The solution is simple but changing old belief patterns is not always easy to do. Most of us have been stuck in old belief patterns for quite some time. The problem with negative patterns is that they do not get us what we want out of life.

For example, we often believe the events of our past can pretty much predict our futures. With this being the case, we spend a lot of time worrying about our past and our future. By doing this we miss the opportunity to enjoy today.

So how do we learn to live in the here and now? What we often forget, is that we have a choice. We can choose to experience happiness instead of getting caught up in the chaos of negative thinking. Making the goal of peace of mind and happiness your single most important goal. When you catch yourself falling back into old negative ways, switch your focus back to your goal.

Other factors are also involved. For instance, we spent a lot of time trying to control others; their thoughts, their feelings, and their actions. We can only change how we see the world, other people and ourselves. Once again it boils down to what we choose to do.

We can also learn to see the goodness in ourselves, our relationships and in our work place. Happiness will come easier this way as opposed to finding fault in our world.

A part of having a positive lifestyle is sharing it with others. So you remember how good it feels to do something for someone else without being asked to do it. This is what is called an unconditional gift of love. Look for opportunities to do good deeds for others or give them praise for their abilities. Goodwill can be contagious.

Another factor needed for true happiness is forgiveness. Forgiveness is more than just telling someone, “I forgive you”, it comes from sincere intentions. This will free us from our negative feelings such as guilt, sadness, fear, anger and resentment.

Knowing these principles is one thing, living them is another. It takes time to change old ways of thinking but it is worth the time and effort. If we are willing to work at being consistent in what we think say and do, true happiness will be ours.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Were you taught to be strong, to always keep going regardless of the pain?  Do you listen to the well-intended advice to “get over it”?  Pushing your feelings to the side or covering them up is a good short-term solution, or so it falsely appears.  The problem arises when we continue to push these feelings down day after day, week after week and year after year.  Whenever you avoid dealing with your emotions, they eventually will pile up to a point that the feelings will overwhelm you.  Holding onto resentments, grief, guilt, shame and will set you up to have problems with depression, anxiety and physical symptoms such as headaches, high blood pressure, and stomach problems.

No one is immune to their feelings.  By avoiding our feelings, we begin to distort how we see ourselves; how we view relationships and how we see the world we live in.  It’s OK to be strong, but the complete statement needs to be “I can be strong and still have my needs and my feelings.”

It is not a sign of weakness to acknowledge your feelings.  There are both appropriate and inappropriate ways to share your feelings.  When you are having tough times in life, there are often people around you who can provide the comfort and support you need.  You must learn to seek them out.  Do not set yourself up as an island fortress.  Seek out friends, family members, church leaders, and your human resource department at work or local therapists through either the public or private practices.

You have a responsibility to yourself and those you care about to take care of yourself.  This includes your emotional well being.  You are bigger than your feelings regardless as to how intense they may seem.  Your secrets make you sick.  Seek freedom from your pain.  Allow yourself to process your feelings.  You’ll be glad you did.  The truth will set you free.   Remember, we are all in this together.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

If you are sacrificing who you are to hold your relationship together or to keep others from disapproving of you, then you are leading a lonely life.  If these people truly care about you, they will want you to achieve success in your life.

I have seen so many individuals give up hobbies, career goals and other areas of interest to gain the approval of their partner and/or their parents.  These individuals create a limitation for themselves.  Because they are not pursuing what is important to them, they end up feeling very empty inside.  This emptiness is a form of loneliness and it leads to a slow death of the human spirit.

When you lead your life according to your God-given potential, you begin to experience a freedom like you would never believe.  Your step becomes swifter, you breathe a little deeper and you stand taller.  You will feel a sense of personal power.  Thoughts will become more solution-oriented in your view toward the challenges of life.

15 Strategies To Help Unleash Your Full Potential

1.  Decide to be the best that you can be.

2.  Learn to see your positive qualities.  Make a list of 20 positive traits that you have.

3.  Stop putting yourself down in front of other people.

4.  Limit the amount of time you spend with negative people.

5.  Give and receive compliments.

6.  Be enthusiastic.

7.  Develop your sense of humor.  Don’t take yourself so seriously.

8.  Be kind to everyone you interact with.

9.  Don’t be easily offended.

10. Attend church and pay attention while there.

11.  Seek outstanding role models.  They can teach you how to     speed up the learning process.

12. Dare to be unpopular.

13. Remind yourself daily that you are striving to be your best.

14. Wake up happy.  Get your day off to a positive   start.

15. Give yourself positive messages such as “I can” and “I will”.

Loneliness can feel crippling at times.  The hopelessness and helplessness of loneliness will dissipate once you seek the truth that is within you.  So ask yourself, what is truly important to me?  What am I getting out of my present lifestyle?  What would I have to give up if I really moved toward my dreams?  What would I gain if I did so?  Remember, you were brought into this world with a purpose.  If you question your purpose, then do yourself a favor by spending some time reviewing these questions.  You can be loved and accepted for who you are.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

What do you want out of life? Have you ever taken the time to give this some specific answers? The question itself can be quite hard to answer. Allow yourself time to answer this question and write specific goals. “I want to make more money” is a vague goal. Write a set amount within a time limit for a specific goal.

After a specific goal is made, set a deadline to it. How much time do you need to achieve this goal? Is this a short term goal or a long term goal? We can have a series of deadlines leading to a specific outcome.

At this point, observe the plans and goals and note areas of possible obstacles. Can these barriers be avoided or minimized? We want to be aware of these obstacles but we do not want to over-focus our attention on them. All of our energy needs to be toward the achievement of our goal.

Our mental outlook is an essential part in goal achievement. We need to train ourselves to see positive outcomes. Visualize personal success in terms of the chosen goals. Write and verbalize the goals as if they have already occurred. It is a good practice to start the day with these positive messages. Our day needs to be filled with these messages and even end it with them. This trains our mind to look for opportunities to meet our goals.

Once a plan of action is decided, we need to act on it. The sooner the better. Develop a burning desire to achieve the goal. Share with others the desired goal and ask them for their support. They may not share in your enthusiasm but then again they might. They might even know of ways to help make the goals more available. If we cannot get their commitment of support, we are at least reinforcing to ourselves our own goals.

Goals can come from any area. They can involve our personal life, family life, social life, work environment, financial status, or spiritual aspects. The list of possibilities is endless. Just remember, if your mind can dream it, you can achieve it.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

We tell ourselves that if we could just change our weak points then we could make a difference.  If only we had more money, a college degree, better looks, more experience, etc..then we could let the world know about us.  Maybe there are only a couple of areas which could use some changing.  Regardless, we tell ourselves these things and then we justify reasons why we cannot or do not have them.

If we continue to hide, then we are sure to lose out on all the good things life as to offer.  When we do not take the risk to become more involved we are denying ourselves the opportunity to grow.  This leaves us feeling afraid, immature, and mistrusting.  The longer we continue this pattern of avoidance the smaller our world becomes because we will eventually become comfortable with fewer and fewer situations.

So whether we are aware of it or not, we come across opportunities to grow on a daily basis.  In order to make an impact we have to get started with what we have.  Stop waiting for this, this and this to happen before we begin.  Maybe we are already visible to some degree.  If this is the case then we have to challenge ourselves to become even more visible.  Only the individual knows the secret to what keeps them from letting others know them.  What is it that is keeping you from letting others know you?

By making a visible statement we are telling others that we feel good about who we are and we’re not afraid to let them know us.  This challenge will require courage.  Courage comes from when we are afraid to do something but we do it anyway because we know it is for our own good.  This new way of presenting ourselves will get easier with time.  People will know us as individuals with integrity and they will respect us for it.

Just remember, we grow as individuals when we take risks to become our best selves.  Feelings of great happiness will come from our efforts because we will know that we are taking control of our personal power.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

So many couples wait for factors to line up perfectly as in a solar eclipse before they experience the renewal of passion between them.  You can make passion as predictable as a sunrise but you’ve got to get out of your comfort zone.  You have to stretch your thinking into new areas you didn’t even know existed before.  Are you willing to change how you do things?

1. Two critical things will determine the future of your relationship.  If you’re not careful these two things will negatively influence the quality of your relationship.
2. The Information You Take In.  Positive information will attract positive circumstances.  Fill your mind up with stories of happy loving couples who enjoy being together instead of stories of hateful divorces.  Study books and attend seminars that focus on the enrichment of relationships. Everyone can learn more when it comes to relationships.  Commit yourself to learn all you can, so that you can become a great partner.
3. The People You Associate With.  Individuals or couples can either drag you down or inspire you to new heights.  Create distance between you and the negative ones.  If you can’t create distance because they are family or coworkers, at least limit the length of your interactions. I used to say to tell my clients:  “Don’t associate with any negative people!  Period!”  I have done a lot of research on this subject and I have found out you can actually associate with about four or five negative people.  For some of us, that’s just enough room to fit our families in.

Renew your resolve to make your relationship passionate.  Make a conscious decision and then take
Meaningful steps towards this goal.  Remind yourself of this goal each and every day.

1. Here are some strategies to help propel your passion for each other to new heights. Arrange for a babysitter.  Most men consider this to be the woman’s responsibilty but all women love it when the man takes the initiative.  This strategy alone will blow her doors off.  Ask family or friends to watch your children and then return the favor.
2. Run away from home.  Daily routines can douse the flames of passion.  Get away for a night or two.  Develop a friendship with a travel agent and ask them to remind you from time to time of your resolve to make your relationship a passionate one.

If money is an issue then you might want to consider friends or family members who have a vacation home or perhaps you could trade homes with someone for a weekend.

1. Tell your partner why you love him or her, not just that you do.  This could be by writing a love letter or by whispering in their ear while sitting in the movie theatre.  ( By the way guys, women crave love letters from the man she loves.)
2. Plan time to be together.  Don’t just wait for it to happen.  Passion is increased by anticipation.
3. Schedule  a date and let the two of you revel in the possibilities.  This builds up the excitement.
4. Dress up for each other.  This used to be a top priority but once we seal the deal, we tend to neglect the extra shower and the splash of cologne/ perfume.  Make the effort to present your best self.  I also encourage you to workout in order to stay in shape.  Do your best to maintain your health and your youth.

Is your relationship growing in passion?  Don’t lose the fun and excitement that should and could be yours. Start today with a conscious effort to set your passion on fire.

Warmest Regards,
Mark Webb

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

1. Be quick to listen and slow to speak.
2. Don’t always try to be right.  You cannot be right and be married.
3. Never threaten to leave or divorce.
4. Be quick to say, “I’m sorry”.
5. Don’t expect your spouse to believe all the same principles you do.  Respect their differences and them.  Love them unconditionally.
6. Build your spouse up.  Freely give encouragement and praise.  Remember… it is better to give than to receive.
7. Always side with your spouse in disputes outside of the marriage, even when they are wrong.  Respect the bond of your marriage.
8. Learn to appreciate the things your spouse does and verbalize these often.
9. Try to never go to bed angry with your spouse.
10. Start and end each day by telling your spouse that you love them.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

“I’ve been thinking” he said, “I know how valuable the stone is, but I will give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious.  Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone.”

Giving is one of the greatest character building exercises on the planet.  When you give of yourself without expectations of return you expand in your ability to love.  A sense of abundance develops.  A win-win situation is created because everybody gains.  This type of thinking goes against what most people believe.  Most people believe that if you give, then you have less.  Instead of a sense of abundance and prosperity, they experience a sense of scarcity.  People who think in these terms tend to struggle with fear, frustration, depression, illness, and anger.

Recall the last time you did something for someone else.  Do you remember that feeling of happiness you experienced?  When you give, you always receive as well.

If you are feeling unhappy and empty, I suggest that you seek out someone or a group in need.  And then look for ways to fill their needs.  By giving, you receive feelings of love and happiness which will replace your sense of emptiness.

The quality of your life can be measured by what you give.

—Givers are happier people—

Anne Frank said, “No one has ever become poor by giving.”  John D. Rockefeller Jr. considered giving a “privilege” and Albert Einstein viewed giving as “every man’s obligation”.

I challenge you to develop an attitude of service.  Look to your spouse and children as a place to start and then branch out to other areas of the community.  Giving can be simple or complex.  Either way, remember it is better to give than to receive.

Here are some ideas to get you going:

• Pick up trash
• Speak kindly to a cashier
• Pay for someone else’s meal behind you at a drive thru.
• Call an old friend to say hello.
• Visit someone who is shut in or recovering from surgery.
• Volunteer to work at schools, churches, community organizations, etc…
• Visit someone in a nursing home.
• Donate books to the library.
• Teach someone to read.
• Donate clothes or household items.
• Support our troops.
• Grow your hair and donate it to Locks of Love, an organization that makes wigs for children/people who lose their hair during cancer treatment.

The possibilities for giving are endless.  That feeling you get when you give is tremendous.  Be a cheerful giver and look for ways to lighten the load for someone else.  Have a Great Day!

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

The symptoms of a panic attack include but are not limited to:

• Difficulty breathing.
• Feeling as though you are not able to get enough air.
• Racing heartbeat.
• A sense of terror or dread.
• Severe anxiety level; feeling like you are on the verge of losing your mind.
• Dizziness, trembling, choking.
• Chest pain.
• Sweating, hot flashes.
• Tingling sensation.

People who have panic attacks tend to make connections between their anxiety and certain activities.  This leads them to the conclusion that if they avoid the activity then they will not have the panic attack.  Unfortunately this tends to gradually make their world shrink.  They become comfortable with fewer and fewer experiences.  They become embarrassed by their lack of control over the panic attacks and they start to avoid friends and family.  They may do the opposite and become quite needy on friends and family.  This avoidance behavior sets the stage for depression and eventual hopelessness.  But please do not ever forget that Help Is Available!

I have treated thousands of cases of anxiety/panic disorder.

If you have been having panic attacks, here are some recommendations to decrease and hopefully eliminate them:

• Immediately seek a psychiatric evaluation.  You could seek a therapist first but the therapist will most likely send you to a psychiatrist anyway.  Medication is the fastest way to control the panic attacks.  This will decrease the anxiety so that the therapist can get to the root of the problem and teach you a variety of anxiety reducing techniques.
• Find a therapist who is familiar with treating anxiety disorders.  Not all therapists are good at helping these kinds of cases.
• If your psychiatrist prescribes an anti-anxiety medication, please take them as recommended.  Short term usage is usually required.  Keep this medicine with you at all times because panic attacks can be very unpredictable.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

These symptoms most likely won’t just go away and they can only get worse.  If you find yourself identifying with several of these traits then I suggest you see your physician or better yet a psychiatrist as soon as possible.

Here are the more common symptoms of depression:

• Depressed Mood
• Increased Anxiety
• Increased Irritability
• Low Energy Level
• Restlessness
• Lack of Interest in Previously Enjoyed Activities
• Sleep Disturbance
  • Initial Insomnia
  • Frequent awakenings
  • Increased need for sleep
  • Feeling tired upon awakening

• Decreased or Increased Appetite
• Feelings of Worthlessness
• Difficulty Concentrating
• Racing Thoughts
• Intrusive Thoughts
• Feelings of Hopelessness and/or Helplessness
• Active or Passive Thoughts of Hurting Yourself and/or Others
• Crying Spells

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

• Listen To Her Feelings.  You might not understand or agree but listen.  Most men argue or get frustrated.  A great husband conveys unconditional support to his wife.  He makes it safe for her to share all sides of herself.
• Spend Time With Her.  Let your actions clearly show that your wife is your greatest priority.  She needs to know that she is special to you.  Most men choose sports, T.V. or hunting/fishing.  You can have these things but if your wife doesn’t know she comes first in your life then she may resent your other pursuits.
• Be Her Champion.  Your wife needs to feel your strength and security.  “I’m here for you” is the point you want to make.  Despite other messages she may give you, women hate having to be in charge all of the time.  Great husbands stand by their wives no matter what.
• Let Her Know That You Are Captivated By Her Beauty.  Great husbands let their wives know that they only have eyes for her.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

1. Remember that it is an adjustment to being together. Give it time. Working out the questions of who is going to do what and how should it be done can cause conflict. Questions like, ” Who is going to pay the bills?” “Who is going to clean the bathrooms?” “Which church are we going to attend?” must be answered. Don’t let these adjustment challenges come between you and the one you love.
2. Embrace your spouse’s differences versus criticizing them or trying to change them. Be your spouse’s biggest fan. Stay away from stereotypes that your partner won’t be able to fulfill. You will break their spirit if you expect them to be just like your mom, your dad, or someone else you admire. Be appreciative of your spouse. It takes time for a marriage to mature.
3. Fortify your commitment to each other. Never threaten divorce. You’ll probably think about it at some point in your marriage but don’t ever say it. (This does not apply to situations that involve abuse.) Threatening divorce will dilute the commitment between you. Your message needs to be, “I’m Here For You No Matter What.”
4. Don’t let friends, parents, or in-laws interfere with your marriage. You are inviting trouble if you do. Be quick to set limits with people who try and interfere with your marriage. By not speaking up you will be setting yourselves up to have your marriage undermined. You and your spouse need to establish your own expectations for your marriage.
5. Try not to go to bed angry. Staying connected to each other is more important. However, if you catch yourselves in a situation in which emotions are too high, you may have to back off and readdress the matter at a later time. Conflict if handled properly can be productive. Promise to fight fairly and do the right thing even if you don’t feel like it.

Keep These Points In Mind At Times Of Conflict

* Don’t Yell
* Don’t Out Talk Them
* Don’t Use Profanity
* Don’t Interrupt
* Don’t Name Call
* Don’t Dismiss Their Ideas As Stupid
* Don’t throw all of your problems into the conflict.
* Don’t Forget That You Love Each Other.
* Try and stick to the subject at hand.

6. Get away with each other about every 6 to 8 weeks. This means by yourselves. No friends, no parents, and no children. I know this is easier said than done but it doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. It can be a simple day trip to a near-by town or state park. So near-by or far away, just go. My Marriage and Family Therapy Professor at Valdosta State University, Dr. John Curtis, used to teach us that this is one of the best ways to keep your marriage fresh and alive.

If you are a newlywed, practice these principles. If you’ve been married for a while, recommit yourself to these principles. Strive To Have A Wonderful Marriage.

Best Of Wishes,
Mark Webb

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

The courtship process is crucial.  It gives you and your partner an opportunity to sort out if you are suitable for each other.  A couple of questions you can use to decide if a potential partner is right for you are:

a) Would I want to have a child with this person?
b) Would I be willing to spend my life with this person if they never changed from the way they are now?

Choosing the right partner needs to center around finding a person with good character.  Remember, beauty fades and a charming personality won’t pay the bills.  As a rule of thumb, don’t date anyone you know you wouldn’t want to marry because you never know whom you’ll fall in love with.

Scarlet O’Hara, in Gone with the Wind said, “I can’t think about that now.  I’ll go crazy if I do.  I’ll think about it tomorrow.”  It’s this kind of thinking that gets you into all sorts of trouble.  Pay attention to your instincts.  Warning!! Where there is smoke, there is usually fire.  Here are some of the common things to watch out for:

·        Someone who wants everything now.
·        A fiery temper.
·        Being too picky.
·        Your family doesn’t like him or her.
·        Wanting someone to take care of them.
·        They mistreat other people.
·        They are not over a past love.
·        Any kind of “holic”.
·        People who are mentally and/or emotionally unavailable.
·        Someone who holds grudges.
·        They don’t listen.
·        They don’t call to say they are running late.
·        They have an “it doesn’t matter” attitude.
·        One wants children and the other doesn’t.
·        Incompatible spiritual beliefs.

Few couples, if any, are completely united when the marriage vows are spoken.  The real union develops in the work of the years to come.  When a man and woman marry, they become One.  The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.  Couples need to learn how to make room for their differences and to allow them to peacefully co-exist.  When a couple is strongly connected, all problems become manageable.  When a couple isn’t connected, the smallest challenges seem insurmountable.

If you wait until you are ready for marriage, you never will be.  Marriage is on the job training.  Here are some strategies for becoming Mr. or Mrs. Right.

·        Be kind no matter what.
·        Listen, and then comment if necessary.
·        Commit yourself to your partner.
·        Be respectful.
·        Be quick to apologize and forgive.
·        Remember all holidays and anniversaries
·        Say, “Thank you” and “I love you” often.
·        Decide to be a Great Partner
·        Make your partner’s happiness a priority.

Here is a living example of a Right Couple:

Winston Churchill once attended a formal banquet in which the distinguished guests were asked the question, “If you could not be who you are, who would you like to be?”

Everyone was curious as to how Churchill would answer.  When his turn finally came, he stood and said, “If I could not be who I am, I would most like to be” and he paused to take his wife’s hand  “Lady Churchill’s second husband.”

People with dissatisfying relationships expect a great one to magically show up.  Couples with a great relationship look for ways to make it satisfying.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

New Year’s Resolutions are very important.  They challenge us to grow as people.  One of the reasons why many people do not have what they want in live is because they neglect to set goals for themselves.  If you catch yourself resisting your resolutions perhaps you need to ask yourself “Why?”    Often it comes down to a fear of the unknown.  If this is the case, focus on the consequences of not changing your habits and the advantages of your new behaviors.  In other words, create a list of the pros and cons.

You must also learn how to reframe physical and mental discomfort.  Whenever you stop certain habits, you will experience a physical and mental reaction.  Someone who is stopping the habit of smoking should reframe nicotine withdrawal as a sign that her body is cleansing itself of the nicotine.  This will go a lot further than if she says, “I’m dying for a cigarette.”

Beat war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors and let every New Year find you a better man.
~~~Benjamin Franklin

You must be willing to make sacrifices.  You may be disappointed if you do not succeed but you are destined towards frustration if you do not even try.  The main reason for setting goals is to challenge you to become the person it takes to achieve them.  Aim for a more ambitious goal.  For example, instead of resolving to have a better relationship, resolve to have a great relationship.

Do not let the fear of failure keep you from trying or trying again.  Your strength lies in your perseverance.  If you are stuck, ask for help.  If you feel tempted to fall back into your old habits, then have an alternative in mind.  For example, when you feel like smoking, go for a walk instead.  Do not allow how you feel at the moment to determine if you will follow through with your resolution.

The Greek philosopher, Pythagoras said, “You should always choose the way that seems the best, however rough it may be.”

Research shows that of the people who successfully achieve their New Year’s Resolutions, only 40 percent of them do so on the first attempt.  The rest made several attempts but their persistence led them to success.  Keep these things in mind as you strive towards your resolutions.

1. Make a strong commitment – “I will do whatever it takes!
2. State your goal aloud every morning.  Say it as if it were already true.  “I make a positive impact on my community.”  “I earn (x amount of dollars) per year.”  “My children tell me I’m a Great Dad/Mom.
3. Trust your instincts.  In order to be happy you must be true to yourself.
4. Do not try to please everyone.
5. Visualize yourself as already achieving your goals.  See yourself enjoying the benefits of your efforts and dedication.
6. Do not reflect too much on your decisions or you may miss out on your opportunity to succeed.
7. Write down your resolutions.  Write them down in a positive language.  “I have unshakeable peace of mind” is better than “I need to stop losing my temper so much at work.”

Life will always present you with obstacles that will interfere with you fulfilling your dreams.  There will never be the perfect time to pursue your resolutions.  When you see someone who is successful, it has come about as the result of a resolution.  Resolve to “Do It Now!”

Your goals are achievable.  Make an unwavering commitment towards your goals.  Believe in Yourself.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Remember back to those times in which you had problems and you were able to turn them around into advantages.  Every one of us has had such experiences.  When I first learned about the principle to look at problems as opportunities, I thought it was the craziest thing I had ever heard.  Fortunately, I had already learned that just because I disagreed with something, it does not mean that it is wrong.  So after chewing on this concept for a while I realized that all problems have a gift.  All problems are an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to better ourselves.

I find a lot of comfort from reading the stories in the Bible.  Each of these men and women experienced self doubt and discouragement.  The patients that I work with often exemplify the ability to turn obstacles into opportunities.  Those who gave this principle a worthy effort found the answers they needed to turn their lives around.  It is important that you keep your mind on the things that you want and off of the things that you do not want.

I once had a Sunday school teacher who used to say “Inside each of us we have two dogs running around, a negative dog and a positive dog.”  He would then ask, “If these two dogs were to get into a fight, which one would win?”  His answer was “The one you feed the most.”  Which one of your dogs are you feeding the most?  You and only you decide where you place your energy.  You must give yourself a focal point.  If you get off track, you must redirect yourself towards feeding your positive dog.

Stop wasting your time trying to blame someone else for your troubles.  This will only cause you to become stuck and frustrated.  I want to encourage you to stop using the word “problems”.  Instead, replace it with the words “challenges” or “opportunities”.  When you are in the middle of problems and you focus your attention on your problems, what do you get?  More problems.  Whatever you put your energy into, it grows, just like a plant will grow when the sun shines its energy onto it.

Life is constantly handling out cards.  Some of them you want, some of them you do not want, and a lot of them you never expected.  We are all dealt cards like these.  You do not always have a choice about which cards you are dealt but you always have a choice in how you play your cards.  A philosophy that is quite helpful is the mind set of: “It’s not what happens to me, it’s what I do about it.”  Your fears will shackle you down and create a feeling of being trapped and helpless.  Remember that you were meant to soar.

God has given you the ability you need to face and resolve the challenges of life.  He has supplied you with a mechanism within your brain called your reticular activating system.  The mechanism that helps you tune into the things which will then fill your mind.  Here is an example that has happened to most of us — Think back to the last time you purchased a car.  Before you bought the car you had not noticed many of them, but after you drove it off the lot you started noticing them all over the place.  This is because you had made the car a part of your life and as a result your brain started tuning into similar information.

How this mechanism applies to you and your problem solving strategies is simple.  If you believe that “Life stinks and then you die,” you will be led towards people, experiences, newspaper articles, etc. that validate this belief.  On the other hand, if you hold positive expectations for your life, you will be led towards people, experiences, books, etc. that will validate this belief.  It is all a matter of focus.  You create your own destiny.  Apply some faith to this universal certainty.  Pray for divine guidance.  With each victory from your use of this concept you will grow stronger and your path in life will bring a clarity of purpose.

Another point which enhances this solution oriented view of life is definiteness of purpose.  A tremendous amount of clarity comes from answer the question, “What do I want out of life?”  Knowing what you want places you in the right direction.  Vague answers will bring only vague results.  Be absolutely specific.  You will become more alert to opportunities around you.  You will have increased recognition of available resources.  Don’t be afraid to set big goals for yourself.  Remember that “It’s not what you have that counts, it’s what you do with what you have.”  Be willing to take life on.  Don’t be afraid to take positive risks.  You were born with all of the necessary abilities to succeed in life.  You are big enough to meet the challenges.  You are a masterpiece.  You are one of a kind.  Just because others may have tried and failed, it does not mean that you will fail.  Your uniqueness is often the key that makes the difference where others have failed before.  Do your best in all that you do.  Go the extra mile by being one of the few who looks at their problems as opportunities.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

The holiday season is now upon us. Often the holiday blues come along with the Christmas cheer. We all have the blues at one time or another but the blues are especially common during the Christmas season. It is also common for the blues to progress into a severe depression during this time of year.

What is the difference between the blues and a severe depression? Depression is a persistent disturbance in mood in which feelings of sadness, loneliness, disappointment and hopelessness are usually common. Some of the symptoms are:

1. A significant increase or decrease in appetite.

2. A change in sleeping habits.

3. Feelings of restlessness or being slowed down.

4. Loss of energy or fatigue.

5. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt.

6. Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities.

7. Poor concentration or inability to make decisions.

8. Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

The most obvious indicator is when a person starts making comments suggesting suicidal thoughts, such as “Life has lost its meaning for me.” “Nobody needs me anymore.” “My family would be better off without me.” No indicator of suicide should be taken lightly.

Depression can hit anyone. It is common among all levels of society. We all have difficulty coping with things at some time or another, so how can we avoid the blues? Some suggestions for avoiding the holiday blues are:

Concentrate on the positive aspects of ourselves, others and the situations we face.

Ask for help from family and friends – let our needs be known.

Look for activities for involvement –charitable work is an excellent choice.

Visit friends, family and those less fortunate.

Eat right and get enough rest.

Allow time for fun and relaxation.

Be patient with yourself and with others.

Manage your time and tasks.

Talk about thoughts and feelings with others.

Be open and honest with yourself and with others.

How can we help our loved ones who are suffering with depression? This is a common struggle for those involved. Some helpful suggestions are:

1. Be a good listener. Allow the depressed person to unload his/her thoughts and feelings without making judgments.

2. Look for opportunities to give genuine praise.

3. Be sincerely interested and understanding.

4. Do not constantly correct the depressed person. She/He is already struggling with enough guilt.

5. Make supportive comments such as, “We love you.” “You look a lot better today.” And “I don’t fully understand but I would like to help.”

6. Spend time with the depressed person and encourage him/her to get involved in activities.

Support may also mean helping the depressed person to find proper professional help. A good rule of thumb is that if depression persists over a period of more than one month and/or involves intense symptoms, professional intervention should be considered. Even though it is often frightening to seek professional help, depression should not go untreated. When it gets to the point where something has to change, I can help you make the changes!!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!!

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Here are 7 simple but powerful strategies to help you become a more positive person.

1.     Wake Up Happy.  I meet so many people who start their day off with negative statements like “I don’t want to go to work today.”  “I don’t want to go to school.”  “I’m so tired.”  “I can’t wake up until I have my morning coffee.”
Train yourself to Wake Up Happy.  You can sing in the shower or listen to music that is uplifting.  You could have breakfast with someone you like who is positive and optimistic.  You could have a morning prayer time or read a devotional.

By training yourself to wake up happy, you are setting the pace of your day.  Don’t leave your attitude to be determined by other people or situations beyond your control.  Start your day with a positive note.

2.     Take Control Of Your Physiology.  What I mean by this is that you pay attention to how you use your body.  Walk or stand up straight.  Walk 15% to 25% faster.  Take full, deep breaths.  Use a wider range of tonality and facial expressions.  Maintain good eye contact.  Observe people who you believe are positive and energetic.  Notice how they carry themselves.  Positive people carry themselves differently than negative people do.  Think of times in your life in which you were feeling your best.  Reflect back on your posture, the gestures you make, and your tone of voice.  Learn how to master your previous positive states and mirror the physiology of those you want to emulate.

3.     Your Language Determines Your Destiny.  Make sure that your thoughts and words are positive.  The language you use, whether spoken or not must be positive.  People don’t know what you’re thinking but this doesn’t give you permission to be inconsistent.  Line up your thoughts and words with the kind of person you want to be.  The language you use can either build you up or psych you out.  Any negative statement can be reframed in a more positive manner.  Watch out for statements that predict negative outcomes.  Here are a few that will derail you every time:  “I’m so nervous”, “I’m so depressed”, I have a bad temper”.  If you are going to put labels on yourself, at least use empowering ones.  Try these on and notice the difference.  “I’m in excellent health and have boundless energy!”  “I never get sick!”  “I have unshakeable peace of mind!”  “I’m a Great Wife!”  “I’m a Great Husband!”

4.     Look For The Good In Everyone You Meet And In Every Situation You Find Yourself In.  I know it is harder to see in some people and in some situations but everyone has their good points and so will every situation.

5.     Expect The Best Of Yourself And Others.  Keep your mind tuned into the things you want and off of the things you don’t want.  Your brain has a mechanism that is designed to notice things that are similar to your existing thoughts.  Think of the last time you purchased a car.  Do you remember prior to the purchase, you hadn’t noticed that many cars like yours but the moment you drive it off the car lot you start to see them all over the place.  This is how it is when you expect the best.  Your brain will lead you to the expectations you desire.  Make sure your thoughts are tuned into positive things.

6.     Associate With Winners.  A winner is someone who is positive, optimistic, lives life to the fullest, and inspires you to be your best self.  Strive to limit your interactions with negative people.  Negative people will drain you of your energy and sense of hope.

7.     Seek Out The Power Of Role Models.  Stop trying to reinvent the wheel.  Seek out people in our community who are excelling in the areas you want to better yourself.  This can be a great parent or spouse, a successful business person, a strong spiritual example, or student.  The paths to success have already been paved.  If you follow them, you are sure to succeed as well.  An outstanding role model can save you years of trial and error.

You can alter the course of your life by altering your attitude.  Nothing can stop a person with a positive mental attitude from achieving their goals.  On the flipside, nothing can help a person with a negative attitude.  Commit yourself to starting off your todays with a positive attitude.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

25 Strategies For Preventing Holiday Headaches With Your Family

The tension of a lifetime can emerge during a holiday visit with family.  There is something about family gatherings that can transform even the most confident man or woman into a helpless child, and usually thoughtful people into petty bickerers.  If you are stressing out about spending holidays with your family, here are some strategies that can keep you from getting sucked into family conflicts.

1.     Invite a friend or two to participate in family gatherings.  Behavior almost always improves in the presence of outsiders.

2.     Consider having family events in a neutral place such as a restaurant or a resort.  Reserve these places early.

3.     If specific family members get on your nerves, come up with a strategy to deal with the situation when it occurs.

4.     Develop your sense of humor.  Most things can be amusing if you don’t take them too seriously.

5.     Everybody tends to stay up later during holiday visits.  Tiredness tends to ensure bickering and short temperedness.  This is true for children and adults.  Get plenty of rest.

6.     Don’t take responsibility for everyone else’s happiness.  It’s okay to simplify, ask for help and change the way things have been done in the past.

7.     Avoid the need to criticize or to tell someone how things “Should be done”.  Remember, you have two ears and one mouth.  Listen more, talk less.

8.     If your momma asks you to go to church with her, go.  You love her and it will make her happy.

9.     If your family tends to have intense debates about religion or politics, you might want to declare a truce.  Typically, days can be spent preparing for the big meal and this well thought out event can quickly be ruined over a useless debate.

10. Make sure everyone knows what is going on; where, when and with whom.

11. Expect the unexpected.  Be prepared for the unplanned events that always seem to occur at family get togethers.  Be flexible.  Remember you didn’t pick your family and they didn’t pick you either.

12. Be mindful of the things you have instead of the things you don’t have.  Gratitude will keep you more focused on peace and harmony.

13. Lead by example.  When family members see you avoid petty conflicts, they will more likely follow your lead.

14. Brace yourself for teenagers.  Keep these strategies in mind:

a.      Avoid power struggles

b.     Expect some limit testing

c.     Focus more on listening than on demanding to be heard.

d.     Take a time out yourself when you feel the need.

e.      Establish curfews, expectations, guidelines ahead of time.

15. If family members prefer to remain home alone for their own personal reasons, respect their wishes and don’t pressure them into uncomfortable social situations.

16. You must accept the fact that it may not be possible to have a house full of relatives who get along.  It may be better to have a smaller gathering comprised of family and friends who interact well together than a larger group that doesn’t get along.

17. Don’t aim for perfection.  Unrealistic demands you place on yourself is a recipe for frustration and disaster.

18. If your family gathering is too much stress to bear, consider not going.

19. Leave your baggage at the door.  You don’t have to resolve unfinished family business during this holiday visit.  I suggest you plan to do it at another time if you feel the need.

20. Avoid too much downtime.  You are setting yourself up for conflicts if you allow your guests to get bored.  Plan group activities.  Go to a movie or local attraction.  Ride around and look at Christmas lights or play a game of football.

21. Make sure you spend quality time with your spouse and your children.  They are your priority, not your parents or siblings.

22. Don’t try to diet.  This is usually a dumb idea.  Moderation in food and alcohol is a better idea.  Make a plan and then do your best to stick to it.

23. Have realistic expectations and “go with the flow”.  It also helps if you can remember to breathe.

24. If a family member is not able to attend the holiday festivities, arrange a phone call or make a videotape of them event and mail it to them.

25. Keep family visits short.  Consider staying in a motel.  Remember the words of Benjamin Franklin, “Fish and company both stink after 3 days”.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. Mark Webb is also the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Your Best Self…
…Will Build A Better Relationship

The greatest gift you can give to somebody is your own personal development.  Stop waiting for the “some day” that never seems to come.  Stop waiting for people and circumstances to change.  Instead change what you can, yourself. Don’t settle for less than you can be.  Strive to be your best self.  When you take better care of yourself, everybody wins.  You will be a better partner and for that matter, a better parent, a better friend, and a better citizen.  Everybody benefits from your personal development.
This may sound a little odd but always work harder on yourself than you do your job.  You can change the word “job” to any other area of responsibility such as your marriage or your children.  I’m not telling you to go to work tomorrow and put your feet up on your desk with your hands behind your head.  If you do, then your supervisor will firmly ask you, “What do you think you’re doing?”  I don’t think your boss will appreciate it if you respond, “I’m just taking care of myself today.”  What I am telling you to do is to take better care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Self-responsibility is the goal here, not selfishness.  You are not trying to be first but rather the best that you can be.  You are taking care of yourself for the people that you love.  It’s like the pregnant mother who quits smoking for the sake of her unborn child.  Or the grandfather who starts an exercise and nutrition program because he wants to watch his grandchildren grow up.  By taking better care of us, others will benefit.  This can also be compared to keeping your car tuned up.  The tune-ups will get you better mileage and the engine will last much longer.
Your decision to improve is the starting point.  Decide to take charge of your life TODAY!  Decide to separate yourself from the crowd that only makes excuses for why they aren’t living life to the fullest.  Their excuses are based on fear.  You must conquer your fears.  If you listen to your fears, you will never know your truest potential.  Your fears will act as roadblocks that keep you from experiencing all of the good things that life has to offer.  Fear can fill your mind with thoughts that will hold you back.  These thoughts may be such as, “I can’t”, “It’s been tried before”, “It’s too hard” and “I’m not good enough”.  It doesn’t take much of this before you no longer trust your instincts.  All of us have been through trials of many kinds.  It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get back up.  Your past doesn’t predict your future.  Don’t be afraid to live.  I challenge you to respond positively, not negatively, to the things that happen to you.
When it looks like you’ve exhausted all of the possibilities, remember this “You Haven’t”!  Don’t wish for less problems, wish for more skills.  Surround yourself with people and resources that have the answers for self-improvement.  If you have a weakness, you need to be strong enough to admit it and then get some help to correct it.  Commit yourself to at least fifteen to thirty minutes per day of study for self-improvement.  This can be reading, listening to a tape, or watching a program but make sure you get your time in.  You can miss a meal but don’t miss this time of study.  Focus on topics that promote spiritual, emotional, physical, and mental growth.  Life will become much easier as you become better equipped to handle its challenges.
What could you do with your life if you really decide to?  How do you want to be remembered?  Stay away from the dead end street of comparing yourself to others.  Doing your best is more important than being the best.  Choose to make the most of each and every day.  By building a solid foundation of self-improvement you will have so much more to offer to the ones you love.  When you are your best self everybody wins.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Now they are sincerely asking for another chance.  “I’ll do anything”, they cry out with a trembling voice.  Their hurt moves you.  What if they really mean it this time?  How can you be sure?

Keep these 5 points in mind:

1. You don’t have to give them another chance.  Remembering this point first can save you a lot of unnecessary thinking and unnecessary conversations.
2. If they are sincere, they will keep their promises.  If they said they will stop yelling, then they will stop.  If they said they will go to therapy, then they will schedule appointments and go (with or without you).
3. They won’t pressure you.  They will give you plenty of time and space.
4. You will notice more thoughtful listening.  Their attitude will be humble, not arrogant or pouting.
5. You should see an 80% to 90% improvement in areas of their behavior that you had previously complained about, maybe even 100%.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

Do You Have Trouble Keeping Your Mouth Shut When You Are Angry?

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”  If you answered yes to the title question I am sure you have realized the truth in this quote by Ambrose Bierce.  In order to gain control over your tongue you must be determined to see things differently.  People who lose their temper tend to view life in a negative and judgmental way.  You have the ability to direct your mind away from angry and upset feelings.  You need to realize that you can have peace of mind instead of conflict.
This article will cover a variety of mindsets and behaviors that will teach you how to keep your mouth shut when you are angry.

1. Be quick to listen and slow to speak.  Remember that you have two ears and only one mouth.  Use them in this proportion.  It’s better to be a good listener than to be a good speaker.  Listen carefully to what the other person has to say.  Take your time before giving them an answer.
2. Don’t be double minded.  You can’t have peace of mind and conflict at the same time.  Be clearly focused on the outcome that you want.  (Example: “I want to go to bed tonight feeling close to my partner.”).
3. You can’t be right and be married.  You have to decide “Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?”  Trying to be right will destroy the connection between you.  Instead, strive to do the right thing.
4. Don’t jump to conclusions.  Slow down and think through the situation.
5. Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head.  I often hear people say, “I cannot keep from saying the thoughts I have.”  You can and you must.
6. As I was writing this, my daughter reminded me of Thumper’s quote in the movie, “Bambi”.  “If you can’t say something nice…don’t say nothing at all.”  This is always good advice.
7. Don’t overreact to criticism.  Beneath the criticism is an underlying message.  Criticism is a smoke screen for deeper feelings.  I compare criticism to cheese on a mousetrap.  What happens when the mouse takes the cheese?  He gets his tail caught in the trap.  That’s what happens when you take the bait of criticism.  Don’t take the bait.  Listen for the underlying message.
8. Stay away from negative thoughts and statements like, “I hate this!”  “This is driving me crazy!” “I can’t stand this!”  These types of statements are like throwing gasoline on a fire.  You are making it much more intense.  Replace these with positive declarations such as “I can handle this.” “This is not that big of a deal.”  “I have unshakeable peace of mind.”  “Nothing bothers me.”  Your thoughts will direct your emotions.  Choose positive thoughts that help you keep your peace.
9. If someone uses absolute terms like “always”, “never”, “everybody”, and “nobody”; don’t take them literally.  These are emotional terms.  If your wife says “You never take me anywhere.”  and you know that’s not true; don’t take it as a personal attack.  Try and hear her underlying request that she needs to know she is special and she wants to spend some time with you.
10. Don’t overreact and don’t give advice too quickly.  This only trains people not to be open with you.
11. Don’t try to get in the last word.  It’s not worth the damage you could do by trying to win or be heard.
12. If you are angry repeat this scripture based verse in your head, “In all things be self controlled.”  Say it over and over so that you don’t get derailed into an argument.
13. There is life and death in the spoken word.  Make sure your words build people up versus tearing them down.
14. Remember to breathe.  Stick with the basics.  When you are upset, take a few deep breaths.
15. Strive to use an approach that promotes honor and respect.  This can make the difference between a twenty minute argument and a 3 day war.
16. Realize that your anger most likely is not going to help solve the problem and may actually make the matter worse.
17. Calmness will help you get to the heart of the matter.  This leads to conflict resolution.  Trying to be right or show your might will lead to conflict.
18. Staying connected is more important than making your point.

The only one who is responsible for the way your life works out is you.  You cannot change the past, but you can take responsibility for your future.  All it takes is a decision.  Decide to live a life of discipline rather than one of regret.  Remember that discipline weighs ounces and regret weighs tons.  Develop the power of a tamed tongue.

Best of Wishes,

Mark Webb

Creating realistic expectations can be quite challenging because most of us want the memories to be perfect.  It becomes difficult to enjoy time with family and friends when you have too many responsibilities and not enough time.  I suggest that you think on paper.  Make to-do lists.  Focus on the activities that will bring the desired result.  Understand what makes the holiday season special for you. What kind of experiences do you want to create this year? Remember that everything does not have to be perfect.  Once you have clarity on this, things will fall into place much easier.

Recognize and accept your own limitations.  Plan ahead and create a budget. Don’t confuse being busy with accomplishment.  Learn from your past mistakes.  Better yet, learn from other people’s mistakes.  Lack of planning ultimately leads to failure.  The holiday films that we all enjoy don’t show you the crew of staff behind the scenes who set up everything to look perfect.  Be wise in your approaches.

Here are some examples:

• Save yourself a few hours by ordering a cake instead of baking it yourself.
• Allow a cleaning person or crew to come in once a year during the holiday season to clean your home.
• Avoid the crowded stores; shop from the Internet or from catalogs.  These companies can ship the gifts for you.
• If you are having an informal get-together use nice, sturdy, and disposable plates and utensils.  Save the china for the more formal events.
• Most guests are willing to bring a side dish or appetizer.  Let them help.
• Designate a children’s room for play and one for eating.  Decorate with an inexpensive tablecloth.  Place a few drop cloths under the children’s seats to save wear and tear on your carpet.  This can reduce lots of stress.
• Gather your family, order a couple of pizzas and have a decorating party.  Create some family traditions.
• If you have a crowd coming over or people with small children, you can decrease your anxiety by putting up the breakable treasures.
• Buy a few disposable cameras and place them throughout the house.  Tell your guests to take pictures as they see fit.  This will keep you from being solely responsible for getting the holiday memories and you may finally get in some of the pictures.

Brace yourself for the upcoming stress of the holidays.  Watch out for increased irritability, decreased sleep or feeling overwhelmed.  Give yourself enough time so that you don’t have to rush.  Don’t let your mouth overload your back.  Learn to say “No”.  Some simple but powerful advice is:  Remember to breathe.  By the way, you should expect to feel down right after entertaining and after Christmas Day.

If you are going to be a guest at someone’s home, you may want to consider these suggestions:

• Don’t stay too long.  You may want to shorten the length of the visit instead of wearing out your welcome.
• Discipline your own children.  If Little Johnny goes wild, then Little Johnny’s parents need to be the ones who handle it – no one else.  This keeps toes from getting stepped on.
• Set differences aside.  Don’t try to resolve past issues at this time.
• It may be wise to make separate accommodations as a hotel rather than staying at a relative’s home.
• Be helpful to the host.

It is totally normal after being in situations that place you under peak emotional demands that your body and mind will need to regroup.  Make sure you get plenty of extra rest.

Helen Keller once said, “The only real blind person at Christmas time is he who has not Christmas in his heart.”  Christmas is a state of mind.  Enjoy the holiday season.  There is more to it than baking and entertaining.  Make sure they are full of fun and laughter. Create happy feelings and memories.  Look at the holidays through the eyes of a child.

The three stages of a man’s life:

• He believes in Santa Claus.
• He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
• He is Santa Claus.

What should you do if you are having a hard time with the holidays

If you and your family are dealing with loss or separation, discuss how you are feeling.  Acknowledging how you feel will reduce emotional stress.  Holding feelings inside creates tension and depression.  Symptoms to watch out for are:

• Depressed Mood
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Low Energy Level
• Restlessness
• Sleep and/or Appetite Disturbance
• Feelings of Worthlessness
• Feelings of Hopelessness and/or Helplessness

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).

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• Don’t Rally the Troops.  This means don’t go around and talk with all of your partner’s friends, family, co-workers and worst of all, your religious leader.  Men are especially prone to do this.  This is a form of emotional manipulation based on guilt and shame and tends to only push your partner further away.
• Don’t Fish For Reassurance.  This no-no is a search for a ray of hope from the words “I love you too”.  Don’t bait your partner with the proclamation “I love you”.  This forces them to respond with “I love you too” which they don’t want to say.  They may not give any response, which really hurts.
• Don’t Repeatedly Ask Your Partner To Come Back To You.  Each time you ask you are usually setting your chances back for another week.
• Don’t Call.  Don’t Drive By.  Don’t Show Up At Their Work.  Exercise a lot of restraint.  This is very hard but it is crucial.
• Don’t Try To Figure This Out By Yourself.  Get a therapist or an equivalent to help you process your feelings and to develop the best approach.  Telling everyone the business of your relationship will only undermine your goal and most likely make you look stupid.
• Don’t Try To Be A Detective.  Snooping around is a violation of their personal space.  Don’t go through their dressers, their e-mail, or their car. Just because they aren’t feeling close to you doesn’t mean that there is someone else.
• Don’t Send Your Best Friend As Your Ambassador.  This approach works better than you going but you have to consider that you are only trying to gain leverage versus respecting their need for space and time.
• Don’t Try To Make Them Jealous.  If you do this you are playing games and not seriously making an effort to hear the needs of your partner.  You’re also playing with other people’s emotions.
• Don’t’ Talk Bad About Your Partner.  Saying negative things about your partner or trying to get people to side with you by telling your partner’s faults or private matters is unforgivable.
• Don’t Display Temper Tantrums.  A lot of people use aggression to get their way but this reinforces your partner’s notion of why they left in the first place.
• Don’t Use Children As Pawns.  Children are effective tools to play with your partner’s heart.  However, this does damage to the children and your partner will grow to hate you.  Stop trying to get your way and begin doing the right thing.
• Don’t Be Inconsistent.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™.  Sign up for Mark Webb’s “Relationship Strategies”  Ezine ($100 Value).  Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com