takes.  If it is hard then do it hard, but stick to it!

Push yourself beyond your comfort zone.  Be willing to go further than you ever have before.  Think of the people who make the halfhearted attempts and how they lose or have empty relationships.  Commit yourself not to fall into these weak traps.

As a therapist, I like working with hardheaded individuals.  I know this sounds crazy and I will admit it is somewhat tough on the front end.  Nevertheless, you know how once a hardheaded person makes their mind up you can hardly tell them anything or change their mind.  This is why I like working with these hardheaded (determined) individuals.  If you can get them to commit to becoming a great partner, they will not sway from the course.  They will stick with the transformation until they get it.  They seek the skills and go through the experiences necessary to build the emotional muscles needed to become a great partner.

Insufficient commitment and effort will never work.  Please note the word, never.  People who are not willing to push beyond their present comfort zone never become great partners.  You may be better than most but this isn’t enough.  Most of us fall into this trap.  You must focus your energy towards becoming a great partner.  Otherwise, you will be double-minded.  By this, I mean you will be split between the goal of becoming a great partner and the illusion of comparing yourself to the misdirected, good enough partners.

Forever is a word that your partner wants to hear from you, that you are totally committed to them, no matter what.  Through the good times and the bad times.  Through the thick and the thin.  Your partner desires to feel as if they are a priority to you.

Knowing that you have done all you can to become a great partner and to please your partner brings peace of mind to your relationship.  I believe that if a relationship does not work out for whatever reason, you need to know that you did your best and gave it your all.  It is hard to live with the truth that you only made a halfhearted attempt.  After a series of failed relationships, you start to realize that the common denominator in these relationships was you.  This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy of thinking that you are doomed from ever having a great relationship.  We are going to elaborate on this in the next chapter.

The time may come when you feel like giving up.  You will think that you will never achieve the ability to fully transform.  You will question whether it is worth all of this effort.  You might not see any result.  It is at this time that you must learn to redirect yourself by saying “giving up is not an option”.  People get lost in the sea of relationship ambivalence without the clarity of focus.  A “Never Give Up Attitude” is required or you and your relationship will get derailed every time you have an argument or go through a hard time.

Decide now that you will not discourage yourself by trying to find a way out during the tough times.  Doubt is the destroyer you must watch out for.

I want you to have big and bold expectations for yourself.  I want you to set high standards for yourself.  On the flip side, I want you to set realistic expectations for your partner.  Do not hold them to the exact high standards that you are setting for yourself.  Be patient with them.  Allow them to make occasional mistakes.  Then allow them some more.  Realize that you are not necessarily a cakewalk to be involved with either.  However, you will be.

Your miracle will come.  Hold tightly to your “Approach of Determination”.

If you have enjoyed this special e-course, then you’ll love Mark Webb’s bestselling book, How To Be A Great Partner.  You can get your autographed copy at www.HowToBeAGreatPartner.com

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

“The strength of a family, like the strength of an army, is in its loyalty to each other.”
~ Mario Puzo

The Chinese have a proverb that says, “A family in harmony will prosper in everything.”  Does your family have joyous interactions?  How about when you factor in your in-laws?  Getting a family to have harmony can be as tough as trying to herd a bunch of cats.  Here are some of the secrets for strengthening the bonds with your in-laws, whether you are the son in-law, daughter in-law, Father in-law or Mother in-law:

1)     Learn To Let Go.  Your son or daughter is an adult now.  Let them learn to make their own decisions and choices.  Dads, you handed her over to the care of her husband at the altar.  Moms, you need to cut the apron strings.
2)    Don’t Compete With Each Other.  It is okay that your mother in-law is a better cook or that your father in-law is successful.
3)    Don’t Be A Gossip.  Do not, under any circumstance, gossip with family members or friends about your in-laws.  Gossip usually gets back to the other person and will ultimately hurt the relationship between you.
4)    Remember The Grandchildren.  Strive to have good relations for the sake of your children or your grandchildren.
5)    Treat Your In-Laws As A Part Of Your Family.  Do this from the beginning. Be warm and thoughtful. Hug them.  Tell them you love them.
6)    Don’t Be A Control Freak.  Do not demand that all of the holidays be held at your house. Don’t be difficult for the sake of your own convenience.
7)    Don’t Correct Your Grandchildren Constantly.  This somehow implies the parents are not doing a good job with the rearing of their children. This will quickly lead to a division between you.
8)    Be Very Slow To Give Advice.  Unsolicited advice may be taken as criticism which can create resentment. Try not to give advice unless it is asked for.
9)    Speak If They Answer The Telephone.  When you call your son or daughter and their spouse answers, hold a brief conversation with them. Don’t make them feel like they don’t matter.
10)    Look For The Good.  Do not focus on the flaws of your father in-law. Do not ridicule your brother in-law.  Do not criticize your spouse in front of their mother. No one is perfect. It is not your job to point this out. Strive to look at their positive qualities.
11)    Be A Good Listener. It is more important to be a good listener than it is to be a good speaker. Listening clearly shows that you care.
12)    Don’t Meddle. You do not need to know every detail about what they are doing.
13)    Accept The Fact They May Be Different Than You.  Do not try to dictate how things should be done. Most things can be accomplished in a variety of ways. The relationship is more important!
14)    Don’t Tell Mother In-Law Jokes.
15)    Don’t Get Drawn Into Arguments, Debates, or Screaming Matches. Good in-law relations require that you let the little things go.
16)    Don’t Be Afraid To Apologize.  A great in-law can admit when they are wrong and can say the words, “I’m sorry.” Be forgiving and patient for any offenses or hurt feelings. This one point can save most troubled in-law relationships.
17)    Don’t Criticize Your In-Laws In Front of Your Children.
18)    Remember The Special Days.  Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, and Birthdays. Go out of your way to acknowledge your in-laws and make them feel special.
19)    Don’t Confuse Your House With Theirs.  Do not show up uninvited and unannounced.  Keep your opinions to yourself on how your son in-law should better organize the garage or your daughter in-law the kitchen.
20)    Coordinate The Gift Giving.  Don’t compete for the best gift.
21)    Always Be Polite And Respectful.  Even if you don’t think they deserve it.

I realize that some of you have wonderful in-laws and others not so wonderful.  Challenges with your in-laws can take a lot out of you. If you need help; seek guidance. If you have questions, seek answers. The toll of bad in-law relations is too great and could cost you more than you could ever imagine.
George Bernard Shaw said, “A happy family is but an earlier heaven.”  My wish is that each of you experiences this blessing.


Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Have you conformed to the expectations of other people?  Have you done it to the extent that you have lost touch with yourself in the process?  Have you ever considered the price you pay for this surrender of your best attribute?  I bring a message of encouragement.  Embrace Your Uniqueness!

Claim the uniqueness of yourself.

Here are the 3 keys that will help you:

1. You Must Develop A Thick Skin.

You will never break free of the conformity trap as long as you worry about what other people may say.  Somebody will always have something to say.  Some people actually enjoy stealing other people’s dreams.  These are the ones who have typically given up their right to be happy many years ago.  And you know what they say about misery loving company.  Don’t let yourself make companions with these emotional thieves.

Let the naysayers motivate you onward.  I find it empowering when people say things that reflect doubt on my ability.  It makes me stand up within myself and claim, “I’ll show them!”  Use your hardheaded side to thicken your skin.  This promotes determination and determination will see you through to your desired result.  I also discourage you from listening to your feelings of fear and doubt.  These negative emotions will stop you in your tracks if the collection of negative mindsets didn’t get you first.  It is normal to have feelings of fear and doubt but they should not be given the space to pollute your mind.  Famous artist, Georgia O’Keefe said, “I’ve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing that I wanted to do.”

2. You Must Take Action.

With each action step you take, the ones to follow become easier.  Each step helps you see that it is possible to be yourself.  Each step brings you closer to the acknowledgment of others that you are liked for being yourself.

If you are a perfectionist or someone who gets lost in the planning of the details, please memorize this statement, “You don’t have to get it right, you just have to get it going.”

Sure, you risk rejection when you step out and announce who you are to the world but there will also be those who validate you.  This is how you gain evidence that you can be loved and accepted for the real you.  The peace of mind you will experience afterwards is transforming.  You will experience a sense of freedom.

3. You Must Be Willing To Fail.

The reason most people never dare to be themselves is that they fear failure.  Being yourself is a risk.  How important is this battle to you?  You must be willing to Take A Leap Of Faith.  I believe that if you do not take the risk, you will be guaranteed failure.  In this risk, you will find freedom, growth, and personal power.

Visualize yourself in the future enjoying these new gifts that will come from you risk-taking.  Feel the increase in happiness and energy.  See yourself smiling and more productive.  Hear the words of encouragement and admiration.  Hold these images in your mind and then walk in faith.  Remember the scripture Hebrews 11:1, “Faith is the evidence of things unseen.”  This faith is what will separate you from the crowd of conformists.

The first step is to Make The Decision To Be Yourself.  This step is usually the hardest but once you make the decision it seems as if things start to fall into place.

Some people have never allowed their true self to come out or it has been a very long time and they’ve closed the door to that possibility.  Here are some questions I would like you to consider:

1. What gives you a sense of being alive?  What energizes you?
2. What holds your attention?
3. What do you make time for even when you are busy?
4. What have you done that just “feels right?”
5. What feels like you were born to do it?
6. Whose work or life do you admire?
7. Who or what inspires you?

Don’t just rush through these questions.  The answers could change your life for the better, TODAY.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Learning To Understand The Words That Are Coming Out Of Her Mouth

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”
~ Oscar Wilde

“I do so much for you, yet you are always ignoring me. All you care about is yourself and your fishing boat.”
Before Elizabeth could continue, Jamie reminded her, “I work hard.  I have a right to relax on my days off.”
Elizabeth jumps back in with, “Meanwhile I do everything around here!  This family would fall apart if it were left to you to take care of.”
Jamie mutters under his breath, “It’s always something.”
“I heard that!” Elizabeth exclaims. “You never listen to me. You’re not the man I married. I want more romance in my life.”
“Why do you have to do this right at bed time?” screams Jamie. He marches back to their bedroom thinking, “She doesn’t appreciate anything I do for her.”
Elizabeth sits at the kitchen table crying tears of frustration.

When it comes to communication, men typically understand the basic lingo when a woman says, “Fine”; it doesn’t necessarily mean things are fine. This generally means that it would be a good idea to go ahead and shut up.
And when a woman says, “Never mind, I’ll do it myself”, this usually means all hell is about to break loose because she has already asked him to do the same thing several times before.
As men, we tend to understand these statements, but when women start talking on an emotional level, we men can really get confused.  Here are some points to help you understand what your woman is actually saying and will make her feel supported at the same time:

1)     You can do everything right and still hear complaints from a woman.  This may be more of a reflection of what’s going on with her in other areas of her life.
*   She may be overwhelmed with taking care of the children.
*   She may be exhausted from a hard day at work.
*   She may be worried about her parents who are ill.
*   She may be feeling insecure about herself.

2)     Don’t be so conditional in your love for her. As long as she is sweet, you are there for her, but if she isn’t, you are ready to walk away. How would you like it if she did this to you?
3)    Notice the absolute terms she uses. These can serve as red flags to prepare you to listen up. When you hear words like always, never, everything, nobody, and anything; these words indicate that you need to focus more on listening and trying to understand. Her message will sound like a personal attack on you but it typically isn’t.
4)     Here are some translations of common misunderstood statements:
“Nothing is going right”  Men hear this as their woman calling him a loser and I can’t trust you but this is a reflection of her own frustrations and her need to know that you appreciate her.
“All you care about is yourself”  Men hear this as their woman saying he is self centered but, what she really means is that she needs your reassurance that you love her and in fact you want her.
“You never take me anywhere” Men hear this as their woman saying she doesn’t appreciate a thing he does but she is really just needing to feel special.
“I do everything” Men hear this as their woman telling him he is completely lazy but she is seeking some form of permission to relax without him thinking bad of her if she does.
“You are never prepared” Men hear this as their woman saying he is an idiot who can’t be counted on but she wants to know if she slows down or relaxes for a while that he will be on top of things should it be necessary.
“I want more romance in my life” Men hear this as their woman wants someone else; that she has grown tired of him but what she is really saying is that she is tired and wants to take some time for them as a couple to do something romantic. A simple date or getaway will work or perhaps some flowers or a card.
“You never listen to me” Men hear this as their woman thinks he is selfish and uncaring but she is meaning that she needs for you to show her some extra attention and interest.

5)    When you hear statements like these, this is when she needs you the most. These are almost like a call for help. Women tend to hate to ask for what they want or need so these statements often hold a veiled request for your strength and comfort.
6)    RED FLAG! Here are some thoughts you may have just before you do something stupid:
“Why does she have to do this right now?”
“Am I going to have to hear about this the rest of my life?”
“It’s always something.”
“Oh no; here we go again.”
It is common to think these things but you will make things        worse if you say them out loud.

7)     If you think the sort of thoughts mentioned above, you should stop and remember that she is probably saying indirectly, “Please listen to me.  I need you.  I’m tired and I need your support.” Even if she isn’t saying these words, this mindset will help you maintain a stronger and more supportive message to the woman you love.
8)    If you don’t know what to say in response to what she said, just listen. Perhaps hold her. But whatever you do, don’t get defensive.
9)    Don’t try and fix her upset feelings. Men tend to become rather extreme when their woman is expressing her feelings, especially if she is frustrated or anxious. A man will do just about anything to get her to shut up or calm down but she will still be upset because she wasn’t looking for him to fix anything. I once knew a guy who didn’t golf for two years because of something his wife said while upset. He thought she wanted one thing and was trying to settle her down when in fact she stated she didn’t mind him golfing.
10)    Don’t take things personally even though it will all sound personal.
11)    Repeat this over and over in your head, “She is never upset for the reason I think.
12)    Most importantly, be PATIENT with her. Upset feelings and communication skills can easily get tangled up.  Remember this truth and that she is the woman that you love.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com