When doing these 8 things, a woman can stop the cycle of painful and needless arguments between herself and her man. Think of how nice it would be if these simple changes can help change the path of your relationship from bad to better.
1) Don’t Stack Up The Complaints. Overwhelming a man is easy. Men tend to argue one point at a time and women seem to have an amazing ability with total grievance recall. A woman will surely win every argument if she stacks up her complaints. She will establish a victory because men generally do not have the same capacity for memory. He will only get frustrated and the only way he can balance the equation is to be mean. This usually leads to her listing all of the things he has done wrong. Her list, whether accurate or not, is overwhelming to her man. All of these memories can be debated, which typically happens, then results in never resolving anything.
2) Ease Up On The Absolutes. Interpretation of what a woman is trying to say is largely screwed up through the use of absolutes. Language that involves “always”, “never”, “nobody”, “everybody”, “nothing”, etc.., confuses a man because he takes it literally. These types of words are more emotionally based and men hear them as a total lack of appreciation for the efforts that he does make. A man will think he is wasting his time trying to please his woman when she uses absolutes. During conversations about potentially heated subjects refrain from using absolutes and notice how much better he responds.
3) Don’t Compare Him To Someone Else. Measure your man by what he is capable of but do not make statements like, “I wish you were more like Lisa’s husband, Jeff.” People have enough trouble in comparing themselves to others. Rather than make these comparisons to a man, it is better to build him up by reminding him of his better qualities. Men hear comparisons as just another reminder that he is inadequate. He hears that you are disappointed and unhappy with him in general.
4) Lower Your Tone Of Voice. Hostile intentions are perceived when a woman raises her voice. Most people get louder when they are upset or they want their point to be heard. Keep your tone of voice relaxed and calm. You can add an element of firmness but do not let your tone rise to a point that your statement is an attack. Once a person feels attacked, they go into defense mode and will resist hearing anything that hints at agreeing they have made a mistake or wrong decision. Not much of anything gets accomplished when a person goes into this defensive position. The aim is to keep communication open, not to shut it down.
5) Contain Your Degree Of Passion. Surges of emotion can set you back. Some women feel things deeper than others. As a general rule, men are not as accustomed to handling a woman’s emotions anyway. If you are a passionate woman who feels things deeply, be careful not to overwhelm him with an expression of extremely strong emotion. It feels like a force of nature to a man when his woman comes at him with a lot of heart-felt emotion. Do not think that he must hear and understand the depth of your feelings in order to understand what you are saying. Your immense feelings can get your relationship into trouble. People who insist on having their feelings heard instead of doing what is right in a relationship usually end up in therapy or worse, in divorce court. Your feelings can derail your sense of connection in a heartbeat. Extreme expression of feelings can push your man away; never to fully open up to you again.
6) Don’t Try To Compensate For A Difference In Stature. Defending yourself physically is only natural if attacked. But some women strive to balance the situation by coming on too strong as an initial show of force just in case any offense may occur. Yes, some subjects have the potential to escalate into conflict, but ladies, try not to start in a defensive posture. Position yourself as approachable and thoughtful. If you try to be ten feet tall and bulletproof as a means of leveling the field, you will only set yourself up for an argument.
7) Be Willing To Say I’m Sorry. Humility is a powerful way to keep a man from losing his temper. Women can be as stubborn as their man. It may not be your nature to apologize but I encourage you to be willing to offer up a sincere apology if it truly fits the situation. If you are wrong or did something hurtful; apologize. I have seen an apology end many arguments in seconds.
8) Tell Him You Believe In Him. Faith in your man is crucial to a great relationship. Your belief in your man is very powerful for the two of you. Men need to know that their woman believes in him. When she looks at him with eyes of respect and admiration, he feels strong and self-assured. A woman can convey her belief in him in how she looks at him, how she touches him or in the words she uses. The words can be as plainspoken as “I Believe In You”. Words like this can quickly restore a man to his senses and his overall position of goodness. Even if you do not fully believe in him one hundred percent, I encourage you to convey this message to him if overall it is true of how you feel.
(These are part of Mark’s upcoming book, How To Stop Arguing In Your Relationship In 30 Days or Less).
Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. He is the author of How To Be A Great Partner. Mark has been in the field of helping individuals and couples since 1986. He has a vast amount of experience and he can have a very positive impact on your life and your relationship. If you are looking for individual or marriage counseling, please call his office in Valdosta, Georgia and his staff will help you set up an appointment.
South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center
2704 N. Oak St. Blg B-3
Valdosta, Georgia 31602